Experience, Friends, Happy Thoughts

Before And After Me

I used to love going out like A LOT. ¬†And by that I meant drinking til I’m passed out drunk, going home past 12am, doing hella crazy stuff or YOLO for short. People who know me back in college can easily pinpoint me as one of those gals who is down for anything crazy and illegal. I don’t do drugs or anything major like that but more subtle things like drunk driving or anything alcohol-involved. I wasn’t always like that though…

Back before I became so open-minded and liberal-kinda, I was this geek girl who was a KPOP, JPOP, Kdrama, Jdrama, anything international-language-that-you-can’t-even-pronounce drama fan. I was this student who participated in Sudoko challenges in school. I even joined the Rubik’s cube challenge back in college with no friends to support me because my interests were too odd for them. I lost in round one though, but it didn’t matter because I felt fulfilled trying my best. I WAS THAT SIMPLE GIRL. Literally. I remember in my first year of college, I only had four or five t-shirts and two pairs of pants to wear at school. Everything I had was oversized shirts except for this one blue- striped blouse that I bought before school started. I was wearing it every week it became impossible for every single one of my block mates to have missed. How’d I know? A few years later, one of them confessed she could still draw that blouse by heart. See? I was this home-to-school school-to-home girl. But then life got in the way and decided to revamped my life. I started hanging out after class more. I learned how to wear skinny jeans. I got conscious and decided that three cups of rice per meal was more than a mortal sin. Although, I allowed it on my menstrual periods because damn girl give me some slack! Thinking about it now, I did became another person. I didn’t realize it back then because I was too preoccupied with the changes happening to me. My mom got pretty upset of what was happening and then the confused little girl inside me threw a tantrum and did bad things. You know, usual stories about good girl gone bad.

When it became too much, I begged my mom to get me out of the country. I was then in the U.S. for a year. Got what I finally wanted and learned to love myself again. I found myself beginning to return to who I was before. Even though, I couldn’t be the perfect replica of my older version I can say I have improved a lot for the better. Despite all of the hardship, I am very thankful for the lessons and experiences. I wouldn’t be me now if it weren’t for those.

But then, I came home late last year and got pretty depressed for a couple of months. Maybe because reality hit me again. My indecisive self could not keep up with things. Nowadays, I don’t hang out with my friends because I feel like I’m lagging behind them. I feel we have this friendship gap probably because I was absent for a year or I’m not in the same stage as them anymore. Also, the usual family dramas keeps on hunting me everyday. It’s sad and it did get into me. I almost fell into my bad habits. Almost. Instead, I chose the path that I didn’t choose before. I dealt it with positivity. I very much thank God because every single time that I almost did something bad, something will happen that won’t made me do it. It wasn’t just once but many times. It’s as if a sign from the universe not to give in to temptations. And I’m very thankful for that. Thankful for the never ending support and guidance from my family and God.

Now, I feel better than I have felt in years. Not just temporary happiness that you feel when you bought a new toy and the next day you’re like meh but that peace you know is lingering inside you no matter what stroke of bad luck you may encounter. I know this may not last. Nothing is. But for now, I am choosing to embrace this and be better as long as I can. Who knows? I may be eating my words in a few months but for now I am just really happy I got to have the chance to feel light and at peace again.

Xoxo,

G

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Everyday

Thoughts of a Tight-Lipped Girl

I called you today hoping to hear your voice but you didn’t pick-up the phone… I broke down crying ’cause I couldn’t take it no more.

I think about of getting lost but I just can’t make myself do it…too many people are giving me directions.

I thought they were permanent…but nothing is and that’s just sad.

I think about time and changes and friends…they don’t stop. Life doesn’t stop for anybody.

I imagine the things we did, the memories we made…and wonder if it’ll be the last time I’ll think about you.

Where were you? You said priorities…but damn if it was true.

My thoughts are eating me…that sometimes I wish I would forever live in them instead of harsh reality.

Wrong things happen when you trust and worry about the wrong people…and guess what? I was wrong about you.

‘Cheer up’ everybody said…if only it was easy as 123.

You don’t say it instead you do it…but I don’t know I’ve fallen to your words regardless.

I can’t wait to be happy again…and be me again.

I miss the old me, my old life, my old habits…I just miss the innocent me.

Do ya feel lucky, punk?…Luck can be good or bad. So which is which for me?

Those words…wonder if we meant it

Such a great day

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College, Dislike, Experience, Friends

It’s Just Not Right

I know there aren’t perfect ones here on earth. I also couldn’t judge them for what they are. They are just being who they are. But there are times that I couldn’t help it myself you know, like I’m a lioness in need to go out of its lair to release its rage and do the roaaaar!

I wanna shout in front of their faces and tell them that they’re not just right anymore or simply maybe a two word woud do, “FUCK OFF”. That whatever thing their doing has to stop.

Woosaa!

I do know my limits and when I don’t, I know when to say sorry. I know how to act civil, atleast that’s what I thought I am.

My point is!! I don’t know!

I’ve been really frustrated with how things are going right now. Bullshit here and there. Fights here and there. Screams here and there. Disappointments everywhere!

Why can’t I just accept that these things happen? They’re part of what’s supposed to be my LIFE. Well, maybe I’ve had enough!! Maybe it’s time, I punch LIFE and live a life. That doesn’t make sense, right? I know.

I know! Because nothing in my life make sense right now! Like what the hell am I talking about?

Just go to hell!

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