lost in my own world

I’m entering yet into another world of mine wherein I feel like my soul feels everything from joy to sadness. It’s a nice and peaceful moment for me that I decided to at least try to put this feeling into words. Thoughts put into words that are so scrambled in my head right now. There are lots of things I want to accomplish in my life as of the moment. It hasn’t gotten to a point where it’s overwhelming and I hope it doesn’t get to that point because it’s gonna be bad for me. I like how things are going now. I feel calm despite knowing what’s out there for me tomorrow would be chaos. I’m thankful that I can still have this kind of moments. I know other people find it hard to tame their minds. I’m so sleepy but I just really want to put some thoughts out here.

I have this other thing going on that has been lingering on my mind for a while now. It’s starting to pop into my head pretty often and it’s getting me anxious all the time. I wanna do something about it but my hands are tied right now. I feel frustrated and sad and I just wanna cry now. I’m such a cry baby. Will sleep now. Til next time.

Love lots,

Glaire

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A Retro Vibe Night

Tonight, I installed to my walls my newly bought string lights. I thought to myself when I saw the item on Miniso that it would add coziness to my room and it’s the season of lights and coziness so why not! Now I have it on the right foot side of my bed forming a heart shape. It glows that it’s the only light illuminating to the room. To give a little more touch to the light, I pop in some dreamy music. I’m loving Lust for Life by Lana del Rey. I feel so light even though I’m sober af right now.

Tomorrow is another weekday start for school. It’s getting late and I’m still enjoying the night. I’d say life’s too short to skip this kind of nights. The nights where you could just be sad and think about things. Not the kind of sadness you get when you failed your exam, but the kind where you think of a memory that makes you miss something. I wonder what life holds me in the future. I wonder if it’s something wonderful. Would it be one? I hope so. I’m so thankful of the blessings I’m receiving right now. I have never been so grateful and happy in my life. I didn’t even expect that these things were possible to even pass by my life if you know what I’m saying.

Sure, there are times when I ask myself if what I’m doing is all worth all the hassle and effort. During those times, I think that it’s important to always remember why I wanted IT to happen in the first place. I always try to remember that giving up does not solve the problem. Sure, I get tired but I just rest not stop. Actually, that was just told to me by a friend. Believe me when I say I’ve been feeling under pressure in this past couple of days that the thought of giving up has crossed my mind more than I can remember. Good thing I have positive people around me to remind me why I started what I am doing now. I’m thankful for them and I think it’s important to surround yourself with positive people that will bring you up and not down.

All right, I think that it is time to sleep. I need to get up early tomorrow and review. Midterm is coming and I need to be prepared. Lessons are getting challenging. I don’t think I can afford to fail ya know. I’d hate to spend any more extra time to study puhlease. Ja, mata ne!

Gee

7 A M Thoughts

Good morning everyone! Taking a little walk this morning to ease myself from yesterday’s stress! I just had my Accounting final examination that’s why. Needing to reassess my decision about my chosen career path, I decided I would start my day right today. Having only 4 hours of sleep did not stop me from putting my shoes and jacket to lazily trudged outside my bedroom.

I took an unusual route to my right this time hoping it would lead me to my same usual spot. But it didn’t. 🤦🏼‍♀️ Instead, I had to go around and head straight to my go-to route. I ended up to my usual favorite spot. I sat and enjoy my view to the ocean straight below me. Why don’t I do this often? I guess I’ve been caught up with things lately that I forgot I have my own life and hobbies as well. I was so down and stressed yesterday I had to distract myself with something, only realizing that I have nothing for myself. I have been letting myself be swayed and preoccupied by unimportant things. I need to re-evaluate myself truly.

Some morning thoughts:

It’s important to always remember to love yourself first to able to give any love back to anyone.

Adulting is fucking hard. Why didn’t they prep us for this kind of inevitable circumstances in life? All they did teach us were Math, Science…

I wish I had always known what I want to be when I grow up.

It’s true what they say that being physically away with your problem does not mean mentally being away with it. Lol.

If I can, I’d like to be brave and chase some old childish dream and be carefree happy.

I’m getting old to be this indecisive still.

What do I really want?

Am I even trying to achieve something? Have I achieved something?

Peace of mind is everything to a person. No matter what, he’ll always find a way to appreciate and accept things.

