Can Too Much Anticipation Kill?

I cannot wait for my application to be done with. I just got the tracking number to track my application just the other day, and I’ve been checking on it since then. I know it doesn’t make sense to worry and write things about this, but I am freaking out. I am sick, like literally, and all I could think about is if I’m approved or not. It’s been close to a month since I last worked out, which was crazy because I have been leaning more into meat and rice for the last couple of days. I’m not that worried yet about my weight, but I’m concerned a little bit about my health. I need to move and exercise more. But right now, I’m sick and exerting more effort won’t do any good for my body.

So I busy myself with cleaning my room, organizing my stuff, writing in my journal, revamping my blog and watching a bunch of tutorials. I should really start making that video on our La Union trip, but I just don’t get that inspiration yet. All of the videos I made were made out of sheer inspiration if that makes sense. I don’t like ‘trying’ to make a video. I do it when I want to and I feel like doing it. I don’t do it for the sake just to have a video coming out of a trip.

I think there are things that I wanted to share and do right now, but something is holding me back. And that’s the fear of not being able to get a student permit. I kinda feel everything is put on hold before the decision and that I could only resume my normal life once it has been decided.

If you’ve been reading my previous posts about me having that inner peace, well that’s not true anymore. HAHAHA. Who am I kidding? I’m not at peace, yo! I can’t even do the one thing that I’m good at and that’s sleeping early. Now, I can’t do that. 12 am is usually when drowsiness hits me and that’s not even good for my low blood pressure. Anyhow, I still have a month to wait. AND THIS IS KILLING ME, YOU THINK?!

xoxo,

glaire 😦

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Before And After Me

I used to love going out like A LOT.  And by that I meant drinking til I’m passed out drunk, going home past 12am, doing hella crazy stuff or YOLO for short. People who know me back in college can easily pinpoint me as one of those gals who is down for anything crazy and illegal. I don’t do drugs or anything major like that but more subtle things like drunk driving or anything alcohol-involved. I wasn’t always like that though…

Back before I became so open-minded and liberal-kinda, I was this geek girl who was a KPOP, JPOP, Kdrama, Jdrama, anything international-language-that-you-can’t-even-pronounce drama fan. I was this student who participated in Sudoko challenges in school. I even joined the Rubik’s cube challenge back in college with no friends to support me because my interests were too odd for them. I lost in round one though, but it didn’t matter because I felt fulfilled trying my best. I WAS THAT SIMPLE GIRL. Literally. I remember in my first year of college, I only had four or five t-shirts and two pairs of pants to wear at school. Everything I had was oversized shirts except for this one blue- striped blouse that I bought before school started. I was wearing it every week it became impossible for every single one of my block mates to have missed. How’d I know? A few years later, one of them confessed she could still draw that blouse by heart. See? I was this home-to-school school-to-home girl. But then life got in the way and decided to revamped my life. I started hanging out after class more. I learned how to wear skinny jeans. I got conscious and decided that three cups of rice per meal was more than a mortal sin. Although, I allowed it on my menstrual periods because damn girl give me some slack! Thinking about it now, I did became another person. I didn’t realize it back then because I was too preoccupied with the changes happening to me. My mom got pretty upset of what was happening and then the confused little girl inside me threw a tantrum and did bad things. You know, usual stories about good girl gone bad.

When it became too much, I begged my mom to get me out of the country. I was then in the U.S. for a year. Got what I finally wanted and learned to love myself again. I found myself beginning to return to who I was before. Even though, I couldn’t be the perfect replica of my older version I can say I have improved a lot for the better. Despite all of the hardship, I am very thankful for the lessons and experiences. I wouldn’t be me now if it weren’t for those.

