I Would If I Could But I Can’t So I Won’t

Why do things have to go so bad, right? Why can’t we just have some consistency in life that we don’t have to adjust and everything? More often than not, life is unfair. I’m pretty sure a lot of people would attest to that one. Life isn’t some kind of a one-way lane for everyone. Instead, it’s all about those crazy intersections that turn green all at once. I honestly thought my life was perfect back when I was a kid. At that time, my perception was blinded by ideal fantasies of what life should be. Until one day, reality finally knocked on my door, tricked me into looking the other way and stabbed me in the back. Life became pretty tricky after that. It seemed like one day I have it all figured out and the next day, it gives me another whole set of challenges from some unknown dimension.

I know perfectly well that life is supposed to be this way, that it’s meant to be this hard and knotty. Because how else am I supposed to appreciate happiness without sadness, right? And so, I don’t even know why I’m still writing my angst and depression despite knowing that life isn’t supposed to be some kind of a fairytale with a happy ending. I’m just so caught up in my emotions right now. It’s all bottled up and I can’t even let it out. I feel like talking about it out loud would be some kind of way of acknowledging that it is happening. And I’m not ready to accept that reality yet, possibly never. I hope for change to come into my life soon that I can selfishly walk away from this and never have to face it. I take it that walking away to the problems won’t solve any of it. But in this case, if I could run away every time at every chance I get, I would.

xx,

gee

‘Tis The Season For Love ❤

5 more days until the hanging of stockings. I wish my Santa won’t be cheap this year. Hahaha I am just dropping by. I decided that I will be leaving a little realization every day until Christmas to talk about my learnings or just what I feel about. Also, taking a little bit break from all the work and stuff.

With the recent events, I’ve never been happy, motivated and excited in a very long time. I just wish that everyone is feeling the same thing that I do especially it’s Christmas season. No matter how cliché that sounds, ’tis the season for love, and we should all try to at least be happy and welcome the New Year with a good vibe. I know I wouldn’t have said it 3 years ago when I was feeling miserable and empty, but now I’m just very grateful it happened. It wasn’t exactly what I had been picturing when I was a kid on how I would be as an adult. It’s true, it has been a little bit bumpy on my journey—hell, most of the times, I was and still am just confused as to whether take a left or right—but no one ever claimed that life is a no-brainer. So there you go. I’m clinging to life as much as possible and making the most out of it. Haha I mean, I don’t know about making the most out of it for now. But I am at peace—at the moment, I guess—and I know a lot of people don’t have that, so I’m thankful.

Arigatou.

Ho Ho Ho,

Last Half Month of 2017

Hooray for finally making another blog update on this site. I may have been a little bit obsessed with some freelance work. And it’s all thanks to Saki! Thank you, haha!

Let’s see, 10 days before Christmas…Who’s getting excited?! I am not that hype up about it, though. I mean, the food is definitely something to look forward to but my fam isn’t too big on gift givings—and that’s just my main concern, really. But yes, all is good. Meanwhile, I didn’t enroll in MMA this month because I feel like I’d be wasting my money on this holiday season. You know how it is with the Filipinos and their holiday celebrations. The food, the bonding, the everything. One day just won’t suffice for it all so better save my precious money for next year. Also, I’ve been in contact with my agent again regarding with my visa documents. A few more requirements but I should be fine by next month. And of course, December won’t be complete y’all if it didn’t have a storm coming up on our country. So, everyone’s locked up in their houses because the weather is starting to get bad. No classes but hopefully it doesn’t get bad as last year because that’s just too much.

So there you go, a quickie update for y’all. I hope you guys are having an awesome day night or whatever! 🙂 Stay safe and dry! Love ya. 🙂

xoxo,

12.03.17

A quick Sunday realization…

Today I wrote on my notebook diary and it was mostly an update about what happened the last few days. I was quite surprised to have found myself saying positive thoughts of life despite the hardship that I am facing. I like the person I have become over the last months and I wouldn’t certainly be in a good place if it weren’t for the unfortunate and fortunate circumstances that contribute to where I am right now. So, I am mostly grateful for the bad things that had happened to me over the past months bc it made me stronger and realize my worth. I just feel different this time, I don’t quite know how to explain it. Just that I like this present me than the old version of me.

For my readers, have a blessed Sunday and be grateful for today.

Allergy Scare

Just got back from my monthly check up in Manila. The doctor said he will be seeing me on my graduation next year lol I’m so happy! But also said it will leave me a scar for sure but at least I’m finally safe.

We just got back last night. When I woke up this morning, my head was pounding real strong and I could feel the strong pulses on both sides of my temple. I slept on it until 1pm then I had my lunch. I thought the headache was gone but as soon as I finished eating it came back. Then my ate noticed the redness all over my body. My face was flushed as tomato. Of course, my mom was worried. I went to the doctor and ask for prescription. She told me I might have eaten something bad and gave me a few sets of medicine to take—yet another meds to include in my everyday, what are a few more lol. Sometime after, the headache has subsided, although not entirely yet. Mom told me I made her worried sick and told me if I keep on getting sick, she might not let me go next year to study abroad.