I don’t think I’ve heard anyone disagrees to the saying, “Life is unfair.” Even the fortunate ones think so…

However, I believe life is full of opportunities. I’ve been given lots and maybe I just wasn’t utilizing it to its full potential.

And I’m back to the start, re-evaluating myself…

Have a grateful day, minna!

xx

Gee

It’s Gonna Get Better, But It’s Taking Forever

I must have been born sad. I can’t keep up with happiness! That feeling when I’m happy all day and suddenly out of nowhere sadness would wash all over my soul and there’s no stopping it. Is this normal? Sometimes, I wonder if I’m the only person who can experience this. Maybe I just love being sad so much? Is that even possible? Now that I think about it, I love being confined to a small space. Not that it matters to my point, but maybe it has something to do with that. Hmmm, maybe I really was born like this. Is there any way out of this? Don’t get me wrong. I love myself. I feel so blessed. I feel so loved. But I don’t like being sad like this. Not when I don’t know the reason behind my sudden change of mood. I know being sad is sometimes needed in our lives. But in my case, is this really healthy? Will this ever go away? Will this ever hinder me from my true happiness? What is true happiness really? Sigh. Too many questions drowning my head right now.

“In the end, I’m going to be all right” is a thought that I always hold onto. Some might say I’m living my life to the fullest. I am, actually. And I couldn’t be more grateful to everyone, especially God. But I think I’m entitled to feel sad at times and vent at something like this. It’s not like I go around and announce, “Hey, I’m sad. May you be sad as well!” No, not at all. For what it’s worth, I think I give an opposite vibe to everyone else. Well, except my sestra. Sestra knows me too well when there’s something wrong with me.

I missed writing. Glad to be able to talk to you guys again.

June 19, 2018

Aloha everyone! Here at the bus station waiting for the next bus to come. I’m the first person on the queue, actually. I was not about to ride and stand all the way home, so I chose to wait for the next bus. 🙃 Today was a very distracting day for me. I could not concentrate well on my classes. Good thing, my Math class did not conduct a quiz for today. Oh btw, I just registered my subjects for the coming Fall term. Already, right? A bit fast, if you’ll ask me. That just made me realize that we’re half way done through this semester. Wow!

As usual, lots of reporting and homework happening. Today, I volunteered compiling and editing our business proposal. Even though, it’s another work and tomorrow’s my rest day. I realize I’d rather sacrifice a few hours than cry over my will-be grade for that paper. Some more things about school stuff: more paper dues for the next coming weeks and individual presentation in two weeks. I don’t know why I’m not that scared on public speaking anymore. I mean I know I’m not the most comfortable public speaker, but the thought itself is not eating me anymore. Unlike before, mind you, I’d rather be hospitalized than do the speak in front of more than 3 people. But of course, I’m glad that didn’t happen. Hehe. What was I thinking?! I’m all fine now though. No worries. Yo girl will nail this public speaking. ☺️

Anyway, bus is still not here. But I better stop using my phone now and focus on the music I’m listening to. It’s been a long day and it’s always comforting to listen to my playlist after a supeeeer long day!

Ja ne!

Glaire

Don’t Mind Me. I’m Just Being a Little Too Emotional

Birthday jitters still in my system. But wait, is there even such thing as birthday jitters? Lol. Whatever. It’s currently 11:48 PM and I’m still wide awake. One thing that has changed since I came here in Canada for sure is that I always sleep late. Goodbye 9 PM bedtime. Even if I wanted to sleep at 9 PM, the sun is still out at that time, who can ever sleep with the sun still out?! I’m still quite surprised by my capability of staying this late, ya know. Usually at this late of time, my eyes would be all droopy but nooo. So weird and fun at the same time. I feel so rebellious, actually. I think this is the start of developing my under-eye bags. Eww. But it can’t be help, right? Not unless I really forced myself to sleep, which is what I do sometimes. But see, I come home from school around 8:30 PM. Then, I still have to eat my dinner, talk to my mom, and do my own stuff. So really, it’s not that easy to just force myself to sleep.

And you know what? I just realized how comfortable I am in writing in my blog. It feels so good to let out these frustrations. I know I haven’t been active here or in any other social media because I have been very busy with adjusting and everything, especially with school stuff. There’s really always that one subject that act like they’re the only subject in the world. It annoys the hell out of me, but at the same time, I’m challenged because I haven’t been this busy in a long time. It’s actually fun to be getting annoyed because you’re too busy, right? Hehe. Whatever. But yeah, I don’t even know what I was supposed to talk about. I get distracted so easily. Basically, I just write whatever comes into my mind. No plot or anything like that.

