A P R I L

Hello.

Intoxicated as fuck. Okay, not that much. It’s been a crazy month or has it been almost two months now? The last time I uploaded a YT video was probably around February. People are starting to message, “When are you gonna upload your next video?” “Hey, been waiting for your video for weeks now.” Thank you for your messages. But as much as I want to squeeze editing into my schedule right now, I just can’t. It’s not that simple lol. Not for me, it isn’t. I don’t just edit for the sake of making a video ya know. I edit when I feel like it. I edit depending on my mood. That way, I’m able to make it memorable for me. I want to be able to make videos that I would want to watch a thousand times and not get tired of it.

But anyway, I wanted to write something purposeful or deeper. I just can’t get to that tone yet, so I’m babbling nonsense here. It’s been months since I last wrote, but believe me when I say there’s a bunch of times I just feel like I wanna write something but then the next second the inspiration is gone as fast as it came. Ugh, sorry about that.

Out of topic here—something that I keep on doing—but being an international student is no joke. Sure the idea of studying abroad seems grand and all, but I don’t know. Most of the times, I find myself asking myself, am I on the right track? I guess I am. But it’s easy to get lost in track when I’m all stressed and missing my family. I tend to forget why I sacrificed so much to be here. But thank goodness for the people around me, for reminding me why I’m here and for listening to my rants about school stuff and work.

I am grateful. Always. But I’m entitled to feel tired and sad. That is something you’ll always read here on my blog. That it’s okay to feel sad and cry because it is. At the end of the day, we’re all just human being who feel tired and vulnerable. But the important thing is that after I write this, I’ll feel a whole lot better and get back on track.

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Grateful in January

Despite the stressful days, I had to post something and say some grateful things. This year 2019, I wrote down a couple of goals I want to achieve. I’m glad that for the first month of the year, I’ve crossed out three of those goals I’ve written. I’m truly grateful for whatever great things happened to me this first past 4 weeks of the year. To more great things and lessons in life and to crossing out the rest of my goals for 2019. Cheers!

xx

G

A Little Too Excited for a Wednesday

Hello people! I am currently at a teahouse sipping my first ever milk tea at Canada. Can you believe it? I’ve been here for almost a year and in that long period of time and I didn’t dare drink milk tea. Anyway, I’m currently on my 3rd term at my post degree studies. I have 4 subjects, which is one subject more than what I usually have in a term. And as if that’s not enough, I enrolled in a Japanese class. Yes! You read that right! I. Enrolled. Myself. At. A. Japanese. Class. AGAIN. Hahaha. This is my third time taking Japanese class in my whole life and I am excited. I’m freaking out. I came hour and a half early for my class and I still got an hour to wait. Hehe. So here I am, sitting at a teahouse trya kill time. I’ve been offered to buy a Japanese textbook that cost $75. But I said I’ll think about it. Good thing I said that because I found a free copy online. 🙂 I can’t wait. I’m so excited. Hihi. I’m really hoping to learn Japanese and be able to speak in a conversational way.

Anyway, I have my notebook in front of me. And Im about to write the hiragan and katakana just to see if I can still perfect it. 😭💕

Wish me luck!!! 💕💕💕💕

2019 Goals

Hey stranger, so I know this may seem a bit cliché. And let me tell you, it is cliché but I’m doing it anyway 🙂

1. Read More Books

Okay, so this one I need to take priority!!!! I’ve been neglecting reading for almost 2 years now. I used to love reading books. I think I still love reading books. The only difference is that I don’t find the time to read now, that’s why I’m making it a top priority for 2019 to finally get back to the reading game and finally improving my English again.

    2. Create a New Blog

Trust me when I say I’ve created multiples of blogs for myself. Maybe 5-8 already? But this time, Imma make it really legit and simple. I wanna start doing more. I wanna achieve and show more with this new website that I will make. Wait and see, I’ll make it! 🙂

    3. More Skin Care Less Make Up

Although this has been the case for years, I want to give more attention to my skin next year. I want to be able to really achieve what I want. Try to eat healthy foods and take care of my skin religiously is the way to go.

    4. EXERCISE. FOR. FUCKS. SAKE.

Come on, I need to exercise for fucks sake. I think exercise is one of the most New Year’s Resolutions of people. And even so, that’s one of mine too. Haha. Seriously, I need to get back on track. I miss MMA. I miss boxing. I miss running. Let’s not be such a lazy bum and actually do it, all right?

