Can Too Much Anticipation Kill?

I cannot wait for my application to be done with. I just got the tracking number to track my application just the other day, and I’ve been checking on it since then. I know it doesn’t make sense to worry and write things about this, but I am freaking out. I am sick, like literally, and all I could think about is if I’m approved or not. It’s been close to a month since I last worked out, which was crazy because I have been leaning more into meat and rice for the last couple of days. I’m not that worried yet about my weight, but I’m concerned a little bit about my health. I need to move and exercise more. But right now, I’m sick and exerting more effort won’t do any good for my body.

So I busy myself with cleaning my room, organizing my stuff, writing in my journal, revamping my blog and watching a bunch of tutorials. I should really start making that video on our La Union trip, but I just don’t get that inspiration yet. All of the videos I made were made out of sheer inspiration if that makes sense. I don’t like ‘trying’ to make a video. I do it when I want to and I feel like doing it. I don’t do it for the sake just to have a video coming out of a trip.

I think there are things that I wanted to share and do right now, but something is holding me back. And that’s the fear of not being able to get a student permit. I kinda feel everything is put on hold before the decision and that I could only resume my normal life once it has been decided.

If you’ve been reading my previous posts about me having that inner peace, well that’s not true anymore. HAHAHA. Who am I kidding? I’m not at peace, yo! I can’t even do the one thing that I’m good at and that’s sleeping early. Now, I can’t do that. 12 am is usually when drowsiness hits me and that’s not even good for my low blood pressure. Anyhow, I still have a month to wait. AND THIS IS KILLING ME, YOU THINK?!

xoxo,

glaire 😦

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Lightroom Preset Giveaway

I get questions on how I edit my pictures. I used to edit using VSCO but sometimes, it’s not just enough. So I switched to using Adobe Photoshop Lightroom Classic. LR Presets are installable photo effects or filters that can quickly improve mood and color of a photo with just a click. You need to have the desktop version for it to use or you can get it here.

Since you know how much I love, love you guys, I decided to share some Lightroom Presets that I’ve made. I hope you like them and tell me what you think about it. If you like some more, I could make a bundle pack. And I’ll let you guys know.

I’ll try to add a few more presets now and then, so try to check from time to time. And you should be set by following this instructions on importing and using the presets!

Urban Japan Preset 

two (2) presets available: Day Version and Night Version

Japan Presets, these two presets gives a traditional look for your every outtakes. The UJ day preset gives your picture a green hue which complements the green surroundings of the country or any Southeast Asian countries. On the other hand, the UJ night preset gives that comic vibe reflecting on colorful street signage. I made two versions just because the settings are different depending on the time of the day.  Although, inspired by Japan, this can be widely used in any other photos from around the world! 

 

Click images to download:

                                                                                                          

And don’t forget to follow me on Instagram!

 

 

Elyu Aftermath

So I’m back. It’s always nice to be back in my own room with my own bed and my own fan. I was sort of sick throughout the trip. I blame the bus liner for its super cold temperature. It was definitely an inhumane kind of cold condition! Anyway, who does that!? Only Isarog and Peñafrancia Bus Lines. UGH!

La Union was kind of bitin at the end because I’ve gotten used to the places around me and then just like that we had to leave. But the days were definitely enough for my liking and sanity, I guess. I did like the artsy restaurants and their foods were not a disappointment. In fact, I think most of the budget went to foodstuff. I think the only activity we did was the hiking, which for the record, took most of our whole day and was the only major thing that I can actually say we did at LU.

Mostly, the trip back and forth was the most time consuming of all. First, it took us 20 hours just to get from Bicol to La Union. Then, it took us 13 hours vice versa. Major hassle, weew. I mean, I suggested bringing a car but they said no. So okay, we had to deal with that one.

So I just got home yesterday morning and I have been feeling uneasy ever since. I don’t know what’s going on or why I am all so antsy all of a sudden. I don’t know. It’s annoying me. As much as I want to feel okay, I can’t. I’m just glad I’m able to write about something now because I’ve been having a staring contest with my laptop since this morning.

Oh well, I’ve posted a few pictures from La Union. There’s not much to see. I took videos mostly but not pictures. Hope you like them! Happy scrollin’.

 

02.13.2018

Bonjour, ça va?

