When It Starts to Hit You Hard

I’m in the middle of the summer break. Not a very long one, but still very much grateful for any kind of short break I could get these days. Besides having short hours of work, which btw means short on cash, my life on break consist mainly of me staying in, editing videos, doing the manual labor of laundry since our washing machine is not working, and lastly the occasional struggle of I-wanna-hang-out-w/-them-but-my-bed-feels-too-good. So basically, that’s what I have been up to the last seven days.

Last night, I had to force myself out of the house and join my friends on a fair called PNE at Vancouver. It basically consists of different events such as concerts, rides, and even museum for kids. We went there for a specific reason and that is to watch 98 degrees live. If you have no idea who are they, then you’re probably way too young to know them. They were widely known as a band back in the 90’s playing R&B music. But honestly, I don’t know much of their songs—I only recognized their super famous songs—because I was only born when they debuted.

So you probably know their famous song I Do (Cherish You). I actually wasn’t familiar with the title at first, but the moment I read the title, I automatically sang it in my mind. Then I thought, I know this! So this was sung by them. That was mainly the song I knew and then I have maybe two other songs that were quite familiar—but not enough for me to sing along with the crowd.

The show starts at 8:30 pm, but we got inside the PNE at 6 pm. I was shocked to see the long queue for the general admission. It’s free, so it’s a bit expected. But nevertheless, still shocked that many people would actually be attending. But hey, I was underestimating the power of older generations. No offense tho, I’m one of them. It was an open-air concert. My friends and I settled inside the concert venue an hour early and seated at the top left part of the crowd. I was observing what kind of audience were coming in: age and ethnicity wise. And I felt a sense of connection with these people because most of them were definitely older than me and I know they’ve been listening to 98 degree’s hits growing up. I may not have the same strong liking of their music, but somehow, I know I was part of that time back then. While searching the crowd, my mind was taken back to the times when some old song would play on the radio and my parents would proudly and dreamily tell us how that song reminded them of their childhood. Back then, I would just nod and smile at them like I know how they’re feeling. Now looking around at the crowd, I understood what my parents were actually talking about. I’m becoming a part of the older generations and that there are younger ones who may find the 98 degree’s coordinate dance moves a bit tacky.

The concert started and they started playing their hits—some of them I know, some of them I had no idea. But the best part was, they didn’t just sing their own songs but also sang other 90’s and early 20’s hits for us. It was so amazing and I felt very proud and nostalgic. I thought at that time, no one could enjoy this better than the ones who have been living our times. There’s so much sense of pride that washed over me that night.

When I think about it, I really am not getting any younger. There’s already a new generation after me. I’m starting to see myself in them and say, “Ha, I was not that mischievous when I was her age.” Like I can hear my mom telling me the same thing haha. It’s not our prime time anymore—not to sound too dramatic. It’s funny, you don’t ever feel like the talk of the town not after you’re not anymore.

All of these are not a bad thing, of course. It just means that life continues just like how it’s been since the beginning of the time. We do our thing in our own time and phasing. And it got me thinking about my transitioning in this life. I know I haven’t been the most decisive person ever, but I feel like it’s an accomplishment somehow that I’m thinking about my life now. It’s better late than never. Twenty-four and counting and I’m looking forward to life ahead of me. I want to live my life the way I want it to be. I feel blessed enough to have people around me who supports me financially and emotionally. Growing up, I am starting to understand people struggle in their own ways. I stopped comparing and saying such thing as, buti pa siya ganito ganyan.

I still got a long way to go in this life. Laban lang.

