Good evening to you Thursday,
You’ve been pretty harsh to me today. You held the promise of finally making me feel better after the last midterm, but why is it that even hours after I got home from school I still feel so drained out and stressed? I feel so stressed actually. It could be because of a lot of things namely studying, working and breathing. How to destress? Oshiete kudasai. It’s a lot to take in being an international student. Maybe it’s just me because my classmates seem to have a bit of a fun in classes every now and then. Should I give up? Should I just keep going, then? But what if it doesn’t make me happy anymore? I’m confused. Does it not make me happy because I didn’t want what I was studying or just because I didn’t get my midterm? Would I say I feel alright if I got the midterm, then? What the fuck? Another day, yet another drama from me as always. I wonder how grown-ups figure it all out? Maybe they haven’t really figure shit out, right? They just go with the flow with life and see how it well turns out for them. If it doesn’t, well no one lives eternally to deal with it anyway. I don’t even know what’s up. Tomorrow, tomorrow…I made plans for tomorrow. I have to go to work as well. It’s nice to be busy. It makes me keep out of my pointless thoughts such as this one I’m writing. I can’t wait for things to be better. Oh yeah, now I remember why I decided to write tonight in the first place. On my way home tonight, I remembered I was feeling very much at peace just months ago. I even wrote that feeling down here. Having that thought, I let out a sudden sigh and asked myself. “Where did that moment go?”. It was just here! Now it’s nowhere to be found LOL. GOD HELP ME. I actually feel a little bit demotivated in making videos. I just couldn’t bring myself to pretend that everything was alright when things are not. But I know I need to get myself together. Don’t be such a pussy is something I would tell a friend if this were this situation. So yes, no time to feel sulky. But then again, it’s all just talk. I really am sad and confused right now.
I must have been born sad. I can’t keep up with happiness! That feeling when I’m happy all day and suddenly out of nowhere sadness would wash all over my soul and there’s no stopping it. Is this normal? Sometimes, I wonder if I’m the only person who can experience this. Maybe I just love being sad so much? Is that even possible? Now that I think about it, I love being confined to a small space. Not that it matters to my point, but maybe it has something to do with that. Hmmm, maybe I really was born like this. Is there any way out of this? Don’t get me wrong. I love myself. I feel so blessed. I feel so loved. But I don’t like being sad like this. Not when I don’t know the reason behind my sudden change of mood. I know being sad is sometimes needed in our lives. But in my case, is this really healthy? Will this ever go away? Will this ever hinder me from my true happiness? What is true happiness really? Sigh. Too many questions drowning my head right now.
“In the end, I’m going to be all right” is a thought that I always hold onto. Some might say I’m living my life to the fullest. I am, actually. And I couldn’t be more grateful to everyone, especially God. But I think I’m entitled to feel sad at times and vent at something like this. It’s not like I go around and announce, “Hey, I’m sad. May you be sad as well!” No, not at all. For what it’s worth, I think I give an opposite vibe to everyone else. Well, except my sestra. Sestra knows me too well when there’s something wrong with me.
I missed writing. Glad to be able to talk to you guys again.
As you may know, I have been waiting for my visa decision to come. And it finally came last Thursday. I GOT APPROVAL OF MY STUDENT PERMIT IN CANADA! Wohoooo. The reason I didn’t post it as soon as I got the word is that I was too happy and emotional to do anything else besides BEING HAPPY lol. I literally shouted and cried when I heard the news. It was given to me by Ms. Karen, my visa coordinator.
The very next day I found out that I’m going to Canada, I bought a one-way ticket. I’ll be leaving next month. My summer term won’t start until the month of May, but I want to be able to adjust weeks before my class starts. Besides, I have to settle some things first like my social security number, bank account, and other important stuff.
I feel so blessed that this moment has finally come. I never actually thought about getting it in the first place, I guess, which I know is a total wrong mind set to have. But like I said, I had been down that road before of waiting and being rejected and I was just afraid of getting my hopes up ever again. But I got! I got it. I got it.
Thank you for those who never lose their faith in me. I love you all.
A quick Sunday realization…
Today I wrote on my notebook diary and it was mostly an update about what happened the last few days. I was quite surprised to have found myself saying positive thoughts of life despite the hardship that I am facing. I like the person I have become over the last months and I wouldn’t certainly be in a good place if it weren’t for the unfortunate and fortunate circumstances that contribute to where I am right now. So, I am mostly grateful for the bad things that had happened to me over the past months bc it made me stronger and realize my worth. I just feel different this time, I don’t quite know how to explain it. Just that I like this present me than the old version of me.
For my readers, have a blessed Sunday and be grateful for today.
My cute ass was dragged all weekday for IELTS review last week, and as if that weren’t enough, I had to speak in front of everyone every damn day. It was the speaking module week, that’s why. I just got so nervous without any warning and I usually can’t speak straight when I’m scared! I kept trying to shake off the uneasiness by thinking about funny or good memories but it was no help. Really, the more I tried the more it worsened.
Just earlier, I asked a friend a question that resulted to a misunderstanding between us. What happened was that friend replied something stupid to my question making me feel like a fool. And now I’m hurt that’s why, I’m drawing away my attention to anything that won’t trigger my mind to remember the incident.
So today I find myself asking what is a good distraction from things I don’t want to think?