Today, today, today, today. Today, I opened the store and mom took the day off. I had a rough morning, to begin with! I ended up messing the computer server, so I had no choice but to call and ask for my mom’s help. I was losing it very much. Do you ever have times when everything just goes wrong and you’re not even lifting a finger to cause anything at all? Like the disaster just comes to you. I just had my freaking period, what could have been triggering me? And I’m eating a lot too, more than my usual.

A friend today even provoke the crap out of me and bitch I played it cool. I wouldn’t stoop lower just for you. On the other side of this thing, I’m actually glad I’m finally mad at this person. Like you know what? I’ve had enough of your bullshit. The magic is gone and I’m not about to make you make me feel any lesser now.

On a lighter note, the medical clinic I had been exchanging emails about my medical status had finally submitted my application to the embassy. I can’t believe it. This was what I had been hoping and waiting for, for the last 6 months, and now it has been done. Thank you, self, for being strong and believing in your own capability that you can go through it. And we did. I did it. Now, the only thing to wait for is the decision for my student permit. I have not been wanting to write something about my anticipation for the visa decision because I felt like in some ways, I was going to jinx it, but fuck it. I have been also researching about my future stay in Canada like my place to stay, part-time jobs, activities to do, and some basic stuff. But at the same time, this feels a little scary doing this because I’ve been on this road before. I had done my research and whatnot, only to be crushed by the news that I was sick. And so, as I am in this road again, I always, always begin with telling myself that if, for some reason, things could go wrong again, I should be mentally and emotionally be prepared about it.

You see, most of the time, in most things in life, it’s not a straight path at all. Most times, it’s a struggle between being an optimist and a realist. You can’t just stay positive and not think about all the possible negative outcomes that could happen. Likewise, you can’t just be dreading and hoping for the worst because the way of thoughts and the way of actions are two intertwined things in this universe. And so right now, I am all over the places. I see now that that’s probably the reason why I’m a walking ticking bomb lately. This is that final point where I know that either of two things in my life is about to happen. Either I chase my dream to Canada and have the life I want or I stay and make it work here. And I am not going to lie that as much as I stay positive and all that shit, I do think about the idea of not getting a yes on a student permit. Of course, I think about that all the time. I even get nights now where my late-night thoughts are consumed by this horrible possibility. It’s scaring the fuck out of me, okay? Forgive me for the outburst of profanities here.

On a much much happy note, today is my baby brother’s birthday! 🙂 He just turned 15, but he looks so grown up now. What is it with young kids looking and acting so mature at a young age? When I was at his age, I was proudly showing my flabs to my friends. But kids these days, they make out the majority of every gym spaces right now. I can’t even. Or I’m just getting old and starting to be one of those old people who constantly compare themselves to younger generations like, ugh kids these days don’t even talk in person but just plant their faces on their phones. Lol. But I am a proud ate with my siblings. They are the kinds of kids parents are praying for to have. So I will be closing the store early because we’ll be having a small family dinner.

This is a lengthy post now, I know. But on my defense, this is to make up for the days when I have such intense thoughts that I couldn’t even write what those are about. I just wanted to say more about how I’m hoping, really hoping for the best for me. And that is to get my student permit. I don’t want to let this opportunity pass and regret it for the rest of my life. It’s just that now that I am 22—the average age of a graduate student—I wanted to be able to start and focus on things, career-wise. And yes, it’s starting to dawn on me that I’m an adult now, that I have to be responsible for my own and start to take care of other people too. I’m glad that I have these options to choose from like having to study abroad and not be forced to work and be financially responsible for my family. For this, I am eternally blessed in more ways I could ever imagine. I pray that whatever the future holds, there would be guidance to walk me through this life.

Finally, I won’t be posting for another week or so. I will be celebrating this coming long weekend with my friends at La Union for 3 days. Should be one hella weekend. But I mean, it’s totally going to be a wholesome weekend getaway for me, since I’m not up for some wild nights. I don’t even drink anymore. I’m afraid I won’t really keep up with people having fun if I’m sober, so I definitely arranged my budget on food twice as high than I normally would because I would have to busy myself eating than be drinking mojitos.

Wow, you’ve made it this far?! Kudos to you. Thank you so much for reading my lengthy blog post. Leave a comment down below on what your plans for the upcoming long weekend or just about anything at all. I’d like to get to know my readers better. And I don’t bite. *wink*

salut à mes lecteurs

Glaire

01.29.12

Kind of hard to find some inspiration to write these days. I always get that short span of the excitement of wanting to write something then ends up losing interest in a few sentences. But tonight, I think I could hold up to say a few things.