Love lots,

Gee

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More Hurdles to Come

A lot has changed since I started my journey as an international student last 2018. I remember starting my first term with all those energy and motivation in me. I think it was a heap of strength that got mustered even before coming here in Canada. When all those prayers finally came true and I said, “Thank you. I’ll do my best from now on.” Then, my journey begins…

It all started as a slow adjusting phase for me. I started adjusting to the life of a student again. You probably know what I mean when I say getting up early, making breakfast and packing lunch—that is, if I woke up early—also, trying so hard to listen to whatever the professor is saying with blank stare like I know what’s up, going home doing home works and in my case, running straight out of my class to catch the bus because my work is in an hour. Trust me when I say it wasn’t always this hard. But I guess with every new semester, the level of the course difficulty goes high and high too. It’s been 14 months now with no long breaks, exams almost every month, non-stop work, sudden homesickness attacks, and some more unexplainable breakdowns. Yet despite the hardship, I always try and look for that little string that’ll pull me up from the mess that I am. It’s becoming a cycle of me being okay and being sad. I think I’ve always been like this. There’s no such thing as an everyday happy life. I don’t know, maybe right? I mean how could one ever appreciate happiness if he/she doesn’t feel the opposite of it?

And so with everything that’s happening to me, I think somehow I got tired of my whining—in my defense though, it was one the few ways I have to let my frustrations out of my system—and negativity in life. But anyway, it’s crazy because one day not too long ago, I was dealing with another resentment in life and I heard my inner thoughts spoke back to me. I heard me saying that life isn’t about accomplishing one thing and expecting the outcome to make me happy forever. I need to be able to accept that this is it. This is how life is supposed to be. My life is about to get busier and busier and I just have to accept how it is and get on with the flow. Things won’t get any easier if I continue to whine and get mad about it. It’s all about mind setting and prioritizing what’s important blah blah blah. But then back to reality, my positive inner thoughts don’t come very often. It’s so hard to keep myself sane when I have so much to be stressed around me. I know everyone goes through the same thing and I think as long as there’s that part of them that looks out for that little string to pull them up out of misery, that string will find them. It may not hold on to them for a very long time, but I guess it’s up to them if they’re willing to hold on and be guided.

I hope you stay strong in this life.

More hurdles to come,

Gee

Happy Birthday to Me!

Hey there! It’s my birthday! When I turned 21, I was so excited to get older because I was excited of the future. But as years passed, I want to slow down time because now I feel like I haven’t really accomplished anything yet in my life. Funny, eh?  I guess the grass is always greener on the other side. You just think…

omg okay, I can’t finish this post now. Too sleepy and drunk to continue. BABUSH! But I am thankful for this year’s birthday. I love you me, myself and I. And of course, you.

Love,

G 🙂

 

memories forever etched

It’s day 9 here at Japan. And today is especially fun. Tacky and I went to different places. First off, we accidentally ended up at Tokyo Sky Tree. We were supposed to change trains and so we went outside the station and saw that we were exactly at the foot of the tower and we get to explore the area. Then, went to Detective Conan Cafe in Shibuya. The experience was quick but memorable. We ate curry chicken that was styled as the pill 💊 Shinichi took that made him as Conan, sodas and sandwiches. Third, we went to Teamlab Planets. It was surreal as what Tacky described it. It was, indeed. A must visit in Tokyo. Then after Teamlab, it was around 6pm and Tacky decided we visit Odaiba since it was nearby. It was just a 20-minute train ride. From then on, things got so much fun. We visit Joypolis, but decided not to play since it was probably packed and we didn’t want to be exhausted. Next, we went to a mall called Diversity Tokyo Plaza where we just stroll around. And just outside its vicinity was a life-size Gundam Seed statue—or whatever you call it. Then there was this stairs full of lights. It was magical. Everything was magical. Somewhere along while walking, we passed by a shawarma mobile and ordered 2 kebab wraps. It was good and spicy and Tacky had to buy a hot tea for me because it was beginning to rain a little and I was getting cold. Tacky being a perfect gentleman gave me his coat. And so we were able to walk some more around the area and so glad we did because we stumbled a festival going on: Octoberfest. It was my first time to see Octoberfest being celebrated in the middle of April. We ordered 3 sausages and a sangria. We were having fun. At that moment, I was thinking that the day have been pretty much unplanned and that best things happened when unplanned. I couldn’t help but smiled at him and said thank you. He asked why and what for. I just replied, “Thank you for today.” He just simply smiled back knowing we were both happy and contented for the given moment. Far away from distance, the Ferris Wheel can be seen soaring up high. I wanted to ride it and Tacky agreed. It was a short walking distance, but Tacky kept on stopping on every convenience store we passed through. He was looking for something. He told me he wanted to buy this kinda like a thing that will make my hands warm. He always tries his best to make me comfortable. He finally find one, but the thing failed to work. I reassured him I was feeling a little bit warm anyway. Arriving at the entrance of the ferris wheel, we were lucky there wasn’t any queues, so we instantly got in a ferris wheel. It was a 16-minute ride. The view was spectacular! We were quiet with awe and in that moment something struck me. It was the thought of leaving Japan and not being able to spend a day like this again. It was a thought my mind did not yet want to think about if possible. I got sad and just leaned on his shoulder.