This my friend, believe it or not, will help me in achieving all of this things. Thoughts grow into reality, never heard of that? List what you wanna happen and trust me, you’ll be on the right track. You’re welcome! 😉

Everyday is Christmas For Me

It’s that season again where everyone gives gifts to their loved ones. And I’m not an exception to this. I gave my grandma a candle, a box of chocolate and a grocery gift card. I also got some other people gifts which I haven’t exactly had the chance to give it. I know it’s days late of Christmas already. But hey, they say every day is Christmas, right?

You’re probably wondering how my Christmas went. Well, it went exactly how my rest day usually goes. Imagine me waking up at 10 o’clock and spending the next hour browsing social media. After opening and checking every email and messages here and there, I would lay for another, let’s say, 30 minutes just thinking about how to spend the rest of my day.  Just when I thought I could lay for another 30 minutes, my tummy would scream and tell me to get my ass up and feed it. And there would I be, trudging to the kitchen and opening the fridge when I obv knew there would be nothing there for me. Hence, grabbing a banana and warming milk would be my only choice for my hungry tummy. All right, what time would it be by then? Oh right, it’d be around 2 o’clock. Time to Netflix and do some shit simultaneously. And yes, don’t worry, I still do understand what’s happening with the movie. I’m smart like that.  My mom would be calling at any time since it’d be morning in the Philippines. We’d talk for hours and while I’m still willing to talk for another lifetime, she’d be sorry and hung up ’cause papers are filing up her table and needs to finish them ASAP. No worries, I’ll just pop right back to binge-watching. And then, time for dinner. I’d draw a bath and pour Your Highness a glass of wine. I’d be blasting the sound in the bathroom and have the time of my life. After that refreshing moment, I’d fix myself and look myself in the mirror that would either result in me saying wow my skin looks nice today or yikes when would I ever love my skin. And then, pour another wine because I never settle for just a glass of something dear. I’m not satisfied like that. With my mind being poisoned by alcohol, I’d be brought in a different world where I see life as very interesting one. But of course, I told you I’m smart, right? I’d know when to stop taking drinks because I don’t wanna deal with hangover the next day. See that’s where the tricky part is every time. One has to be have a very strong will of stoping or else you’ll be a dead body walking the next day. And when I finally stop myself from drowning and realizing the bottle’s almost three quarters done, I’d close my eyes. Closing my eyes because tomorrow is another day for me to make things happen. Phew, that was some narration I did!

Anyway, just dropping by! Thanks for reading hihi!

Ja,

Glee

Yet Another Day

Good evening to you Thursday,

You’ve been pretty harsh to me today. You held the promise of finally making me feel better after the last midterm, but why is it that even hours after I got home from school I still feel so drained out and stressed? I feel so stressed actually. It could be because of a lot of things namely studying, working and breathing. How to destress? Oshiete kudasai. It’s a lot to take in being an international student. Maybe it’s just me because my classmates seem to have a bit of a fun in classes every now and then. Should I give up? Should I just keep going, then? But what if it doesn’t make me happy anymore? I’m confused. Does it not make me happy because I didn’t want what I was studying or just because I didn’t get my midterm? Would I say I feel alright if I got the midterm, then? What the fuck? Another day, yet another drama from me as always. I wonder how grown-ups figure it all out? Maybe they haven’t really figure shit out, right? They just go with the flow with life and see how it well turns out for them. If it doesn’t, well no one lives eternally to deal with it anyway. I don’t even know what’s up. Tomorrow, tomorrow…I made plans for tomorrow. I have to go to work as well. It’s nice to be busy. It makes me keep out of my pointless thoughts such as this one I’m writing. I can’t wait for things to be better. Oh yeah, now I remember why I decided to write tonight in the first place. On my way home tonight, I remembered I was feeling very much at peace just months ago. I even wrote that feeling down here. Having that thought, I let out a sudden sigh and asked myself. “Where did that moment go?”. It was just here! Now it’s nowhere to be found LOL. GOD HELP ME. I actually feel a little bit demotivated in making videos. I just couldn’t bring myself to pretend that everything was alright when things are not. But I know I need to get myself together. Don’t be such a pussy is something I would tell a friend if this were this situation. So yes, no time to feel sulky. But then again, it’s all just talk. I really am sad and confused right now.

