Pretending so much to be happy when I’m rotting on the inside. I don’t know what it is that I’m still asking for. I mean I already heard the good news and that alone should make me jump and scream of happiness. But no, instead I feel down. Maybe this is what they call graduation jitters. I’m scared for what’s ahead of me. I don’t see myself doing good in my life. I feel blank like uncertainty of what future holds.

Honestly though, I think I know the reason why I’m miserable at the moment. I just don’t want to admit it. But I’m fine, so much fine. So much that I could cry at any moment. I actually think there’s a lump stuck in my throat. I could be walking down the street and shed tears without any warning. I could be looking at the mirror smiling and crying at the same time yet no one will ever know it’s not tears of joy. I could look like I’m paying attention but I’m actually spacing out. Does that even sound like fine to anyone? 😂 I’m going cray! 

I don’t want to be locked up in the house. My room isn’t exactly a therapeutic place either. I have dark orange curtains and a speaker that blares suicidal music so yeah it’s not helping. And I can’t go out at night just whenever and wherever I want. I’m not exactly a free bird. I mean I can be if I want to but the last time I did it, it was for someone and you know when someone doesn’t appreciate the risks that you do so you just stop bc you’re just human and it’s not like you’re asking something in return but a little love would be appreciated. But oh well, I’m done risking for a while. 😊

This is getting out of hand. 

I wish to disappear. 

Good night.