But then, I came home late last year and got pretty depressed for a couple of months. Maybe because reality hit me again. My indecisive self could not keep up with things. Nowadays, I don’t hang out with my friends because I feel like I’m lagging behind them. I feel we have this friendship gap probably because I was absent for a year or I’m not in the same stage as them anymore. Also, the usual family dramas keeps on hunting me everyday. It’s sad and it did get into me. I almost fell into my bad habits. Almost. Instead, I chose the path that I didn’t choose before. I dealt it with positivity. I very much thank God because every single time that I almost did something bad, something will happen that won’t made me do it. It wasn’t just once but many times. It’s as if a sign from the universe not to give in to temptations. And I’m very thankful for that. Thankful for the never ending support and guidance from my family and God.

Now, I feel better than I have felt in years. Not just temporary happiness that you feel when you bought a new toy and the next day you’re like meh but that peace you know is lingering inside you no matter what stroke of bad luck you may encounter. I know this may not last. Nothing is. But for now, I am choosing to embrace this and be better as long as I can. Who knows? I may be eating my words in a few months but for now I am just really happy I got to have the chance to feel light and at peace again.

Xoxo,

G

Loud Mind of Mine

My cute ass was dragged all weekday for IELTS review last week, and as if that weren’t enough, I had to speak in front of everyone every damn day. It was the speaking module week, that’s why. I just got so nervous without any warning and I usually can’t speak straight when I’m scared! I kept trying to shake off the uneasiness by thinking about funny or good memories but it was no help. Really, the more I tried the more it worsened.

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Just earlier, I asked a friend a question that resulted to a misunderstanding between us. What happened was that friend replied something stupid to my question making me feel like a fool. And now I’m hurt that’s why, I’m drawing away my attention to anything that won’t trigger my mind to remember the incident.

So today I find myself asking what is a good distraction from things I don’t want to think?

After a thought…

All I can think about is I’m crazy to assume that any diversion would work. I realize I probably just have to face it head-on and give myself a break. Well, how about just speaking freely not caring about possible mistakes or just letting myself stutter until I can finally fucking deliver it clearly? Like why worry about that friend when I know it wouldn’t be a freakin’ lost if I lose that one person? I mean just do your thing and stop worrying, self.

It makes sense, right? I can’t worry about everything all at once. There’s just so much to do and only hours in a day. Just one fucking thing at a time. If certain fate is meant to be yours, then what’s the rush? I know it is easier to say and realize all of these things than actually doing and applying it in life. But I think when you know what’s going on, you’ll actually find a way to make it right—well, at least you’ve made you’re first step to the lifeline.

Just Droppin By!

Hello everyone! How’s life? Must be crazy, huh. Anyway, you guys must be lonely without me spewing words here and there! 😁 I know I’ve been gone far too long than necessary. But hey, I’m living a life!

So about me…Some quick update with my life. A month before my graduation and hopefully I’ll be able to join this coming March. A week before my Finals and tada I’m done with studying. Basically, my life is hell at the moment and I’m close to lose my shit. I am under pressure with my acads with all the requirements and stuff to finish before due. I’m just holding to that thought ‘konting kembot nalang’ and it will all be over. 😌 Hopefully, I get to join grad this March or else I don’t know, I might seriously breakdown if I don’t make it. Will update soon! Promise! 😘

My Favorite Lines in WRE(Love,Rosie)

“What seems tragic now won’t even be an issue in a few years time.”

“You’re only 17. You and Alex have the rest of your lives to catch up together . . . After all, soul mates always end up together.

“Things are too perfect. It almost feels like the calm before the storm.”

“I’m over the moon of course but you know the saying, “If it ain’t broke don’t fix it.”

“Irreconcilable differences. Isn’t that what people always say?”

“It was a million little things that all finally blew up in their faces.”

“And who needs Paris, when you can get a hug?”

“If there’s any love there at all then you should work at it. Every small thing grows when you nurture it.”

“The men in my life may have let me down but the little girl in my life makes up for it every single day.”

“It’s nice to find a hobby, something that excites you and makes you look forward to the week ahead instead of constantly dreading days.”

“You have betrayed me at a time just as I had learned to fall in love with you all over again.”