lost in my own world

I’m entering yet into another world of mine wherein I feel like my soul feels everything from joy to sadness. It’s a nice and peaceful moment for me that I decided to at least try to put this feeling into words. Thoughts put into words that are so scrambled in my head right now. There are lots of things I want to accomplish in my life as of the moment. It hasn’t gotten to a point where it’s overwhelming and I hope it doesn’t get to that point because it’s gonna be bad for me. I like how things are going now. I feel calm despite knowing what’s out there for me tomorrow would be chaos. I’m thankful that I can still have this kind of moments. I know other people find it hard to tame their minds. I’m so sleepy but I just really want to put some thoughts out here.

I have this other thing going on that has been lingering on my mind for a while now. It’s starting to pop into my head pretty often and it’s getting me anxious all the time. I wanna do something about it but my hands are tied right now. I feel frustrated and sad and I just wanna cry now. I’m such a cry baby. Will sleep now. Til next time.

Love lots,

Glaire

A Retro Vibe Night

Tonight, I installed to my walls my newly bought string lights. I thought to myself when I saw the item on Miniso that it would add coziness to my room and it’s the season of lights and coziness so why not! Now I have it on the right foot side of my bed forming a heart shape. It glows that it’s the only light illuminating to the room. To give a little more touch to the light, I pop in some dreamy music. I’m loving Lust for Life by Lana del Rey. I feel so light even though I’m sober af right now.

Tomorrow is another weekday start for school. It’s getting late and I’m still enjoying the night. I’d say life’s too short to skip this kind of nights. The nights where you could just be sad and think about things. Not the kind of sadness you get when you failed your exam, but the kind where you think of a memory that makes you miss something. I wonder what life holds me in the future. I wonder if it’s something wonderful. Would it be one? I hope so. I’m so thankful of the blessings I’m receiving right now. I have never been so grateful and happy in my life. I didn’t even expect that these things were possible to even pass by my life if you know what I’m saying.

Sure, there are times when I ask myself if what I’m doing is all worth all the hassle and effort. During those times, I think that it’s important to always remember why I wanted IT to happen in the first place. I always try to remember that giving up does not solve the problem. Sure, I get tired but I just rest not stop. Actually, that was just told to me by a friend. Believe me when I say I’ve been feeling under pressure in this past couple of days that the thought of giving up has crossed my mind more than I can remember. Good thing I have positive people around me to remind me why I started what I am doing now. I’m thankful for them and I think it’s important to surround yourself with positive people that will bring you up and not down.

All right, I think that it is time to sleep. I need to get up early tomorrow and review. Midterm is coming and I need to be prepared. Lessons are getting challenging. I don’t think I can afford to fail ya know. I’d hate to spend any more extra time to study puhlease. Ja, mata ne!

Gee

7 A M Thoughts

Good morning everyone! Taking a little walk this morning to ease myself from yesterday’s stress! I just had my Accounting final examination that’s why. Needing to reassess my decision about my chosen career path, I decided I would start my day right today. Having only 4 hours of sleep did not stop me from putting my shoes and jacket to lazily trudged outside my bedroom.

I took an unusual route to my right this time hoping it would lead me to my same usual spot. But it didn’t. 🤦🏼‍♀️ Instead, I had to go around and head straight to my go-to route. I ended up to my usual favorite spot. I sat and enjoy my view to the ocean straight below me. Why don’t I do this often? I guess I’ve been caught up with things lately that I forgot I have my own life and hobbies as well. I was so down and stressed yesterday I had to distract myself with something, only realizing that I have nothing for myself. I have been letting myself be swayed and preoccupied by unimportant things. I need to re-evaluate myself truly.

Some morning thoughts:

It’s important to always remember to love yourself first to able to give any love back to anyone.

Adulting is fucking hard. Why didn’t they prep us for this kind of inevitable circumstances in life? All they did teach us were Math, Science…

I wish I had always known what I want to be when I grow up.

It’s true what they say that being physically away with your problem does not mean mentally being away with it. Lol.

If I can, I’d like to be brave and chase some old childish dream and be carefree happy.