I was so looking forward to getting back on MMA sessions because I had been away for 4 days and now it has been an entire week since I last workout. Life is throwing me lemons right now, is it giving me a message of some sort or something? Hmm.

Catching Up With Old Friends

Yesterday was one of those days when I usually wake up late, work out and binge watch movies. So I decided to hit up my friends invite them for dinner or late night coffee. It was kind of spontaneous and I’m glad we were complete last night. We went to a restaurant where there was a nice view of the surroundings, chatted up a bit self update and a little more girl gossips. Last night was a very familiar and homey feeling with the girls. I hope to do more of these.

As Friends or As Lovers?

In life, it’s seldom we found someone who gets us. Someone who we instantly love the moment we meet them. It’s such a rare occasion that when that certain person comes, we grab them and make sure they feel safe and loved. In most cases, people expect this to advance into some kind of romantic intimacy—which is ridiculous, really. On the other hand, it may lead to a long-life friendship. So let me throw a question, if you meet someone who really gets your vibe and interests in life, what kind of relationship would your inner-self choose to have with that someone—as a friend or a lover? It’s a tricky question, I know. The answer gets complicated the more you think about it. Ha.

My answer? I always go for friendship. But isn’t that always the case or mostly how it is for everyone? I mean, doesn’t a relationship begins at something before being lovers? And there’s nothing quite like how we, Millennials, deal with being in a ‘relationship’. There are even the so-called stages of relationship amongst 20-somethings that start out as being friends > talking stage > friends with benefits > hooking up > dating > exclusivity/to being lover. It’s one hella ride for young people to be in love, nowadays. No wonder Millennials are tagged to be the worst generation and no doubt about how older generations are laughing at us right now.

Having a fair share of my being part of the Millennial generation, I’ve experienced this roller coaster ride of being in a relationship myself. The one thing I can say is it’s just not for me. I might have done it wrong but I’ve had enough for now. I’ll choose friendship over love not because it will be the safe choice but because I’ve been there done thatrelationship thing and now I know better than to risk any good friendship with love. I’m not saying I’m all closed door for finding love but it’s not something that I am expecting to come in my life anytime soon. Setting my mind to that note, it keeps me from jumping to conclusions and expecting to find love in every guy that I meet. At the same time, without the expectations of any kind, it lets me create a deeper connection with someone I truly find interesting. It’s like I don’t have to worry about being the perfect girl because who’s judging, right? 🙂 No one but a good friend of mine.

Lovers just take it to different level, you know? Sure, there’s no doubt about how colorful our lives when they are there. No one can actually make us feel the same way that they do to us. It’s magical and how we wish it would never end. But have you had any relationship with someone that it ended badly, but then you realize you were so good together as friends than lovers, that you wish you could turn back time and just be friends instead? It’s a shame, isn’t it? Makes you regret just enough to wish for things to go back to the way you were as friends. That’s why I’ll always choose friendship over love.

Some people ask me what if you could have found your true happiness with that someone, but you settled as friends so you ended up throwing away the one shot deal? Honestly, I’m not worried. I’ve never been worried about missing my chances at being happy with someone because I know it’s not something that I could never find in myself. I produce my own sunshine and happiness. We all do! It’s on me to share it to other people. I never needed someone to make me feel whole because I am complete whether someone is holding my hand or not.

So what I need is a friend who knows me well, who’ll understand my tantrums and deal with it. Someone I can laugh with and share my stories with. A friend who I can talk whatever with no boundaries whatsoever. A friend who can be my plus one in parties and get drunk with. One who’ll ask me to a slow dance even with a pop music playing. A guy my parents can be comfortable with. Just someone who gets me. I have always believed that two opposite genders can have a platonic relationship. Being anything more than friends is just another label. What matters is the strong foundation and relationship I have with that person. If it turns out that my best friend is the one, wouldn’t that be great?! But if not, a best friend for life is not a loss love at all.

Choose carefully. And learn to love yourself.

xoxo,

Subscribe on my YouTube Channel1

100 SUBSCRIBERS IN YOUTUBE?! You guys are the best!!!!!

Last 4 months, I began being active in the YouTube community wherein I constantly post—is posting two videos in four months considered constant?—and actively comment on videos to sub on my channel haha. It gives me great joy to share my videos on the internet. Of course, there’s the hope of getting known duh, but nope it’s not my first priority. These past months, I have learned to love YouTube. I have been watching nonstop YouTube videos about almost anything but mostly about travel vlogs and tutorials on cinematic videos. I have also learned more stuff about editing and using transitions to enhance and to make sick edits lol oh yeah. I can’t explain how much excitement I feel when I edit or when I take videos of myself and other people. Even my friends now call me “vlogger”, I don’t exactly feel shy when I vlog around but I’m not totally confident yet. I haven’t even got past the point of being able to talk in front of the camera with my friends around. I mean I hate speaking in front of people I have the phobia and all but I just love the concept of vlogging that it makes it want to overcome that fear. Ever since I was kid, I have been recording through my phone and camera. I remember using Windows Movie Maker to compose a compilation of my photos and make it into a video with background music.

