When It Starts to Hit You Hard

I’m in the middle of the summer break. Not a very long one, but still very much grateful for any kind of short break I could get these days. Besides having short hours of work, which btw means short on cash, my life on break consist mainly of me staying in, editing videos, doing the manual labor of laundry since our washing machine is not working, and lastly the occasional struggle of I-wanna-hang-out-w/-them-but-my-bed-feels-too-good. So basically, that’s what I have been up to the last seven days.

Last night, I had to force myself out of the house and join my friends on a fair called PNE at Vancouver. It basically consists of different events such as concerts, rides, and even museum for kids. We went there for a specific reason and that is to watch 98 degrees live. If you have no idea who are they, then you’re probably way too young to know them. They were widely known as a band back in the 90’s playing R&B music. But honestly, I don’t know much of their songs—I only recognized their super famous songs—because I was only born when they debuted.

So you probably know their famous song I Do (Cherish You). I actually wasn’t familiar with the title at first, but the moment I read the title, I automatically sang it in my mind. Then I thought, I know this! So this was sung by them. That was mainly the song I knew and then I have maybe two other songs that were quite familiar—but not enough for me to sing along with the crowd.

The show starts at 8:30 pm, but we got inside the PNE at 6 pm. I was shocked to see the long queue for the general admission. It’s free, so it’s a bit expected. But nevertheless, still shocked that many people would actually be attending. But hey, I was underestimating the power of older generations. No offense tho, I’m one of them. It was an open-air concert. My friends and I settled inside the concert venue an hour early and seated at the top left part of the crowd. I was observing what kind of audience were coming in: age and ethnicity wise. And I felt a sense of connection with these people because most of them were definitely older than me and I know they’ve been listening to 98 degree’s hits growing up. I may not have the same strong liking of their music, but somehow, I know I was part of that time back then. While searching the crowd, my mind was taken back to the times when some old song would play on the radio and my parents would proudly and dreamily tell us how that song reminded them of their childhood. Back then, I would just nod and smile at them like I know how they’re feeling. Now looking around at the crowd, I understood what my parents were actually talking about. I’m becoming a part of the older generations and that there are younger ones who may find the 98 degree’s coordinate dance moves a bit tacky.

The concert started and they started playing their hits—some of them I know, some of them I had no idea. But the best part was, they didn’t just sing their own songs but also sang other 90’s and early 20’s hits for us. It was so amazing and I felt very proud and nostalgic. I thought at that time, no one could enjoy this better than the ones who have been living our times. There’s so much sense of pride that washed over me that night.

When I think about it, I really am not getting any younger. There’s already a new generation after me. I’m starting to see myself in them and say, “Ha, I was not that mischievous when I was her age.” Like I can hear my mom telling me the same thing haha. It’s not our prime time anymore—not to sound too dramatic. It’s funny, you don’t ever feel like the talk of the town not after you’re not anymore.

All of these are not a bad thing, of course. It just means that life continues just like how it’s been since the beginning of the time. We do our thing in our own time and phasing. And it got me thinking about my transitioning in this life. I know I haven’t been the most decisive person ever, but I feel like it’s an accomplishment somehow that I’m thinking about my life now. It’s better late than never. Twenty-four and counting and I’m looking forward to life ahead of me. I want to live my life the way I want it to be. I feel blessed enough to have people around me who supports me financially and emotionally. Growing up, I am starting to understand people struggle in their own ways. I stopped comparing and saying such thing as, buti pa siya ganito ganyan.

I still got a long way to go in this life. Laban lang.

Love lots,

Gee

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2019 Goals

Hey stranger, so I know this may seem a bit cliché. And let me tell you, it is cliché but I’m doing it anyway 🙂

1. Read More Books

Okay, so this one I need to take priority!!!! I’ve been neglecting reading for almost 2 years now. I used to love reading books. I think I still love reading books. The only difference is that I don’t find the time to read now, that’s why I’m making it a top priority for 2019 to finally get back to the reading game and finally improving my English again.

    2. Create a New Blog

Trust me when I say I’ve created multiples of blogs for myself. Maybe 5-8 already? But this time, Imma make it really legit and simple. I wanna start doing more. I wanna achieve and show more with this new website that I will make. Wait and see, I’ll make it! 🙂

    3. More Skin Care Less Make Up

Although this has been the case for years, I want to give more attention to my skin next year. I want to be able to really achieve what I want. Try to eat healthy foods and take care of my skin religiously is the way to go.