I’m getting old to be this indecisive still.

What do I really want?

Am I even trying to achieve something? Have I achieved something?

Peace of mind is everything to a person. No matter what, he’ll always find a way to appreciate and accept things.

I don’t think I’ve heard anyone disagrees to the saying, “Life is unfair.” Even the fortunate ones think so…

However, I believe life is full of opportunities. I’ve been given lots and maybe I just wasn’t utilizing it to its full potential.

And I’m back to the start, re-evaluating myself…

Have a grateful day, minna!

xx

Gee

It’s Gonna Get Better, But It’s Taking Forever

I must have been born sad. I can’t keep up with happiness! That feeling when I’m happy all day and suddenly out of nowhere sadness would wash all over my soul and there’s no stopping it. Is this normal? Sometimes, I wonder if I’m the only person who can experience this. Maybe I just love being sad so much? Is that even possible? Now that I think about it, I love being confined to a small space. Not that it matters to my point, but maybe it has something to do with that. Hmmm, maybe I really was born like this. Is there any way out of this? Don’t get me wrong. I love myself. I feel so blessed. I feel so loved. But I don’t like being sad like this. Not when I don’t know the reason behind my sudden change of mood. I know being sad is sometimes needed in our lives. But in my case, is this really healthy? Will this ever go away? Will this ever hinder me from my true happiness? What is true happiness really? Sigh. Too many questions drowning my head right now.

“In the end, I’m going to be all right” is a thought that I always hold onto. Some might say I’m living my life to the fullest. I am, actually. And I couldn’t be more grateful to everyone, especially God. But I think I’m entitled to feel sad at times and vent at something like this. It’s not like I go around and announce, “Hey, I’m sad. May you be sad as well!” No, not at all. For what it’s worth, I think I give an opposite vibe to everyone else. Well, except my sestra. Sestra knows me too well when there’s something wrong with me.

I missed writing. Glad to be able to talk to you guys again.

June 19, 2018

Aloha everyone! Here at the bus station waiting for the next bus to come. I’m the first person on the queue, actually. I was not about to ride and stand all the way home, so I chose to wait for the next bus. 🙃 Today was a very distracting day for me. I could not concentrate well on my classes. Good thing, my Math class did not conduct a quiz for today. Oh btw, I just registered my subjects for the coming Fall term. Already, right? A bit fast, if you’ll ask me. That just made me realize that we’re half way done through this semester. Wow!

As usual, lots of reporting and homework happening. Today, I volunteered compiling and editing our business proposal. Even though, it’s another work and tomorrow’s my rest day. I realize I’d rather sacrifice a few hours than cry over my will-be grade for that paper. Some more things about school stuff: more paper dues for the next coming weeks and individual presentation in two weeks. I don’t know why I’m not that scared on public speaking anymore. I mean I know I’m not the most comfortable public speaker, but the thought itself is not eating me anymore. Unlike before, mind you, I’d rather be hospitalized than do the speak in front of more than 3 people. But of course, I’m glad that didn’t happen. Hehe. What was I thinking?! I’m all fine now though. No worries. Yo girl will nail this public speaking. ☺️

Anyway, bus is still not here. But I better stop using my phone now and focus on the music I’m listening to. It’s been a long day and it’s always comforting to listen to my playlist after a supeeeer long day!

Ja ne!

Glaire

Don’t Mind Me. I’m Just Being a Little Too Emotional

Birthday jitters still in my system. But wait, is there even such thing as birthday jitters? Lol. Whatever. It’s currently 11:48 PM and I’m still wide awake. One thing that has changed since I came here in Canada for sure is that I always sleep late. Goodbye 9 PM bedtime. Even if I wanted to sleep at 9 PM, the sun is still out at that time, who can ever sleep with the sun still out?! I’m still quite surprised by my capability of staying this late, ya know. Usually at this late of time, my eyes would be all droopy but nooo. So weird and fun at the same time. I feel so rebellious, actually. I think this is the start of developing my under-eye bags. Eww. But it can’t be help, right? Not unless I really forced myself to sleep, which is what I do sometimes. But see, I come home from school around 8:30 PM. Then, I still have to eat my dinner, talk to my mom, and do my own stuff. So really, it’s not that easy to just force myself to sleep.

