Before And After Me

I used to love going out like A LOT. Β And by that I meant drinking til I’m passed out drunk, going home past 12am, doing hella crazy stuff or YOLO for short. People who know me back in college can easily pinpoint me as one of those gals who is down for anything crazy and illegal. I don’t do drugs or anything major like that but more subtle things like drunk driving or anything alcohol-involved. I wasn’t always like that though…

Back before I became so open-minded and liberal-kinda, I was this geek girl who was a KPOP, JPOP, Kdrama, Jdrama, anything international-language-that-you-can’t-even-pronounce drama fan. I was this student who participated in Sudoko challenges in school. I even joined the Rubik’s cube challenge back in college with no friends to support me because my interests were too odd for them. I lost in round one though, but it didn’t matter because I felt fulfilled trying my best. I WAS THAT SIMPLE GIRL. Literally. I remember in my first year of college, I only had four or five t-shirts and two pairs of pants to wear at school. Everything I had was oversized shirts except for this one blue- striped blouse that I bought before school started. I was wearing it every week it became impossible for every single one of my block mates to have missed. How’d I know? A few years later, one of them confessed she could still draw that blouse by heart. See? I was this home-to-school school-to-home girl. But then life got in the way and decided to revamped my life. I started hanging out after class more. I learned how to wear skinny jeans. I got conscious and decided that three cups of rice per meal was more than a mortal sin. Although, I allowed it on my menstrual periods because damn girl give me some slack! Thinking about it now, I did became another person. I didn’t realize it back then because I was too preoccupied with the changes happening to me. My mom got pretty upset of what was happening and then the confused little girl inside me threw a tantrum and did bad things. You know, usual stories about good girl gone bad.

When it became too much, I begged my mom to get me out of the country. I was then in the U.S. for a year. Got what I finally wanted and learned to love myself again. I found myself beginning to return to who I was before. Even though, I couldn’t be the perfect replica of my older version I can say I have improved a lot for the better. Despite all of the hardship, I am very thankful for the lessons and experiences. I wouldn’t be me now if it weren’t for those.

But then, I came home late last year and got pretty depressed for a couple of months. Maybe because reality hit me again. My indecisive self could not keep up with things. Nowadays, I don’t hang out with my friends because I feel like I’m lagging behind them. I feel we have this friendship gap probably because I was absent for a year or I’m not in the same stage as them anymore. Also, the usual family dramas keeps on hunting me everyday. It’s sad and it did get into me. I almost fell into my bad habits. Almost. Instead, I chose the path that I didn’t choose before. I dealt it with positivity. I very much thank God because every single time that I almost did something bad, something will happen that won’t made me do it. It wasn’t just once but many times. It’s as if a sign from the universe not to give in to temptations. And I’m very thankful for that. Thankful for the never ending support and guidance from my family and God.

Now, I feel better than I have felt in years. Not just temporary happiness that you feel when you bought a new toy and the next day you’re like meh but that peace you know is lingering inside you no matter what stroke of bad luck you may encounter. I know this may not last. Nothing is. But for now, I am choosing to embrace this and be better as long as I can. Who knows? I may be eating my words in a few months but for now I am just really happy I got to have the chance to feel light and at peace again.

Xoxo,

G

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Flashbacks. Surprise!

Something about tonight reminded me of a memory I was trying so hard to ignore. I’d still say it was one of the bittersweet things to remember.

I had a get together with my old friends today. We went to a friend’s place chitchatting and smoking hookah. It was a typical night out for us. You know, since mostly of them got jobs and their only free time is on weekends so it’s nice to catch up and hang with them from time to time. But even so, I was feeling uneasy especially when Twinnie started playing sad songs. It was not a depressed kind of melody but it was more of an Ed Sheeran kind of music. Perfectly right on the moment, one of the couples were sitting right in front of me displaying affection or whatever. Although it was a very sweet scene to look atβ€”posing a romantic head on shoulder to each otherβ€”I tried not to get too deep about it. I guess, I couldn’t help but think about the time I was with someone doing the same thing.