On our long train ride on our way home, I was probably inches away from drooling on his shoulder which could have been super embarrassing. He still made me dinner and gave me medicine because I was feeling a little unwell. Now it’s past 1am and I know I’m sleepy already, but this day just can’t be done without being recognized, written or recorded in any way. This day might be over already, but the memories will surely stay forever. With a new day that comes means a day less before I get to leave Japan again. But it’s how life is. Regardless of anything, life goes on, right? Anyway, I guess I’ll try and have a good night sleep now. Tomorrow’s another day to make great memories. Let’s all make it count.

Love,

G

A P R I L

Hello.

Intoxicated as fuck. Okay, not that much. It’s been a crazy month or has it been almost two months now? The last time I uploaded a YT video was probably around February. People are starting to message, “When are you gonna upload your next video?” “Hey, been waiting for your video for weeks now.” Thank you for your messages. But as much as I want to squeeze editing into my schedule right now, I just can’t. It’s not that simple lol. Not for me, it isn’t. I don’t just edit for the sake of making a video ya know. I edit when I feel like it. I edit depending on my mood. That way, I’m able to make it memorable for me. I want to be able to make videos that I would want to watch a thousand times and not get tired of it.

But anyway, I wanted to write something purposeful or deeper. I just can’t get to that tone yet, so I’m babbling nonsense here. It’s been months since I last wrote, but believe me when I say there’s a bunch of times I just feel like I wanna write something but then the next second the inspiration is gone as fast as it came. Ugh, sorry about that.

Out of topic here—something that I keep on doing—but being an international student is no joke. Sure the idea of studying abroad seems grand and all, but I don’t know. Most of the times, I find myself asking myself, am I on the right track? I guess I am. But it’s easy to get lost in track when I’m all stressed and missing my family. I tend to forget why I sacrificed so much to be here. But thank goodness for the people around me, for reminding me why I’m here and for listening to my rants about school stuff and work.

I am grateful. Always. But I’m entitled to feel tired and sad. That is something you’ll always read here on my blog. That it’s okay to feel sad and cry because it is. At the end of the day, we’re all just human being who feel tired and vulnerable. But the important thing is that after I write this, I’ll feel a whole lot better and get back on track.

Grateful in January

Despite the stressful days, I had to post something and say some grateful things. This year 2019, I wrote down a couple of goals I want to achieve. I’m glad that for the first month of the year, I’ve crossed out three of those goals I’ve written. I’m truly grateful for whatever great things happened to me this first past 4 weeks of the year. To more great things and lessons in life and to crossing out the rest of my goals for 2019. Cheers!

xx

G

A Little Too Excited for a Wednesday

Hello people! I am currently at a teahouse sipping my first ever milk tea at Canada. Can you believe it? I’ve been here for almost a year and in that long period of time and I didn’t dare drink milk tea. Anyway, I’m currently on my 3rd term at my post degree studies. I have 4 subjects, which is one subject more than what I usually have in a term. And as if that’s not enough, I enrolled in a Japanese class. Yes! You read that right! I. Enrolled. Myself. At. A. Japanese. Class. AGAIN. Hahaha. This is my third time taking Japanese class in my whole life and I am excited. I’m freaking out. I came hour and a half early for my class and I still got an hour to wait. Hehe. So here I am, sitting at a teahouse trya kill time. I’ve been offered to buy a Japanese textbook that cost $75. But I said I’ll think about it. Good thing I said that because I found a free copy online. 🙂 I can’t wait. I’m so excited. Hihi. I’m really hoping to learn Japanese and be able to speak in a conversational way.