After a thought…
All I can think about is I’m crazy to assume that any diversion would work. I realize I probably just have to face it head-on and give myself a break. Well, how about just speaking freely not caring about possible mistakes or just letting myself stutter until I can finally fucking deliver it clearly? Like why worry about that friend when I know it wouldn’t be a freakin’ lost if I lose that one person? I mean just do your thing and stop worrying, self.
It makes sense, right? I can’t worry about everything all at once. There’s just so much to do and only hours in a day. Just one fucking thing at a time. If certain fate is meant to be yours, then what’s the rush? I know it is easier to say and realize all of these things than actually doing and applying it in life. But I think when you know what’s going on, you’ll actually find a way to make it right—well, at least you’ve made you’re first step to the lifeline.
You know I sometimes spend my time reading life and love quotes and finding myself falling deeply in love with the moment. Then, I would argue to myself how just reading it makes me feel amazing; how much more in real life,right? I would feel so hopeful about love at the same time so sad I’d cry. But then just right after I’m done reading all the sappy quotes, all the drama and dreamy emotions die w/ the moment too. The same feeling you get when you try to remember the dream you’ve had the other night—the more you try to chase the memory the more it goes away. That exact feeling. And somehow, it’s sad for me that I can’t even hold on to that sentiment. I feel hopeless, whenever.
I was exactly fine 24 hours ago. I don’t know what and when it went wrong. All I can think of is how people disappoint me. No matter how good you are to them, they will always bring you down.
“They wanna see you do good, but never better than them. Remember that.”
Or maybe it’s just my PMS again. I don’t know.
Weirdest thing today is happening. My music’s on shuffle play and every song playing reminds me of him. I mean it’s like my damn phone knows exactly where to hit me.
Anyhow, I wanna start this thing called 100 Happy Days—it’s an eon thing I know haha. I won’t be doing the exact thing but maybe just write stuff about everyday. I was thinking maybe I won’t have titles like Day 1…Day 100, you know, cause that’s too mainstream. I will put those on my tags tho—you can see them at the left side of every post—for me to at least keep track of the days left. At the same time it will be my countdown until my last day here in Chicago. So expect to see me posting random shits here everyday lol.
259 til I say good bye to the city of Chi. But who’s counting? 🙂
Btw, I am totally pms-ing! I hate it. 😦 I am feeling a whole lot things today!!! Ugh.
Everyone’s been busy. People are going out-of-town to escape this VERY MUCH familiar place. They’re getting jobs and living the dream WHILE I… I get to wake up early everyday and go to my dad’s office and do the same thing everyday. I know what you’re thinking that I’m being given extra credit for being the boss’s daughter well ha ha ha ha cause you are very much wrong about that. But whatever, I just wanna get the hell outta this place. I honestly want to go and leave everyone behind. I know how selfish this may sound but I want to spend some time alone and I don’t care how much they would miss me. I just want to be away. It’s like everyone keeps telling me to change my habits and all but I’m like how can I ever change if I’m breathing the same polluted air. I need to get out of this dirty bubble and find another healthy one. It’s going to be hard but I’m willing to take my chance. It’s just that no matter how hard I try at the end of the day, I’m always back to square one. Nothing good accomplished. So please just let me go. Let me live my life.
Go on tell me I’m always whining! 😒 This isn’t your blog so if you want your opinion expressed, go home and create your own journal. Whatever. Ugh. Me is pissed. I need to be early tomorrow! I blame tonight’s flashes of lightning. I seem to be imagining that they’d be no work for tomorrow. But who am I kidding, right? 😂
All right! Bye already! 😒
I am totally nervous about something today. Definitely about something! Why would I be so bothered, right? Unless, it’s the coffee I drank this morning though I doubt that alone should make me feel this jitter.
Oh no, oh no, I need a break. 😖
I called you today hoping to hear your voice but you didn’t pick-up the phone… I broke down crying ’cause I couldn’t take it no more.
I think about of getting lost but I just can’t make myself do it…too many people are giving me directions.
I thought they were permanent…but nothing is and that’s just sad.
I think about time and changes and friends…they don’t stop. Life doesn’t stop for anybody.
I imagine the things we did, the memories we made…and wonder if it’ll be the last time I’ll think about you.
Where were you? You said priorities…but damn if it was true.
My thoughts are eating me…that sometimes I wish I would forever live in them instead of harsh reality.
Wrong things happen when you trust and worry about the wrong people…and guess what? I was wrong about you.
‘Cheer up’ everybody said…if only it was easy as 123.
You don’t say it instead you do it…but I don’t know I’ve fallen to your words regardless.
I can’t wait to be happy again…and be me again.
I miss the old me, my old life, my old habits…I just miss the innocent me.
Do ya feel lucky, punk?…Luck can be good or bad. So which is which for me?
Those words…wonder if we meant it
Such a great day
Waiting for my dad to pick me up for school. 😀 Yesterday was a holiday so you know the feeling of coming back to school. And not to mention that it’s a summer class and that it’s supposed to be a summer vacation. But I’m not gonna whine much about this ’cause hopefully this is gonna be my last summer class for college before I graduate.
They say no single two people in the world are platonic. Do you really believe that? Because I don’t. Maybe I’m talking about it one-sidedly.
But whatever. Maybe I’m talking about a different degree of love.
My point is, there’s always more to love than romance.
Nothing is more depressing than losing a great friend.
Uggh. Sorry about this one. I’m probably not making any sense whatsoever.