On my last day at Chicago, me and this guy were quietly sitting at the airport waiting for my boarding time or whatever and like I said we were leaning our heads to each other like there was no one around us. Then suddenly, we both looked up to this womanβ€”I think she was a flight attendantβ€”who stopped right in front of us tilting her head and said “Are you two in love?” then waiting for no response she just resumed strolling ahead. We were both silent for a second until he said something like it took him a while to get what the woman said. I just smiled and I mean what could I say.

It was just one of those memories that make me smile whenever I think about it. It may not make sense to you as to why I find it so dearly to my heart but don’t you just have the same moments that you consider special despite no grand gestures included or making no sense whatsoever? Anyway, so the story doesn’t end there and here’s why I find it bittersweet:

We sat for couple more minutes before exchanging our final byes and hugs. Then while he was hugging me, he said I love you. No drum rolls in real life happening, people. Funny thing was, I questioned him three times before I finally understood what he was trying to say. I mean it totally took me by surprise that the guy even knew the word love forgodsake. Well…and that’s the end of the story. I don’t think I want to share the next happenings. 😜It was just pure embarrassment on my part. Although, I wondered if the lady did become a factor of why he said he love me. Was it somehow a push in the back for him to say something so forward? Anywise, I am still convinced that he regretted the second he blurted out those words to me. Maybe he was really feeling it but it was a spur of the moment and no one could really tell the true validity of that statement, right? But it was so sweet of him to say it and I just wasn’t sure of myself why I didn’t say it back. True to my doubts, we never even mentioned another thing about what happened at the airport. It wasn’t that of a big deal, after all.

Triggered memories, spontaneous recollections and sometimes horrible flashbacks could either make you want to hug or strangle somebody. It’s a conflict of both sides so better get ready anytime.

Things I Look Forward To

Hello guys! Sorry for the short posts lately, I was not really inspired. I just wanted to say how hyped I am with what’s happening to me these past few weeks and for what’s gonna happen for the next couple of weeks. Here let me list down the things I’m looking forward to:

March

1. I-LEAD

Tomorrow will be the announcement for the qualified candidates to attend the 5-day leadership program in D.C. We wrote an essay about a leadership topic and then that’s it. I hope I get the chance to participate and if not, then better luck next time.

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2. Phone

I also bought a new phoneβ€”don’t worry it’s not that expensiveβ€”for a few reasons. First, I want it. LOL I need not to buy a new phone but I figured I deserve a new few things especially I’m earning my OWN money. πŸ™‚ Second, my current iPhone is locked so I couldn’t use any carrier here on the U.S. so not net which is really hard and complicated sometimes. Lastly, my phone’s starting to crank up since I’ve had it for three years now.

3. Phone Cases

I bought this adorable fur case, sticker, and wine case for my phone. I love it and I may have splurged on it but who cares.

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April

1. Night Nation Run

This I cannot truly wait! It’s a 1st running music festival, you know, DJ’s be playing while you’re running at every station and at the end of the musical voyage there’s gonna be like a big party or something. It’s going to be so much fun, don’t you think so?! I’m doing it with Sheena so we better be ready to run a 5K.

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3. Moving in with a new family

I’m gonna be moving out to this crappy house, finally! Oh my god, you guys don’t know anything but I have been living in a hell for months now. People here are so noisy, weird, and I don’t know if they’re even human. Possibly not! I mean like how can someone be so insensitive and play their music so fucking loud in morning and before freaking sleep time. Oh yesterday morning, I was still sleeping and dreaming when suddenly there’s this music blaring to the point where I thought I was dreaming about it then I woke up. Oh my gosh, so fucking rude damn it. DIEEEEEEE!

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4. Indiana

State visit wohooo!

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5. Lighthouses visit

My friend, who also happened to be an intern, planned this trip to visit the Lighthouses nearby Chicagoβ€”I’m not sure. Actually, there’s this CHI Squad that we created and the members are all interns from across the world. We kinda go together to different places when we had the chance. So now this trip, probably we’ll go the weekend after the run. Whew, my weekends are full!