    4. EXERCISE. FOR. FUCKS. SAKE.

Come on, I need to exercise for fucks sake. I think exercise is one of the most New Year’s Resolutions of people. And even so, that’s one of mine too. Haha. Seriously, I need to get back on track. I miss MMA. I miss boxing. I miss running. Let’s not be such a lazy bum and actually do it, all right?

This my friend, believe it or not, will help me in achieving all of this things. Thoughts grow into reality, never heard of that? List what you wanna happen and trust me, you’ll be on the right track. You’re welcome! 😉

Yet Another Day

Good evening to you Thursday,

You’ve been pretty harsh to me today. You held the promise of finally making me feel better after the last midterm, but why is it that even hours after I got home from school I still feel so drained out and stressed? I feel so stressed actually. It could be because of a lot of things namely studying, working and breathing. How to destress? Oshiete kudasai. It’s a lot to take in being an international student. Maybe it’s just me because my classmates seem to have a bit of a fun in classes every now and then. Should I give up? Should I just keep going, then? But what if it doesn’t make me happy anymore? I’m confused. Does it not make me happy because I didn’t want what I was studying or just because I didn’t get my midterm? Would I say I feel alright if I got the midterm, then? What the fuck? Another day, yet another drama from me as always. I wonder how grown-ups figure it all out? Maybe they haven’t really figure shit out, right? They just go with the flow with life and see how it well turns out for them. If it doesn’t, well no one lives eternally to deal with it anyway. I don’t even know what’s up. Tomorrow, tomorrow…I made plans for tomorrow. I have to go to work as well. It’s nice to be busy. It makes me keep out of my pointless thoughts such as this one I’m writing. I can’t wait for things to be better. Oh yeah, now I remember why I decided to write tonight in the first place. On my way home tonight, I remembered I was feeling very much at peace just months ago. I even wrote that feeling down here. Having that thought, I let out a sudden sigh and asked myself. “Where did that moment go?”. It was just here! Now it’s nowhere to be found LOL. GOD HELP ME. I actually feel a little bit demotivated in making videos. I just couldn’t bring myself to pretend that everything was alright when things are not. But I know I need to get myself together. Don’t be such a pussy is something I would tell a friend if this were this situation. So yes, no time to feel sulky. But then again, it’s all just talk. I really am sad and confused right now.

It’s Gonna Get Better, But It’s Taking Forever

I must have been born sad. I can’t keep up with happiness! That feeling when I’m happy all day and suddenly out of nowhere sadness would wash all over my soul and there’s no stopping it. Is this normal? Sometimes, I wonder if I’m the only person who can experience this. Maybe I just love being sad so much? Is that even possible? Now that I think about it, I love being confined to a small space. Not that it matters to my point, but maybe it has something to do with that. Hmmm, maybe I really was born like this. Is there any way out of this? Don’t get me wrong. I love myself. I feel so blessed. I feel so loved. But I don’t like being sad like this. Not when I don’t know the reason behind my sudden change of mood. I know being sad is sometimes needed in our lives. But in my case, is this really healthy? Will this ever go away? Will this ever hinder me from my true happiness? What is true happiness really? Sigh. Too many questions drowning my head right now.

“In the end, I’m going to be all right” is a thought that I always hold onto. Some might say I’m living my life to the fullest. I am, actually. And I couldn’t be more grateful to everyone, especially God. But I think I’m entitled to feel sad at times and vent at something like this. It’s not like I go around and announce, “Hey, I’m sad. May you be sad as well!” No, not at all. For what it’s worth, I think I give an opposite vibe to everyone else. Well, except my sestra. Sestra knows me too well when there’s something wrong with me.

I missed writing. Glad to be able to talk to you guys again.

Don’t Mind Me. I’m Just Being a Little Too Emotional

Birthday jitters still in my system. But wait, is there even such thing as birthday jitters? Lol. Whatever. It’s currently 11:48 PM and I’m still wide awake. One thing that has changed since I came here in Canada for sure is that I always sleep late. Goodbye 9 PM bedtime. Even if I wanted to sleep at 9 PM, the sun is still out at that time, who can ever sleep with the sun still out?! I’m still quite surprised by my capability of staying this late, ya know. Usually at this late of time, my eyes would be all droopy but nooo. So weird and fun at the same time. I feel so rebellious, actually. I think this is the start of developing my under-eye bags. Eww. But it can’t be help, right? Not unless I really forced myself to sleep, which is what I do sometimes. But see, I come home from school around 8:30 PM. Then, I still have to eat my dinner, talk to my mom, and do my own stuff. So really, it’s not that easy to just force myself to sleep.