And you know what? I just realized how comfortable I am in writing in my blog. It feels so good to let out these frustrations. I know I haven’t been active here or in any other social media because I have been very busy with adjusting and everything, especially with school stuff. There’s really always that one subject that act like they’re the only subject in the world. It annoys the hell out of me, but at the same time, I’m challenged because I haven’t been this busy in a long time. It’s actually fun to be getting annoyed because you’re too busy, right? Hehe. Whatever. But yeah, I don’t even know what I was supposed to talk about. I get distracted so easily. Basically, I just write whatever comes into my mind. No plot or anything like that.

Work. I need to talk about that. Not sure if I have been sharing stuff about my what’s happening with my work. Okay, so I work in a kitchen. Basically, I work in a grocery store. Kinda like what I do in our business back in the Philippines, so the experience is not a total surprise for me. But what makes it really scary is because I have to learn every corner of the kitchen: making a salad, pizza, sushi, coffee and chicken wings. Crazy, right? Frankly, on my first 2 shifts, I almost quit. I was like, “I don’t like this job. I don’t think working in a kitchen is my calling or whatever.” But I virtually hit myself with my nagging. Haha. I told myself to stop being such a baby and just do the job. And now, I am happy I stayed. It’s funny and very interesting. On my second day, I was asked to make pizzas for the opening. I was dumbfounded. I said I didn’t know how to make a pizza. They just let me do everything by myself. I had no idea how I did it, but I did it anyway. And thinking about what I could do is what makes me keep going in this job. It’s not about what kind of specific job I do, but it’s about proving to myself that I am down to anything in this life and that there’s nothing I can’t learn if I put my heart in it. But mostly, I am assigned in the cashier area. So, I make coffees and deal with the customers firsthand. It’s nerve-wracking ’cause most customers are seniors and I get to deal with mostly very meticulous old ladies. It’s scary as hell, but oh well, it’s not gonna kill me to try and just put myself out there, right? This being a working-student has me earned the respect of all the students out there who have been doing this for so long. Because I am telling you, it is not easy to juggle studies and work! Huhuhuhu!

Oh wow, it’s past midnight now. I still have work tomorrow for 8 hours. Good luck to me. And did I mention, I have 700 papers due for the coming days? Good night, you guys.

Thanks for making it this far. I rant too much. I talk too much. But I love you so much for making it this far!

Mwa,

Gureru ♡

Turning 23

Today is the day after my birthday. I basically celebrated a three-day birthday here in Canada. I celebrated a day earlier because my birthday comes first in the Philippines then the next day as my current birthday then today as the last day where everyone thinks it’s still my birthday. Joe kept pampering me. She gave me a cake earlier. SO SWEET! Also, it was her turn to treat me a Starbucks coffee and she fed me lunch. Hahaha. We’re sisters pala. Someone told us the other day when we were at the museum for my birthday. A guard, actually a fellow Filipino, asked us if we were siblings. We were shocked to know we have resemblance haha! Oh well. Life’s fun as hell with her. Glad I get to spend my 2 years studying with this crazy.

Anyway, I just turned 23. I feel hmmmm old? Not yet, really. It hasn’t dawned on me yet.😛 I don’t think 23 is that old, except maybe sometimes I feel as though I’m really old already because I’m not even sure what I’m doing with my life. And it seems like other people have it all figured out. But do they, really?

As I get old, I learn to be bolder and go for the things that make me happy. Every day I get to realize the things and people that matter and that way I’m able to work that relationship more for a stronger future with them diba. These recent events make me also realize how lucky I am. Even though studying isn’t something that I’m very thrilled to be back in my life, just thinking about what I have and what others don’t, make me appreciate it now. And now, I’m starting to get the groove of everything. There are lesser ungrateful things coming out of my mouth instead, more appreciation of what I have is what I practice every day.

To being 23, to being able to come this far, to being able to survive shitload of crap since I was born, to being able to stand up and cry and laugh after bad encounters, here I am writing this to myself. Most importantly, to being the person I am now, to being the clueless girl yet continues to find the answer to every little thing that confuses me, to being the weirdest girl I can be, to being the most sweetest daughter to my parents—I try, okay—, Happy Birthday, self! 🙂

looking forward to more birthdays hunney,

Glaire