Work. I need to talk about that. Not sure if I have been sharing stuff about my what’s happening with my work. Okay, so I work in a kitchen. Basically, I work in a grocery store. Kinda like what I do in our business back in the Philippines, so the experience is not a total surprise for me. But what makes it really scary is because I have to learn every corner of the kitchen: making a salad, pizza, sushi, coffee and chicken wings. Crazy, right? Frankly, on my first 2 shifts, I almost quit. I was like, “I don’t like this job. I don’t think working in a kitchen is my calling or whatever.” But I virtually hit myself with my nagging. Haha. I told myself to stop being such a baby and just do the job. And now, I am happy I stayed. It’s funny and very interesting. On my second day, I was asked to make pizzas for the opening. I was dumbfounded. I said I didn’t know how to make a pizza. They just let me do everything by myself. I had no idea how I did it, but I did it anyway. And thinking about what I could do is what makes me keep going in this job. It’s not about what kind of specific job I do, but it’s about proving to myself that I am down to anything in this life and that there’s nothing I can’t learn if I put my heart in it. But mostly, I am assigned in the cashier area. So, I make coffees and deal with the customers firsthand. It’s nerve-wracking ’cause most customers are seniors and I get to deal with mostly very meticulous old ladies. It’s scary as hell, but oh well, it’s not gonna kill me to try and just put myself out there, right? This being a working-student has me earned the respect of all the students out there who have been doing this for so long. Because I am telling you, it is not easy to juggle studies and work! Huhuhuhu!

Oh wow, it’s past midnight now. I still have work tomorrow for 8 hours. Good luck to me. And did I mention, I have 700 papers due for the coming days? Good night, you guys.

Thanks for making it this far. I rant too much. I talk too much. But I love you so much for making it this far!

Mwa,

Gureru ♡

Turning 23

Today is the day after my birthday. I basically celebrated a three-day birthday here in Canada. I celebrated a day earlier because my birthday comes first in the Philippines then the next day as my current birthday then today as the last day where everyone thinks it’s still my birthday. Joe kept pampering me. She gave me a cake earlier. SO SWEET! Also, it was her turn to treat me a Starbucks coffee and she fed me lunch. Hahaha. We’re sisters pala. Someone told us the other day when we were at the museum for my birthday. A guard, actually a fellow Filipino, asked us if we were siblings. We were shocked to know we have resemblance haha! Oh well. Life’s fun as hell with her. Glad I get to spend my 2 years studying with this crazy.

Anyway, I just turned 23. I feel hmmmm old? Not yet, really. It hasn’t dawned on me yet.😛 I don’t think 23 is that old, except maybe sometimes I feel as though I’m really old already because I’m not even sure what I’m doing with my life. And it seems like other people have it all figured out. But do they, really?

As I get old, I learn to be bolder and go for the things that make me happy. Every day I get to realize the things and people that matter and that way I’m able to work that relationship more for a stronger future with them diba. These recent events make me also realize how lucky I am. Even though studying isn’t something that I’m very thrilled to be back in my life, just thinking about what I have and what others don’t, make me appreciate it now. And now, I’m starting to get the groove of everything. There are lesser ungrateful things coming out of my mouth instead, more appreciation of what I have is what I practice every day.

To being 23, to being able to come this far, to being able to survive shitload of crap since I was born, to being able to stand up and cry and laugh after bad encounters, here I am writing this to myself. Most importantly, to being the person I am now, to being the clueless girl yet continues to find the answer to every little thing that confuses me, to being the weirdest girl I can be, to being the most sweetest daughter to my parents—I try, okay—, Happy Birthday, self! 🙂

looking forward to more birthdays hunney,

Glaire

June Baby

In the midst of busy schedules and hundreds of homework given, I still have the luxury to space out and feel crazy stupid happy for every once in a while now. It’s nice to feel appreciated and loved by the people around us, right? It’s that season in my life again where every love song makes sense and makes me smile like crazy.

I never thought it’d come to me. But really, who ever expects love to come their way? So, this is what people feel like when they are deeply infatuated with someone. I feel like everything is possible and everything is under my spell, ya know what I mean?—you probably won’t know what I’m talking about! But yeah, I’m probably going to talk about things I can only relate from now on. Hihi.