And you know what? I just realized how comfortable I am in writing in my blog. It feels so good to let out these frustrations. I know I haven’t been active here or in any other social media because I have been very busy with adjusting and everything, especially with school stuff. There’s really always that one subject that act like they’re the only subject in the world. It annoys the hell out of me, but at the same time, I’m challenged because I haven’t been this busy in a long time. It’s actually fun to be getting annoyed because you’re too busy, right? Hehe. Whatever. But yeah, I don’t even know what I was supposed to talk about. I get distracted so easily. Basically, I just write whatever comes into my mind. No plot or anything like that.

Work. I need to talk about that. Not sure if I have been sharing stuff about my what’s happening with my work. Okay, so I work in a kitchen. Basically, I work in a grocery store. Kinda like what I do in our business back in the Philippines, so the experience is not a total surprise for me. But what makes it really scary is because I have to learn every corner of the kitchen: making a salad, pizza, sushi, coffee and chicken wings. Crazy, right? Frankly, on my first 2 shifts, I almost quit. I was like, “I don’t like this job. I don’t think working in a kitchen is my calling or whatever.” But I virtually hit myself with my nagging. Haha. I told myself to stop being such a baby and just do the job. And now, I am happy I stayed. It’s funny and very interesting. On my second day, I was asked to make pizzas for the opening. I was dumbfounded. I said I didn’t know how to make a pizza. They just let me do everything by myself. I had no idea how I did it, but I did it anyway. And thinking about what I could do is what makes me keep going in this job. It’s not about what kind of specific job I do, but it’s about proving to myself that I am down to anything in this life and that there’s nothing I can’t learn if I put my heart in it. But mostly, I am assigned in the cashier area. So, I make coffees and deal with the customers firsthand. It’s nerve-wracking ’cause most customers are seniors and I get to deal with mostly very meticulous old ladies. It’s scary as hell, but oh well, it’s not gonna kill me to try and just put myself out there, right? This being a working-student has me earned the respect of all the students out there who have been doing this for so long. Because I am telling you, it is not easy to juggle studies and work! Huhuhuhu!

Oh wow, it’s past midnight now. I still have work tomorrow for 8 hours. Good luck to me. And did I mention, I have 700 papers due for the coming days? Good night, you guys.

Thanks for making it this far. I rant too much. I talk too much. But I love you so much for making it this far!

Mwa,

Gureru ♡

June Baby

In the midst of busy schedules and hundreds of homework given, I still have the luxury to space out and feel crazy stupid happy for every once in a while now. It’s nice to feel appreciated and loved by the people around us, right? It’s that season in my life again where every love song makes sense and makes me smile like crazy.

I never thought it’d come to me. But really, who ever expects love to come their way? So, this is what people feel like when they are deeply infatuated with someone. I feel like everything is possible and everything is under my spell, ya know what I mean?—you probably won’t know what I’m talking about! But yeah, I’m probably going to talk about things I can only relate from now on. Hihi.

Anyway, midterm one is finally over! I can take a little breather now. And guys, my birthday is coming up next week. I am so excited. I’m probably the only adult who loves celebrating birthdays. I love getting old, but my mom told me I would be saying otherwise when I turned in my late 20’s. Oh well, we’ll see about that! Joe and I plan to get to the city and explore it a little bit with the bad weather. We originally planned to hike, but due to the bad weather forecast on that day, we’ll just see what the Great Vancity has to offer to this birthday girl.

How is everyone doing these days? I hope you’re feeling inspired and happy like me!

xoxo,

G

7th Heaven

Seven-day countdown before I leave for Canada. I’m not sure how long I’ll be there. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to visit the Philippines at least once a year, but maybe it’s not such a bad idea not to. Except, I won’t see my baby sister. She’s the most precious little thing for me right now in my life. And if there could be any reason for me not go is that of her. But I got to do what I got to do. 😟

Even though I know I have little time left here, it still hasn’t entirely dawned on me yet that I will be starting my life again somewhere. I visited a relative today and she said to me, “Aren’t you scared of doing it alone?” I just said, “Not really” which is true. No one can actually be prepared for this kind of thing. I just got to dive head first and act like I know what I’m doing to survive.

I’m excited again to get lost in an unfamiliar city, meet strangers and learn its history. But most of all, to figure life along the way. How lucky I am to be able to find myself while enjoying myself at the same time.

Seven more days to go,

See you, Canada.

xx

A Memory I’ll Miss

I positioned myself where I could both hear and see what everybody else is doing. I am having a great day so far. It’s 3 PM and they’re in the middle of fishing some tilapias while I retreat myself in a secluded corner where I can write my thoughts. Today, I came to visit grandmother in Tigaon, a more province place than where I live. Growing up in this town makes me appreciate the simple life and understand the simple ways of life.