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May

1. St. Louis, Missouri

Spending a 3-day vacay in that state doing sightseeing and camping with CHI Squad. πŸ™‚

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2. Washington, D.C.

If I’m qualified for the program, then I can go to the capital of the United States. *fingers-crossed*

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June

1. Duh, my birthday!

Seriously if you guys have any plans on staying here on the U.S. for more than a month, just make sure you’re not under 21 or else you’re gonna miss most of the funβ€”I mean if you’re aggressive like me.πŸ˜‚πŸ™„ SO FINALLY, I’m turning 21! Did you guys know about wearing a sash and a crown when turning 21? No? Well it’s a thing here, maybe I should do it lol. 😏

Bitch, that’s gonna be me when the bartender asks for my I.D.Kx0gwvQ

2. Niagara Falls

Still pending. But would it not be amazing to see the grand scenery of Niagara Falls?!

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3. Color Run

Haven’t bought tickets we’re still thinking about it. Psyched!

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July

1. Lollapalooza

It’s amazing how the tickets sold out fast. I had to wait for like two hours just to get past through the front gate and buy the tickets. But this is so far my most awaited event. I’m so ready! πŸ’πŸΌ

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2. Coldplay Concert

Sheen and I bought tix for their concert. We were aiming for a JB or Selena Gomez or Demi Lovato concert but the tickets were soaring and mostly were sold out anyway.  Let’s rock! Lol okay they’re not exactly a rock and roll band. πŸ˜‚ But hey, they’re not that bad.

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3. Foam Glow 5K

Another run. Hell yeah! Sheena and I are a serious runner. πŸ˜‚

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4. Las Vegas, Nevada

O.M.G. I’m 21 by that time! 😏 NYEHHEHHHEHEHHEHEHE 😈 Need I say more? And what’s great about us going there, it’s a company paid. There is this CPE convention that accountants should attend in Vegas but who says we’re required to attend that boring lecture? Lol hopefully boss won’t require us to attend the lecture and let me and Sheena wander around the Sin City. Also, there is going to be a night/ball event or something because it’s our boss’s wedding anniversary. Grand, I know!

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5. Page, Arizona

We might drive by the Antelope Canyon when we go to Las Vegas if we have chance.

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I’ll stop here for now. I remember it’s Monday tomorrow. Good night guys!

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Disclaimer: Gifs aren’t mine. 

 

Day 1 of 366

I officially welcome 2016. Happy New Year from Chicago! I can’t stressed enough how grateful I amΒ for 2015. I have this two great things that happened this 2015. First, I graduated from my 4 year degree course and march at the age of 19. πŸ™‚ Second, six months after I packed my things and went to Chicago. Man, I’ve never been so happy.

No more resolutions lol it just doesn’t work for me. But I’ll try to beΒ more positive and keep looking forward to everyday. Carpe Diem,Β right?

So here’s to a new year…Keep dreaming and don’t stop justΒ because you think it’s impossible. Your actions are directed towards your dream so keep going darling cause you’re on the right track. Have a good one!

Tada

Funny how Β I thought it’d be easier to write something this time.

Yet here I am, I can’t even construct a paragraph.

I’ve been on my blog for like two hours and I just can’t say anything.

Yeah well, except this crap I’m saying now…

Have my mind gone blank?Β 

Oh okay, I’m just gonna say anything that comes up in my mind.

So, since my graduation, I haven’t really gone out to attend any parties or gatherings.

I’ve been totally avoiding the crowd as much as possible.

It’s not easy but I have to, okay?

Anyway, first day of April which means…

SUMMER.

Okay bye.

 

What Is Going On?Β 

Pretending so much to be happy when I’m rotting on the inside. I don’t know what it is that I’m still asking for. I mean I already heard the good news and that alone should make me jump and scream of happiness. But no, instead I feel down. Maybe this is what they call graduation jitters. I’m scared for what’s ahead of me. I don’t see myself doing good in my life. I feel blank like uncertainty of what future holds.

