I Would If I Could But I Can’t So I Won’t

Why do things have to go so bad, right? Why can’t we just have some consistency in life that we don’t have to adjust and everything? More often than not, life is unfair. I’m pretty sure a lot of people would attest to that one. Life isn’t some kind of a one-way lane for everyone. Instead, it’s all about those crazy intersections that turn green all at once. I honestly thought my life was perfect back when I was a kid. At that time, my perception was blinded by ideal fantasies of what life should be. Until one day, reality finally knocked on my door, tricked me into looking the other way and stabbed me in the back. Life became pretty tricky after that. It seemed like one day I have it all figured out and the next day, it gives me another whole set of challenges from some unknown dimension.

I know perfectly well that life is supposed to be this way, that it’s meant to be this hard and knotty. Because how else am I supposed to appreciate happiness without sadness, right? And so, I don’t even know why I’m still writing my angst and depression despite knowing that life isn’t supposed to be some kind of a fairytale with a happy ending. I’m just so caught up in my emotions right now. It’s all bottled up and I can’t even let it out. I feel like talking about it out loud would be some kind of way of acknowledging that it is happening. And I’m not ready to accept that reality yet, possibly never. I hope for change to come into my life soon that I can selfishly walk away from this and never have to face it. I take it that walking away to the problems won’t solve any of it. But in this case, if I could run away every time at every chance I get, I would.

xx,

gee

Kind of Sad

As per usual, Saturday is being spent productively on my bed, not with someone though, but just with my laptop. You have a dirty mind. I woke pretty early just because I always have my alarm set at 5:50 am, which I always plan on like taking that alarm setting off but nevertheless always fails to do it, anyway. So we had our breakfast as a family together. Finally, my mom is having a late breakfast with us and not rushing to get to the store. She left it in charge with someone for today, just so she can at least spend a peaceful morning not scurrying around like a woman on fire. I decided not to come with her to the store for today, instead, I just cleaned my room early this morning after she left with Shobe. I was kind of like planning on filming something for today but then there were calls on the queue and I had to work on it—it’s an online job.

Besides that, everything seems to be normal nowadays. Well, except for my never-ending anxiousness about the waiting game on my visa. But I’m learning to throw my IDGAF attitude on it little by little or else I might die in my sleep if I don’t stop this torture. I do have another thing going on, but it’s very personal. And it’s bothering me too.

Remember when I mentioned about my inner peace being one of those calm before the storm kind of thing? I’m kind of getting the vibe that there is a huge wave coming on my way and that I am both furious and scared for it.

Also, a bit realization I’ve been having has been on my mind lately. I’ve only known a couple of people who really stood out in my life and have/had a really great connection with me. Some are still present in my life and some has gone with the wind. Unfortunately, even with friends, there aren’t always happy endings. It’s not just romance that ends up sabotaging the relationship, but even mere friends do that. Friends are capable of hurting you, loving you and making you feel like you don’t need anyone but them. And when you got hurt by them, you think about how it would be nice to have never met them at the first place and that you wouldn’t have this scarred memories for life if you hadn’t known them at all. Then, I think about what was my life before them? Not to say nothing, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t have the time of my life with them. My life was pretty quiet for sure without them, but I know I would have chosen crazy over boring any time, anyway. And so bottom line, I probably shouldn’t shut myself out too much with people because I know they give so much life to me. And that one bad experience shouldn’t ruin my trust with others.

Thanks for taking the time to read.

As always,

Arigatou.

Can Too Much Anticipation Kill?

I cannot wait for my application to be done with. I just got the tracking number to track my application just the other day, and I’ve been checking on it since then. I know it doesn’t make sense to worry and write things about this, but I am freaking out. I am sick, like literally, and all I could think about is if I’m approved or not. It’s been close to a month since I last worked out, which was crazy because I have been leaning more into meat and rice for the last couple of days. I’m not that worried yet about my weight, but I’m concerned a little bit about my health. I need to move and exercise more. But right now, I’m sick and exerting more effort won’t do any good for my body.

So I busy myself with cleaning my room, organizing my stuff, writing in my journal, revamping my blog and watching a bunch of tutorials. I should really start making that video on our La Union trip, but I just don’t get that inspiration yet. All of the videos I made were made out of sheer inspiration if that makes sense. I don’t like ‘trying’ to make a video. I do it when I want to and I feel like doing it. I don’t do it for the sake just to have a video coming out of a trip.

I think there are things that I wanted to share and do right now, but something is holding me back. And that’s the fear of not being able to get a student permit. I kinda feel everything is put on hold before the decision and that I could only resume my normal life once it has been decided.

If you’ve been reading my previous posts about me having that inner peace, well that’s not true anymore. HAHAHA. Who am I kidding? I’m not at peace, yo! I can’t even do the one thing that I’m good at and that’s sleeping early. Now, I can’t do that. 12 am is usually when drowsiness hits me and that’s not even good for my low blood pressure. Anyhow, I still have a month to wait. AND THIS IS KILLING ME, YOU THINK?!

xoxo,

glaire 😦