“Life is far from perfect, for everyone.”

“I’ve discovered that no one, not even the big man upstairs has the slightest clue as to what’s going on.”

“You really are my moonbeam—guiding the way for me all the time.”

“Don’t be so pessimistic. Soul mates have a way of finding their way to each other.”

“It seems that every few years I’m shoveling up the pieces of my life and starting from scratch all over.”

“Marrying someone you don’t love is not right.”

“Home isn’t a place, it’s a feeling”

“You can put me with a guy that’s perfect in every way and too good to be true and I’m still not ready.”

“It doesn’t feel right to love the world and see such brightness when something so awful has happened”

“A bit of ink on her skin doesn’t tarnish the goodness or dim the brightness that shines from her”

“No. I have a shit job with shit pay, a shit flat with shit rent. I have no time for shit sex with a shit man”

“Well I’m not with the man for conversation am I?”

“Here we go, in a fortnight we’ll both be free.”

“Because if I don’t follow this feeling right now who nos where I will be twenty years on from now.”

“Today I love you more than ever; tomorrow I will love you even more. I need you more than ever; I want you more than ever”

Thoughts of a Tight-Lipped Girl

I called you today hoping to hear your voice but you didn’t pick-up the phone… I broke down crying ’cause I couldn’t take it no more.

I think about of getting lost but I just can’t make myself do it…too many people are giving me directions.

I thought they were permanent…but nothing is and that’s just sad.

I think about time and changes and friends…they don’t stop. Life doesn’t stop for anybody.

I imagine the things we did, the memories we made…and wonder if it’ll be the last time I’ll think about you.

Where were you? You said priorities…but damn if it was true.

My thoughts are eating me…that sometimes I wish I would forever live in them instead of harsh reality.

Wrong things happen when you trust and worry about the wrong people…and guess what? I was wrong about you.

‘Cheer up’ everybody said…if only it was easy as 123.

You don’t say it instead you do it…but I don’t know I’ve fallen to your words regardless.

I can’t wait to be happy again…and be me again.

I miss the old me, my old life, my old habits…I just miss the innocent me.

Do ya feel lucky, punk?…Luck can be good or bad. So which is which for me?

Those words…wonder if we meant it

Such a great day

Oh This…

I don’t like being pushed around or being told what to do. Especially not by someone I’m having a relationship with or anything close to that one. Like just who the hell do you think you are. I mean right, I got you into this but hell you don’t get to tell me what to do with myself or with us. And it pissed me off coz you think you do everything right and that I don’t. Well, if you’re that ambitionist in making or looking for someone your perfect type then go fuck off find somewhere else coz I’m sure as hell you’re not on the right track.

I hate to admit it but sure you do make me happy and giddy (ew). Tho I just really hate when you question everything. Like you don’t get to ask me whether I like you or not every time we talk. I’m so pressured by that I can’t think straight whenever you asked me.

Anyway, I guess I just don’t like you that much. Don’t get me wrong. I’m still up for that thing. I think I have an idea of what you really want but I don’t think I’m capable of being who you want and what you want. And sorrynotsorry but I’m not gonna change myself for you. Well maybe if I fall for you, I guess.

You Mad?

Don’t get mad at me na, okay? I was rude and all but trust me it wasn’t intentional(a little, maybe). I just don’t know if I should even believe you. But for whatever reason, I like the idea of you. There’s always this part of me that always say yes to you but my mind knows better. And please, don’t corner me with your questions. Can’t you just let things be? Like I’m not saying no right now and that I’m still figuring it out and we’ll just get to that later, ‘kay?

04.10.2014

Waiting for my dad to pick me up for school. 😀 Yesterday was a holiday so you know the feeling of coming back to school. And not to mention that it’s a summer class and that it’s supposed to be a summer vacation. But I’m not gonna whine much about this ’cause hopefully this is gonna be my last summer class for college before I graduate.

~ G