Anyway, midterm one is finally over! I can take a little breather now. And guys, my birthday is coming up next week. I am so excited. I’m probably the only adult who loves celebrating birthdays. I love getting old, but my mom told me I would be saying otherwise when I turned in my late 20’s. Oh well, we’ll see about that! Joe and I plan to get to the city and explore it a little bit with the bad weather. We originally planned to hike, but due to the bad weather forecast on that day, we’ll just see what the Great Vancity has to offer to this birthday girl.

How is everyone doing these days? I hope you’re feeling inspired and happy like me!

xoxo,

G

A Look at My May Events

Almost end of the month events recaps for this month of May:

  1. I finally have my part-time job.

                 I was so clueless on my first day which was just the other day. I did the salad and coffee part for my first 2-hour shift and went to packing meals. I’ve known a couple people in my area, just not everyone as there’s quite a handful of people around. That was just my 4-hour shift. My next work schedule isn’t until next Friday. Not to say I’m not excited, it’s just that I don’t think it’s something I really want to do for the time being. But hey, it’s good to busy anyway.

    2.  I did my first hike of the year with a friend at Quarry Rock, North Vancouver.

               Joe and I just decided we’d go for a hike and we did! It was so amazing. Even though, we just commuted all the way to North Vancouver for about 1 and a half hour—for her—and about 3 hours—for me. Then, we were stunned by the beauty of the lake when we got to the Panorama Park. Such incredible view! We brought lunch and had our lunch by the lake/beach, not sure if it was a beach or a lake. Anyway, after the lunch with a view, we began our hike to the Quarry Rock. It was a 45 minute hike to the top. I actually thought it was gonna be longer, but alas, we made it less than an hour. And goodness, the view was breathtaking! I feel like jumping of the cliff, but that would be stupid. Haha! Gosh, what a stupid thing to say. Anyway, I guess it was called Quarry Rock because you get to see the whole view under the big rocks at the edge of the mountain. You’ll see bits of islands in front of the mountain and the buildings far ahead in the DT Vancouver. At that moment, how I wish my family were seeing the same thing because they would all love it especially my mom and baby sis. Soon.

     3. I cooked at least 5 Filipino dishes this month.

                  Yep. I cook now. It’s just me and my grandma living in a 2 bedroom condo unit and she’s not a good cook either! Hahaha. I basically have no choice but to cook for myself and for her too. Good thing Tacky guides me all the way for every dish that I make. I don’t think I’d survive cooking if no one was guiding me. Gosh! I don’t love cooking, but I don’t exactly hate it either. That’s why working in the kitchen area is not very appealing to me but it’s not something that I would say no to instantly.

G

How My First Week Went as an International Student

Howdy! Today’s Friday and I have no class. Yay!

Basically, my class schedule consists 2 days per week. Not bad? Actually, it’s shitload crazy. I’m overwhelmed by all the homework given to us already. I have an Accounting class and we discussed the first chapter in an hour. Crazy because back in the Philippines, it would have taken the teacher at least a week to finish it. I totally understand though because I’m on the Post-Degree Program and the lessons tend to be in a fast-paced manner and students are expected to have a background about the lessons already. But I’m just studying again after 4 years, maybe? So my mind is a little rusty at the moment trying to figure out what income statements and balance sheets are.

Overall, I am happy and excited to be back in school. All of my classmates are international student as well which is great because all of us are going through the same thing. My school has been very helpful from the orientation day to the day of our classes. I’ve never felt this pampered by my past school, so I have high hopes for my future experiences here.

Also, students are encouraged to participate in volunteer programs. I’ve never done that, but since I love doing things that scare me, I signed up for it. And guess what? Your girl is going to a Spring Festival tomorrow to volunteer. I have no one with me tomorrow but myself. I have no idea what will happen but it can’t kill me for sure to try, right? You cannot be shy in this country! Well, because everyone is basically super FRIENDLY. Canadians are very nice people. It’s true what they say that Canadians will say sorry if you accidentally step on their foot. Crazy kind people.

Everything is still overwhelming at this point in time. I am still trying to process almost every second because everything seems to be happening all at once. Sometimes, I find myself trying so hard to keep up with the situations. I love everything about my Canada experience, but sometimes it scares me that I tend to question myself if I’m really capable of surviving this kind of life. But I know I can. I know I’ll get the hang of it. No one’s in a hurry, right?