I’m finally done with meds. Thank you. 🙂 Just thinking about it makes me smile so freaking much. I’ll be having my last doctor’s appointment in a week. Hopefully, it’ll be a positive last check-up. Or else, it’ll tear me to pieces for real. Anyway, we’ll see, okay? No need to worry about something I don’t control.

This morning, I was about to start working when I saw my name at the top of the page. Your girl is on the top list, TOP 1. Hahaha. Who would have thought?! Certainly, not me. In fact, I was kind of worried before the cut off since I know I didn’t get the quota for the bonus and thought it was such a waste. But alas, I made it to the top even. It’s funny and amazing at the same time. Hihi.

What else…

Oh right. A few days left for the first month of 2018. Wow, right? Glad I was invited by my friends to go out of the town for a few days for the coming month. so at least there’d be a change of view for a while. I’m just quite worried I might not have that much fun and I might be such a downer for them, you know what I mean? I just got out of meds and basically, I can’t have too much fun yet and I don’t think I’m ready to jump into my old habits just yet. But I tried to ignore those nudging thoughts when I said yes to them, I know I need this to get past this phase. Besides, what could go wrong with a little out of town, right?

Also, quite a bit sad but I’m overall fine. I think it’s perfectly normal to be sad sometimes, just to acknowledge that everything doesn’t always have to work out the way you always wanted it to be and to still be grateful for that. I just…I don’t know. You know how things led to something that consequently made you think of something or someone? Yup, you get me. I guess, I just thought of the people that used to be part of my life, how easy and happy it was, how I never thought it was possible for me to say goodbye to them for good. Maybe not necessarily for good, but like it could never be as good as before. You know what I mean? I know I’ll move on. I always do. We always do. Just that at this moment, being sad sometimes is the only way to relive the memories and maybe think about where I went wrong and maybe help me reevaluate myself. This kind of moments will always be part of me until I’m not thinking about it anymore. Until it becomes one of those long lost childhood memories that you came to faintly remember 15 years later and you’ll be like oh yeah, I think that happened.

glaire

Oyasumi

Yay for sleeping early tonight. But not so fast, because I wanted to drop by first. I just wanted to say how incredibly grateful I am for today, for yesterday, and for tomorrow. I’m happy. Not in a literal sense that I’m always lauging out loud and stuff like that. But I mean it like I’m so at peace. Like some Shaman came over to my dream one night and decided I deserved some peace. But at the same time, it’s like one of those disturbing silent things that happen before a great destruction comes. Scary, right?

But anyway, I’m not really in a mood to dwell on things that deep. I’m sleepy as fuck now, okay! I just wanted to drop by.

Love lots,

Gee~

Hurdle Number 1 in 2018

My first hurdle of the year came this morning at my email. I was removed from the online job that I was with since last December. It’s funny because today marks the first month that I’d be working with them. I emailed them for a dispute, of course. I wanted to fight, at least, if they were to throw me out of their team. But if after that still nada, then that’s fine. It happens for a reason. Although, this morning I was really feeling blue and a bit angry. But then, I shared the news with my mom and she just know what to say. She makes everything so easy. It’s as if everything she says make sense. It’s absolutely amazing how she can do that.

Anyway, I’m currently at a cafe. Just by myself. Yep. I’ve always wanted to do this! Alone in a secluded cafe with my laptop and diary at the side table sipping coffee and eating cake. Gosh but damn that’s expensive. AHHAHAH. So yes, here I am and literally only the person in the cafe. The reason being is that I needed to download an application and the internet back home is just not helping me get that. To my dismay though, it seems like the internet in this cafe is slower than my grandma. I can’t. I’m happy that I finally did the be-in-a-secluded-cafe but come on, man, I came with a purpose. Good thing, dad called and said the electricity’s back at his place. I guess, it’s time so say good bye to this cute-but-has-shitty-internet cafe. Ciao.