Earlier, I walked my bare feet on the soil to get some fresh eggs to the farm. I shrieked loudly like some sassy city girl when my foot submerged to the mud knee-high. It was too late for me to turn back and so I moved forward. It was another humbling experience for me. My uncle has a pool that is 5 feet high. My brother, sister and I ended up cleaning and brushing the pool because we plan on using it. It was so fun exerting such hard work together with them. I will definitely miss this.

This moment is so rare that we’re complete together. Now that we’re growing up, the chances of us getting all complete in one place are thinning. And so, I cherish every moment I get with them that’s why I decided to write down this moment. I always want to take a break from everything that’s happening because I would want this to be remembered forever or even etched somewhere in a writing or a picture. Now, I have to get back and live this moment with them.

I thank you for your precious time for reading this.

Always grateful,

Glaire

Hear The Great News!

Hello, everyone!

As you may know, I have been waiting for my visa decision to come. And it finally came last Thursday. I GOT APPROVAL OF MY STUDENT PERMIT IN CANADA! Wohoooo. The reason I didn’t post it as soon as I got the word is that I was too happy and emotional to do anything else besides BEING HAPPY lol. I literally shouted and cried when I heard the news. It was given to me by Ms. Karen, my visa coordinator.

The very next day I found out that I’m going to Canada, I bought a one-way ticket. I’ll be leaving next month. My summer term won’t start until the month of May, but I want to be able to adjust weeks before my class starts. Besides, I have to settle some things first like my social security number, bank account, and other important stuff.

I feel so blessed that this moment has finally come. I never actually thought about getting it in the first place, I guess, which I know is a total wrong mind set to have. But like I said, I had been down that road before of waiting and being rejected and I was just afraid of getting my hopes up ever again. But I got! I got it. I got it.
Thank you for those who never lose their faith in me. I love you all.

xoxo,

G

happy kiddo ^__^

I’m proud and earning. LOL. It’s not much but it’s definitely making me want to wake up early every morning. It’s like, finally! Looking forward to a work that I definitely enjoy. Hehe. I’m a blessed kid. I just am.

I can’t wait to see my brother later. He’s coming home with us to celebrate the holidays. I can feel mother’s excitement this far.

Alrighty. Talk to you guys tomorrow.

G

12.03.17

A quick Sunday realization…

Today I wrote on my notebook diary and it was mostly an update about what happened the last few days. I was quite surprised to have found myself saying positive thoughts of life despite the hardship that I am facing. I like the person I have become over the last months and I wouldn’t certainly be in a good place if it weren’t for the unfortunate and fortunate circumstances that contribute to where I am right now. So, I am mostly grateful for the bad things that had happened to me over the past months bc it made me stronger and realize my worth. I just feel different this time, I don’t quite know how to explain it. Just that I like this present me than the old version of me.

For my readers, have a blessed Sunday and be grateful for today.

As Friends or As Lovers?

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In life, it’s seldom we found someone who gets us. Someone who we instantly love the moment we meet them. It’s such a rare occasion that when that certain person comes, we grab them and make sure they feel safe and loved. In most cases, people expect this to advance into some kind of romantic intimacy—which is ridiculous, really. On the other hand, it may lead to a long-life friendship. So let me throw a question, if you meet someone who really gets your vibe and interests in life, what kind of relationship would your inner-self choose to have with that someone—as a friend or a lover? It’s a tricky question, I know. The answer gets complicated the more you think about it. Ha.

My answer? I always go for friendship. But isn’t that always the case or mostly how it is for everyone? I mean, doesn’t a relationship begins at something before being lovers? And there’s nothing quite like how we, Millennials, deal with being in a ‘relationship’. There are even the so-called stages of relationship amongst 20-somethings that start out as being friends > talking stage > friends with benefits > hooking up > dating > exclusivity/to being lover. It’s one hella ride  for young people to be in love, nowadays. No wonder Millennials are tagged to be the worst generation and no doubt about how older generations are laughing at us right now.

Having a fair share of my being part of the Millennial generation, I’ve experienced this roller coaster ride of being in a relationship myself. The one thing I can say is it’s just not for me. I might have done it wrong but I’ve had enough for now. I’ll choose friendship over love not because it will be the safe choice but because I’ve been there done thatrelationship thing and now I know better than to risk any good friendship with love. I’m not saying I’m all closed door for finding love but it’s not something that I am expecting to come in my life anytime soon. Setting my mind to that note, it keeps me from jumping to conclusions and expecting to find love in every guy that I meet. At the same time, without the expectations of any kind, it lets me create a deeper connection with someone I truly find interesting. It’s like I don’t have to worry about being the perfect girl because who’s judging, right? 🙂 No one but a good friend of mine.