Anyway, I have my notebook in front of me. And Im about to write the hiragan and katakana just to see if I can still perfect it. 😭💕

Wish me luck!!! 💕💕💕💕

2019 Goals

Hey stranger, so I know this may seem a bit cliché. And let me tell you, it is cliché but I’m doing it anyway 🙂

1. Read More Books

Okay, so this one I need to take priority!!!! I’ve been neglecting reading for almost 2 years now. I used to love reading books. I think I still love reading books. The only difference is that I don’t find the time to read now, that’s why I’m making it a top priority for 2019 to finally get back to the reading game and finally improving my English again.

    2. Create a New Blog

Trust me when I say I’ve created multiples of blogs for myself. Maybe 5-8 already? But this time, Imma make it really legit and simple. I wanna start doing more. I wanna achieve and show more with this new website that I will make. Wait and see, I’ll make it! 🙂

    3. More Skin Care Less Make Up

Although this has been the case for years, I want to give more attention to my skin next year. I want to be able to really achieve what I want. Try to eat healthy foods and take care of my skin religiously is the way to go.

    4. EXERCISE. FOR. FUCKS. SAKE.

Come on, I need to exercise for fucks sake. I think exercise is one of the most New Year’s Resolutions of people. And even so, that’s one of mine too. Haha. Seriously, I need to get back on track. I miss MMA. I miss boxing. I miss running. Let’s not be such a lazy bum and actually do it, all right?

This my friend, believe it or not, will help me in achieving all of this things. Thoughts grow into reality, never heard of that? List what you wanna happen and trust me, you’ll be on the right track. You’re welcome! 😉

Everyday is Christmas For Me

It’s that season again where everyone gives gifts to their loved ones. And I’m not an exception to this. I gave my grandma a candle, a box of chocolate and a grocery gift card. I also got some other people gifts which I haven’t exactly had the chance to give it. I know it’s days late of Christmas already. But hey, they say every day is Christmas, right?

You’re probably wondering how my Christmas went. Well, it went exactly how my rest day usually goes. Imagine me waking up at 10 o’clock and spending the next hour browsing social media. After opening and checking every email and messages here and there, I would lay for another, let’s say, 30 minutes just thinking about how to spend the rest of my day.  Just when I thought I could lay for another 30 minutes, my tummy would scream and tell me to get my ass up and feed it. And there would I be, trudging to the kitchen and opening the fridge when I obv knew there would be nothing there for me. Hence, grabbing a banana and warming milk would be my only choice for my hungry tummy. All right, what time would it be by then? Oh right, it’d be around 2 o’clock. Time to Netflix and do some shit simultaneously. And yes, don’t worry, I still do understand what’s happening with the movie. I’m smart like that.  My mom would be calling at any time since it’d be morning in the Philippines. We’d talk for hours and while I’m still willing to talk for another lifetime, she’d be sorry and hung up ’cause papers are filing up her table and needs to finish them ASAP. No worries, I’ll just pop right back to binge-watching. And then, time for dinner. I’d draw a bath and pour Your Highness a glass of wine. I’d be blasting the sound in the bathroom and have the time of my life. After that refreshing moment, I’d fix myself and look myself in the mirror that would either result in me saying wow my skin looks nice today or yikes when would I ever love my skin. And then, pour another wine because I never settle for just a glass of something dear. I’m not satisfied like that. With my mind being poisoned by alcohol, I’d be brought in a different world where I see life as very interesting one. But of course, I told you I’m smart, right? I’d know when to stop taking drinks because I don’t wanna deal with hangover the next day. See that’s where the tricky part is every time. One has to be have a very strong will of stoping or else you’ll be a dead body walking the next day. And when I finally stop myself from drowning and realizing the bottle’s almost three quarters done, I’d close my eyes. Closing my eyes because tomorrow is another day for me to make things happen. Phew, that was some narration I did!