 

Thank you, 2017.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?! Last day of 2017. Wow. I mean, time flies so damn fast. Tomorrow, though it may not dawn on us yet that it’s 2018 already, it’s important to recognize the New Year! Make some New Year’s resolution. It’s not cliché. It’s not ridiculous to have NY’s resolution. In fact, it’s one of the ways to show that we are ready for a new beginning and we are ready to move forward with a positive attitude. I used to think that making a resolution for the New Year is absurd because, let’s face it, no one actually make it to the second day of a new year without violating something on their lists. 😂 But now, I’ve realize that it’s not about just the simple repetitive list that we make. More importantly, it’s about having the right mind setting as we enter into a new year. I know we have all the time to do whatever it is to change whenever we want to, but this is the chance especially for those who hasn’t begun in their make-over journey. Having the list as your guide will help you stay in line for your focus and goals throughout the year. If you don’t agree, then I understand. You must be going through something to even care about waking up let alone having a NY’s resolution. I’ve been there so I know.

But anyway, if you were to sum up this year into one sentence, what would it be?

I bet you’re all like This year has been such a rollercoaster of events and emotions or I’m just glad year is over or something like what I would go for this year like This year has been a salvation year for me.

I had the rollercoaster type of answer for years wherein I was thankful despite the majority shitness throughout every year. I remember struggling to feel okay and see the light despite the shady things in my life then. But not this time.

On January, a month since I came home, I was feeling lonely more than happy to be back.  I didn’t have a work and I was missing my life in Chicago. Basically, I was still adjusting to everything.

On March, I decided to pursue my application to universities. I wanted to have A life back in order. I let myself be sad. I let myself cry. I let myself loath. But I also told myself that there’s an end to this.

On June, I turned 22. Also on my birthday was my last day to drink alcohol. Been sober ever since.

On July, the month that completely changes me. Here’s the month I started healing and the month I started to get sick. Just when I started getting rid of toxins and bad habits both in my body and mind, I was diagnosed with a sickness. A semi-major sickness, just to categorized. By that time, I had already got in and enrolled for the Spring 2018 but since I was sick, I had no choice but to defer.

On September, I was getting better. Thanks for the help of the people who cares about me.

On November, easy come easy go seemed to be the highlighted quote of the month.

On December, here I am. Still fighting and hoping and breathing and everything! I am happy. When one goes, comes a better one. Now, that’s a better quote I have than the last month.

Thank you, 2017. Thank you for hurting me, loving me, teaching me a lesson, abandoning me. You made me nothing but stronger this year. I am so happy that finally some part of me is back in piece with myself. This year was not much but staying home but the lessons I learned, the development I’ve gained were much more than the year I had when I was being productive.

This is my last message for the year. I’ll be seeing you, next year!

Ja ne,

Gureru

Merry Christmas 🎄

Merry Christmas! Honestly, this day couldn’t get any more ordinary than our usual day. But it’s nice to be alive and feel the magic in the air where people who you haven’t talked in a while drops a greeting on your Messenger, ampao from Santa Claus and foods at Noche Buena that are quite enough to last for a month. Not much any positivity to share right now. So you guys have a merry christmas and enjoy the holidays with the fambam.

xoxo,

G

happy kiddo ^__^

I’m proud and earning. LOL. It’s not much but it’s definitely making me want to wake up early every morning. It’s like, finally! Looking forward to a work that I definitely enjoy. Hehe. I’m a blessed kid. I just am.

I can’t wait to see my brother later. He’s coming home with us to celebrate the holidays. I can feel mother’s excitement this far.

Alrighty. Talk to you guys tomorrow.

G

Long Thoughts on a Long Night

Ah. Tonight’s going to be a long night again. I’m traveling to Manila by car tonight for my monthly medicine refill. I’m with my baby sis. She’s eagerly seated beside me and I bet she’s feeling some kind of independency right now. She just challenged me to stay awake throughout the whole journey. Saying she doesn’t need sleep. Annoying but cute. I’m on my usual position seated just behind the driver’s seat. My feet extended in front of me, blanket set on my entire half, earphones plugged in my ears listening to Love by Finding Hope, pillow on my lap and scarf snaked around my neck looks like I’m all set. Perfect. Did I mention it’s raining?

I’d say this year has been all about being idle, literally and mentally. It didn’t leave me much choice. The unfortunate happenings, I mean. Although somehow, maybe I could’ve done something to be busy. But this gave way to discovering the things that are important to me. It’s like finding a hidden treasure in my life. I’m like one of those kids starring at the movie The Goonies where they went out for an adventure to find a hidden treasure. Only in my version, I’m just stationary most of the time. They have the saying with one leaving comes a better one. And something just keeps leaving in my life only to be replace by something better and even more better with the next thing that comes. Or maybe it’s just the way I perceived it. I always look for a reason to be thankful. My motto in life is one of those clichés, “Everything happens for a reason.”