May 1st

A bit paralyzed here, so I have all the time and energy to blog. I can’t believe I actually thought I could go walk around the pier today. You might be wondering what’s up with me or not. Either way, I just got my period this morning. The cramps just started a while ago. I had planned on finally walking around the pier area, but I can’t do it with this pain.

I was actually planning on bringing with me my resume and submitting it off to cafes and shops I could passed by. I realized I would want to have my part-time at the bayside. At least, it’ll be a nice view and a nice walk to/from home. It’s not far from where I live, just probably a 10 minute walk. More interesting, imagine the place I’m living in is located in an uphill setting and I have to walk down to get to the beach. The place reminds me of Santa Monica Pier with all the shops along side the long road minus the rides. Lola said it gets pretty busy during summer. I bet it does. Heat only comes once every few months in a year. People would very much like to soak in the sun as much as they can.

Tomorrow would be International Student Orientation at school. I have to wake up early since it’s a one-hour ride from my place. It’s not a total hassle, really. I could sleep the whole 45-minute bus ride and then finally get off to take a two-stops train ride. I’m lucky the bus stop is only 30 second walk from the step on our front door. That way, I don’t have to scurry all the way to the bus stop when I’m in a hurry. I hope tomorrow will be a good day for me. I want to get to know at least five new names tomorrow. Okay, I’m gonna make it a goal for tomorrow. 🙂 Jia You!

And my cramps is just getting worse…

zzzz

 

Hello, Vancouver!

Date of arrival: April 18, 2018 11:00AM
Blog Entry Date: April 19, 2018 4:00 AM

Hello!

If you’re reading this, that means I got connected to the internet. It’s kind of crazy how there’s no wifi in where I stay. But it’s not the end of the world—calmly telling myself the same thing since I came here.

So, it’s been 2 days since I last saw my family and a day since I saw my friend, Tacky. I didn’t go straight to Vancouver. Instead, I had my layover in Japan for a day and spent my time with a friend. I still can’t believe I’ve been to Japan already! Ugh. I wish I had more time to explore that amazing country. And I will make that possible, just not now. Right now, I have to apply for a carrier plan. Lol. I need internet, puhlease. Yesterday, when I came at my place and found at that there’s no wifi access, I was screaming loudly at my head like, “How could there no be internet?!” And I was trying to calm myself saying that this is only my first day and it couldn’t be that bad YET.

It’s currently 4:02 AM. I woke up an hour ago because I was freezing. I had to get up, turn on the heater, put on socks and grab a jacket. Haha, this is so typical of me. I remember when I was in Chicago, I would do the same thing and cover my entire self. I was trying to vlog, so I turned on the lamp beside me. Five seconds later, the heater suddenly gave a beep and both the lights and the heater were turned off. Just great. I guess it must have been a short circuit or something. Great, just when I needed the heater the most.

There’s a big window on my room that gives me an overlooking view of the nature outside. I live on the 4th floor, I think. When I got up earlier, I was surprised to see the stars. So peaceful. I guess, there isn’t much light pollution to this neighbourhood.

I don’t feel particularly sad or miss home that much now. The only thing that I feel right now is this little panic attack I’m having because there’s no internet. No internet means no Google Maps on my phone and there’s no way to know where to go. I guess I’m going to have to come up with a plan of my own. But that’s fine. Everything will be fine, my dear.

I’m getting sleepy again, so I might go back to sleep…

Until then,

g

7th Heaven

Seven-day countdown before I leave for Canada. I’m not sure how long I’ll be there. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to visit the Philippines at least once a year, but maybe it’s not such a bad idea not to. Except, I won’t see my baby sister. She’s the most precious little thing for me right now in my life. And if there could be any reason for me not go is that of her. But I got to do what I got to do. 😟

Even though I know I have little time left here, it still hasn’t entirely dawned on me yet that I will be starting my life again somewhere. I visited a relative today and she said to me, “Aren’t you scared of doing it alone?” I just said, “Not really” which is true. No one can actually be prepared for this kind of thing. I just got to dive head first and act like I know what I’m doing to survive.

I’m excited again to get lost in an unfamiliar city, meet strangers and learn its history. But most of all, to figure life along the way. How lucky I am to be able to find myself while enjoying myself at the same time.

Seven more days to go,

See you, Canada.

xx