Lovers just take it to different level, you know? Sure, there’s no doubt about how colorful our lives when they are there. No one can actually make us feel the same way that they do to us. It’s magical and how we wish it would never end. But have you had any relationship with someone that it ended badly, but then you realize you were so good together as friends than lovers, that you wish you could turn back time and just be friends instead? It’s a shame, isn’t it? Makes you regret just enough to wish for things to go back to the way you were as friends. That’s why I’ll always choose friendship over love.

Some people ask me what if you could have found your true happiness with that someone, but you settled as friends so you ended up throwing away the one shot deal? Honestly, I’m not worried. I’ve never been worried about missing my chances at being happy with someone because I know it’s not something that I could never find in myself. I produce my own sunshine and happiness. We all do! It’s on me to share it to other people. I never needed someone to make me feel whole because I am complete whether someone is holding my hand or not.

So what I need is a friend who knows me well, who’ll understand my tantrums and deal with it. Someone I can laugh with and share my stories with. A friend who I can talk whatever with no boundaries whatsoever. A friend who can be my plus one in parties and get drunk with. One who’ll ask me to a slow dance even with a pop music playing. A guy my parents can be comfortable with. Just someone who gets me. I have always believed that two opposite genders can have a platonic relationship. Being anything more than friends is just another label. What matters is the strong foundation and relationship I have with that person. If it turns out that my best friend is the one, wouldn’t that be great?! But if not, a best friend for life is not a loss love at all.

Choose carefully. And learn to love yourself.

xoxo,

G

I am Home! 🇵🇭

It’s been exactly two weeks…

Two weeks since I left the U.S. and arrived home. My mom and two siblings picked me up at the airport. I saw mom first and as soon as I did I cried her name not caring that we’re in the crowd! She did not change at all—same petite and small woman hugged me. We both went straight to the van waiting for us and I was greeted by my cutesy not so little sister at the door! Aww. So cute! She was standing right there with open arms while squealing mommy. I swear that was the moment that I had been waiting for so long. My brother, on the other hand, was sleeping at the back seat but was soon woken up by our noises. He looks chubby now. I guess college could really do that to anyone like it did to me. 😝

It was midnight by the time we reached at my brother’s dormitory so everyone just kind of fell asleep as soon we got settled. The next day, we left Manila and traveled to Bicol. 😁

I welcome myself to Maogmang Lugar! The town was bigger the last time I remember but now everything just looks different. It could be because of the new infrastructures and I couldn’t help but noticed there are a lot of cars! Like I mean, I am sure it wasn’t these much when I left but now it’s crazy! Imagine living in such a small town with so many cars 😓 CONGESTED TRAFFIC EVERYWHERE! Huhu

I visited my relatives and friends within the first week of my arrival and it was good to see them. 😺 Although it’s just been a year, I can say my little sister missed me the most! I spent most of my time now with her. I am her personal driver; I drop her off to school and pick her up. She just can’t be left without me by her side anymore!

My mom has been very sweet about everything. I really felt and still feel very welcome like I had been gone for so long. I feel like the son who returned in the story “The Prodigal Son”. She made sure that I have a new bed, curtains, shelves and other funny things that I don’t think are necessary 😹 Sweetest mother living on earth!

But still, I can’t wait to be back again in abroad. I just miss it, you know. I miss Chicago, my friends, Kumpi and I never though I would say this but I miss the cold weather. 🙁 And both of my parents are just supportive of me going back again and do whatever I want. This just makes me feel so blessed despite everything that’s been going on around. It’s like I have a total complete free will and all I got to do is move and decide—which I haven’t started doing yet. But like my mom said, one step at a time. After all, all I have right now is time. 

Oh well… We’ll see, won’t we? 😉

For now, I am enjoying my stay here and making the most out of it!

Adios!

Fat and Sad

I am so taking back what I said yesterday about writing everyday. I’m so freaking lazy lol. Last night, I talked to mom via Skype and she was like you’re so fat already and I was like I know I should just resort to using pills lol and she was like are you crazy. Hmm should I? I kennot. HUHUHU I blame the cruel weather in this windy city! I can’t even go out without my coat. In fact now that I think about it, I haven’t gone out without layers since I came here. I just keep telling myself today that tomorrow would be the last day of the week again. I can do this. I’m homesick too. 😦 I’m thinking of visiting my country this Summer but idk I’m not sure yet. *sigh*