Honestly though, I think I know the reason why I’m miserable at the moment. I just don’t want to admit it. But I’m fine, so much fine. So much that I could cry at any moment. I actually think there’s a lump stuck in my throat. I could be walking down the street and shed tears without any warning. I could be looking at the mirror smiling and crying at the same time yet no one will ever know it’s not tears of joy. I could look like I’m paying attention but I’m actually spacing out. Does that even sound like fine to anyone? πŸ˜‚ I’m going cray! 

I don’t want to be locked up in the house. My room isn’t exactly a therapeutic place either. I have dark orange curtains and a speaker that blares suicidal music so yeah it’s not helping. And I can’t go out at night just whenever and wherever I want. I’m not exactly a free bird. I mean I can be if I want to but the last time I did it, it was for someone and you know when someone doesn’t appreciate the risks that you do so you just stop bc you’re just human and it’s not like you’re asking something in return but a little love would be appreciated. But oh well, I’m done risking for a while. 😊

This is getting out of hand. 

I wish to disappear. 

Good night. 

Just Got Home

Hello! I’m starting to get really worried about my life here. I can’t seem to have a proper sleep every night. And all throughout the day, I resembled like a living zombie. Even now, as I’m typing this my eyes are starting to droop downwards and the weariness is now creeping inside me.  But I have to finish some things and yeah okay you may be wondering why I’m still here wasting my time instead of doing it na. I just get that feeling sometimes, you know, it makes me feel better after I’ve let my thoughts out. Even if it’s just a little comfort. πŸ˜‰ So anyway, today I had my three exams seven more to go. Hell yeah! Tomorrow another one and another for the next couple of days, I’ll be out of everyone’s way and be busy with requirements and stuff. I’m just hoping for everyone to pass this semester and be over with this. 

My eyeeees are starting to get really really…sorry cant think of anythingxto say dnow. Night*YAAAAAWN* that was the biggest yawn of my life. 

Just Droppin By!

Hello everyone! How’s life? Must be crazy, huh. Anyway, you guys must be lonely without me spewing words here and there! 😁 I know I’ve been gone far too long than necessary. But hey, I’m living a life!

So about me…Some quick update with my life. A month before my graduation and hopefully I’ll be able to join this coming March. A week before my Finals and tada I’m done with studying. Basically, my life is hell at the moment and I’m close to lose my shit. I am under pressure with my acads with all the requirements and stuff to finish before due. I’m just holding to that thought ‘konting kembot nalang’ and it will all be over. 😌 Hopefully, I get to join grad this March or else I don’t know, I might seriously breakdown if I don’t make it. Will update soon! Promise! 😘

Bye Bye January

Babush January! Hello Febraury! One month down for this year but SO MUCH has happened already! 😊 I swear January only lasted for like 5 minutes to me. Many things to remember for last month. Here are some of them:

β€’ Best time I’ve ever had with πŸ‘Ά
β€’ Roadtrips and Bloopers with the best people
β€’ Fruits and Takoyaki time with Tee
β€’ Late night getaway in Tapsi Terminal
β€’ Winning a bet against Busch 😏
β€’ Experiencing first legit interview πŸ˜–
β€’ Realizing it’s a small world afterall πŸ˜…
β€’ Meeting Jasz + CWC + Bob Marlin
β€’ Mind fucked moments with Tee (Bed peace!πŸ˜±πŸ˜‚)
β€’ Shisha sesh with them boys
β€’ That late awkward night πŸ˜†

πŸ˜†πŸ˜†πŸ˜†πŸ˜†πŸ˜†πŸ˜†

Twinnie

Went to Tapsi Terminal last night with πŸ‘†. Actually, I was already home earlier than I was supposed to but I was out again after an hour and a half. I was already on my PJ’s but not caring at all on anything that night, I just put on my jacket and changed into some decent shorts. Thank Heavens for Twinnie. The timing couldn’t be more perfect for both of us. I just knew I had to unwind and let it out. That was one hell of a night getaway. Marks the end of something for both of us. If anyone could see our faces that night, they would’ve think someone just died close to us. Both of our eyes were puffy. πŸ‘€ Funny how we thought we were having fun that time only to end the night tragically. πŸ’πŸ™πŸ‘―