‘Tis The Season For Love ❤

5 more days until the hanging of stockings. I wish my Santa won’t be cheap this year. Hahaha I am just dropping by. I decided that I will be leaving a little realization every day until Christmas to talk about my learnings or just what I feel about. Also, taking a little bit break from all the work and stuff.

With the recent events, I’ve never been happy, motivated and excited in a very long time. I just wish that everyone is feeling the same thing that I do especially it’s Christmas season. No matter how cliché that sounds, ’tis the season for love, and we should all try to at least be happy and welcome the New Year with a good vibe. I know I wouldn’t have said it 3 years ago when I was feeling miserable and empty, but now I’m just very grateful it happened. It wasn’t exactly what I had been picturing when I was a kid on how I would be as an adult. It’s true, it has been a little bit bumpy on my journey—hell, most of the times, I was and still am just confused as to whether take a left or right—but no one ever claimed that life is a no-brainer. So there you go. I’m clinging to life as much as possible and making the most out of it. Haha I mean, I don’t know about making the most out of it for now. But I am at peace—at the moment, I guess—and I know a lot of people don’t have that, so I’m thankful.

Arigatou.
Ho Ho Ho,
G

Last Half Month of 2017

Hooray for finally making another blog update on this site. I may have been a little bit obsessed with some freelance work. And it’s all thanks to Saki! Thank you, haha!

Let’s see, 10 days before Christmas…Who’s getting excited?! I am not that hype up about it, though. I mean, the food is definitely something to look forward to but my fam isn’t too big on gift givings—and that’s just my main concern, really. But yes, all is good. Meanwhile, I didn’t enroll in MMA this month because I feel like I’d be wasting my money on this holiday season. You know how it is with the Filipinos and their holiday celebrations. The food, the bonding, the everything. One day just won’t suffice for it all so better save my precious money for next year. Also, I’ve been in contact with my agent again regarding with my visa documents. A few more requirements but I should be fine by next month. And of course, December won’t be complete y’all if it didn’t have a storm coming up on our country. So, everyone’s locked up in their houses because the weather is starting to get bad. No classes but hopefully it doesn’t get bad as last year because that’s just too much.

So there you go, a quickie update for y’all. I hope you guys are having an awesome day night or whatever! 🙂 Stay safe and dry! Love ya. 🙂

 

xoxo,

G

The Script in Manila

This post should have been made a month ago! I can’t believe how my life got so much hectic and drama these past few weeks that I forgot to share this major event happening. THE SCRIPT is coming in Manila in April 2018. The perfect time before I fly out of the country for good. I can’t think of a better last month ender here in the Philippines.

But the thing is, I can’t attend. Hahaha. As much as I BADLY want to, I can’t afford it really. I have already used my Christmas gift from my mom—and yes, it’s not even Christmas yet lol—and I’m sure my dad won’t be as generous as to give me money for some boy band. I mean, besides that no one really is willing to attend it with me. My friends are either not a die-hard fan or just didn’t care! *faints* Don’t worry, I may have long prepared myself to be calm and not be disappointed regarding this things. After all, there are worse thing than not being able to attend to one of my dream concerts. I have like major three dream concerts that I want to attend to ever since and The Script is one of them. This is so heartbreaking more than anything. It’s not even 2018 and I’m already dreading something for next year!

Oh well, life just gets more exciting and exciting for me. No, really. Despite how disappointed I may seem, it’s just a concert. I actually want to attend their concert in their homeland which is my dream country too. So, if this one isn’t meant for me maybe I should just stick and wait for my original plan to happen.

 

12.03.17

A quick Sunday realization…

Today I wrote on my notebook diary and it was mostly an update about what happened the last few days. I was quite surprised to have found myself saying positive thoughts of life despite the hardship that I am facing. I like the person I have become over the last months and I wouldn’t certainly be in a good place if it weren’t for the unfortunate and fortunate circumstances that contribute to where I am right now. So, I am mostly grateful for the bad things that had happened to me over the past months bc it made me stronger and realize my worth. I just feel different this time, I don’t quite know how to explain it. Just that I like this present me than the old version of me.

For my readers, have a blessed Sunday and be grateful for today.