Anyway, just dropping by! Thanks for reading hihi!

Ja,

Glee

Yet Another Day

Good evening to you Thursday,

You’ve been pretty harsh to me today. You held the promise of finally making me feel better after the last midterm, but why is it that even hours after I got home from school I still feel so drained out and stressed? I feel so stressed actually. It could be because of a lot of things namely studying, working and breathing. How to destress? Oshiete kudasai. It’s a lot to take in being an international student. Maybe it’s just me because my classmates seem to have a bit of a fun in classes every now and then. Should I give up? Should I just keep going, then? But what if it doesn’t make me happy anymore? I’m confused. Does it not make me happy because I didn’t want what I was studying or just because I didn’t get my midterm? Would I say I feel alright if I got the midterm, then? What the fuck? Another day, yet another drama from me as always. I wonder how grown-ups figure it all out? Maybe they haven’t really figure shit out, right? They just go with the flow with life and see how it well turns out for them. If it doesn’t, well no one lives eternally to deal with it anyway. I don’t even know what’s up. Tomorrow, tomorrow…I made plans for tomorrow. I have to go to work as well. It’s nice to be busy. It makes me keep out of my pointless thoughts such as this one I’m writing. I can’t wait for things to be better. Oh yeah, now I remember why I decided to write tonight in the first place. On my way home tonight, I remembered I was feeling very much at peace just months ago. I even wrote that feeling down here. Having that thought, I let out a sudden sigh and asked myself. “Where did that moment go?”. It was just here! Now it’s nowhere to be found LOL. GOD HELP ME. I actually feel a little bit demotivated in making videos. I just couldn’t bring myself to pretend that everything was alright when things are not. But I know I need to get myself together. Don’t be such a pussy is something I would tell a friend if this were this situation. So yes, no time to feel sulky. But then again, it’s all just talk. I really am sad and confused right now.

lost in my own world

I’m entering yet into another world of mine wherein I feel like my soul feels everything from joy to sadness. It’s a nice and peaceful moment for me that I decided to at least try to put this feeling into words. Thoughts put into words that are so scrambled in my head right now. There are lots of things I want to accomplish in my life as of the moment. It hasn’t gotten to a point where it’s overwhelming and I hope it doesn’t get to that point because it’s gonna be bad for me. I like how things are going now. I feel calm despite knowing what’s out there for me tomorrow would be chaos. I’m thankful that I can still have this kind of moments. I know other people find it hard to tame their minds. I’m so sleepy but I just really want to put some thoughts out here.

I have this other thing going on that has been lingering on my mind for a while now. It’s starting to pop into my head pretty often and it’s getting me anxious all the time. I wanna do something about it but my hands are tied right now. I feel frustrated and sad and I just wanna cry now. I’m such a cry baby. Will sleep now. Til next time.

Love lots,

Glaire

A Retro Vibe Night

Tonight, I installed to my walls my newly bought string lights. I thought to myself when I saw the item on Miniso that it would add coziness to my room and it’s the season of lights and coziness so why not! Now I have it on the right foot side of my bed forming a heart shape. It glows that it’s the only light illuminating to the room. To give a little more touch to the light, I pop in some dreamy music. I’m loving Lust for Life by Lana del Rey. I feel so light even though I’m sober af right now.

Tomorrow is another weekday start for school. It’s getting late and I’m still enjoying the night. I’d say life’s too short to skip this kind of nights. The nights where you could just be sad and think about things. Not the kind of sadness you get when you failed your exam, but the kind where you think of a memory that makes you miss something. I wonder what life holds me in the future. I wonder if it’s something wonderful. Would it be one? I hope so. I’m so thankful of the blessings I’m receiving right now. I have never been so grateful and happy in my life. I didn’t even expect that these things were possible to even pass by my life if you know what I’m saying.

Sure, there are times when I ask myself if what I’m doing is all worth all the hassle and effort. During those times, I think that it’s important to always remember why I wanted IT to happen in the first place. I always try to remember that giving up does not solve the problem. Sure, I get tired but I just rest not stop. Actually, that was just told to me by a friend. Believe me when I say I’ve been feeling under pressure in this past couple of days that the thought of giving up has crossed my mind more than I can remember. Good thing I have positive people around me to remind me why I started what I am doing now. I’m thankful for them and I think it’s important to surround yourself with positive people that will bring you up and not down.

All right, I think that it is time to sleep. I need to get up early tomorrow and review. Midterm is coming and I need to be prepared. Lessons are getting challenging. I don’t think I can afford to fail ya know. I’d hate to spend any more extra time to study puhlease. Ja, mata ne!

Gee

7 A M Thoughts

Good morning everyone! Taking a little walk this morning to ease myself from yesterday’s stress! I just had my Accounting final examination that’s why. Needing to reassess my decision about my chosen career path, I decided I would start my day right today. Having only 4 hours of sleep did not stop me from putting my shoes and jacket to lazily trudged outside my bedroom.

I took an unusual route to my right this time hoping it would lead me to my same usual spot. But it didn’t. 🤦🏼‍♀️ Instead, I had to go around and head straight to my go-to route. I ended up to my usual favorite spot. I sat and enjoy my view to the ocean straight below me. Why don’t I do this often? I guess I’ve been caught up with things lately that I forgot I have my own life and hobbies as well. I was so down and stressed yesterday I had to distract myself with something, only realizing that I have nothing for myself. I have been letting myself be swayed and preoccupied by unimportant things. I need to re-evaluate myself truly.

Some morning thoughts:

It’s important to always remember to love yourself first to able to give any love back to anyone.

Adulting is fucking hard. Why didn’t they prep us for this kind of inevitable circumstances in life? All they did teach us were Math, Science…

I wish I had always known what I want to be when I grow up.

It’s true what they say that being physically away with your problem does not mean mentally being away with it. Lol.

If I can, I’d like to be brave and chase some old childish dream and be carefree happy.

I’m getting old to be this indecisive still.

What do I really want?

Am I even trying to achieve something? Have I achieved something?

Peace of mind is everything to a person. No matter what, he’ll always find a way to appreciate and accept things.

I don’t think I’ve heard anyone disagrees to the saying, “Life is unfair.” Even the fortunate ones think so…

However, I believe life is full of opportunities. I’ve been given lots and maybe I just wasn’t utilizing it to its full potential.

And I’m back to the start, re-evaluating myself…

Have a grateful day, minna!

xx

Gee

It’s Gonna Get Better, But It’s Taking Forever

I must have been born sad. I can’t keep up with happiness! That feeling when I’m happy all day and suddenly out of nowhere sadness would wash all over my soul and there’s no stopping it. Is this normal? Sometimes, I wonder if I’m the only person who can experience this. Maybe I just love being sad so much? Is that even possible? Now that I think about it, I love being confined to a small space. Not that it matters to my point, but maybe it has something to do with that. Hmmm, maybe I really was born like this. Is there any way out of this? Don’t get me wrong. I love myself. I feel so blessed. I feel so loved. But I don’t like being sad like this. Not when I don’t know the reason behind my sudden change of mood. I know being sad is sometimes needed in our lives. But in my case, is this really healthy? Will this ever go away? Will this ever hinder me from my true happiness? What is true happiness really? Sigh. Too many questions drowning my head right now.

“In the end, I’m going to be all right” is a thought that I always hold onto. Some might say I’m living my life to the fullest. I am, actually. And I couldn’t be more grateful to everyone, especially God. But I think I’m entitled to feel sad at times and vent at something like this. It’s not like I go around and announce, “Hey, I’m sad. May you be sad as well!” No, not at all. For what it’s worth, I think I give an opposite vibe to everyone else. Well, except my sestra. Sestra knows me too well when there’s something wrong with me.

I missed writing. Glad to be able to talk to you guys again.