Anyway, I am planning to upload videos for as long as it gives me happiness. It’s actually quite fun and rewarding to be able to receive comments and love from people you don’t know! I feel like this is my one of my true hobbies in life. And I think I’m going to be doing this for a long time.

PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO MY CHANNEL!!!! IT WOULD MEAN THE WORLD TO ME AND MY DREAMS. I subscribe back, you guys! I’m actually looking to do a collab. Hmu if you want! 🙂

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Love,

Weirdest thing today is happening. My music’s on shuffle play and every song playing reminds me of him. I mean it’s like my damn phone knows exactly where to hit me.

Anyhow, I wanna start this thing called 100 Happy Days—it’s an eon thing I know haha. I won’t be doing the exact thing but maybe just write stuff about everyday. I was thinking maybe I won’t have titles like Day 1…Day 100, you know, cause that’s too mainstream. I will put those on my tags tho—you can see them at the left side of every post—for me to at least keep track of the days left. At the same time it will be my countdown until my last day here in Chicago. So expect to see me posting random shits here everyday lol.

259 til I say good bye to the city of Chi. But who’s counting? 🙂

Btw, I am totally pms-ing! I hate it. 😦 I am feeling a whole lot things today!!! Ugh.

Whatever. Babush.

What Is Going On?

Pretending so much to be happy when I’m rotting on the inside. I don’t know what it is that I’m still asking for. I mean I already heard the good news and that alone should make me jump and scream of happiness. But no, instead I feel down. Maybe this is what they call graduation jitters. I’m scared for what’s ahead of me. I don’t see myself doing good in my life. I feel blank like uncertainty of what future holds.

Honestly though, I think I know the reason why I’m miserable at the moment. I just don’t want to admit it. But I’m fine, so much fine. So much that I could cry at any moment. I actually think there’s a lump stuck in my throat. I could be walking down the street and shed tears without any warning. I could be looking at the mirror smiling and crying at the same time yet no one will ever know it’s not tears of joy. I could look like I’m paying attention but I’m actually spacing out. Does that even sound like fine to anyone? 😂 I’m going cray!

I don’t want to be locked up in the house. My room isn’t exactly a therapeutic place either. I have dark orange curtains and a speaker that blares suicidal music so yeah it’s not helping. And I can’t go out at night just whenever and wherever I want. I’m not exactly a free bird. I mean I can be if I want to but the last time I did it, it was for someone and you know when someone doesn’t appreciate the risks that you do so you just stop bc you’re just human and it’s not like you’re asking something in return but a little love would be appreciated. But oh well, I’m done risking for a while. 😊

This is getting out of hand.

I wish to disappear.

Good night.

Just Got Home

Hello! I’m starting to get really worried about my life here. I can’t seem to have a proper sleep every night. And all throughout the day, I resembled like a living zombie. Even now, as I’m typing this my eyes are starting to droop downwards and the weariness is now creeping inside me. But I have to finish some things and yeah okay you may be wondering why I’m still here wasting my time instead of doing it na. I just get that feeling sometimes, you know, it makes me feel better after I’ve let my thoughts out. Even if it’s just a little comfort. 😉 So anyway, today I had my three exams seven more to go. Hell yeah! Tomorrow another one and another for the next couple of days, I’ll be out of everyone’s way and be busy with requirements and stuff. I’m just hoping for everyone to pass this semester and be over with this.

My eyeeees are starting to get really really…sorry cant think of anythingxto say dnow. Night*YAAAAAWN* that was the biggest yawn of my life.

9:35pm

Jgh. 😔 So tired as in.

Gotta wake up early for my 7:30am class for tomorrow. 7 major subjects for tom and that includes 6hours straight class from 3-9pm. 🔫 Good luck to me.

I know I should be sleeping right now but damn…okay I’ll sleep now. 😅

☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️

Can’t wait for tomorrrrrow! So excited! 😖 HAHA pretty hectic schedule of mine. Wonder if I’ll survive this sem. ~~Fml~~. Think positive please! ☺️

06.17.2014

Had a great workout today! I just got home from gym anddddd I’m feeling super good. It’s been a while since my last workout…2 months ago, I think. Ha 😛 Tho desire took over me and I made my dad order a pancake at McDo for my breakfast 😛

It’s only 8am and I still got a lot of time before my first class. What to doooo? Sleep?

Hmmmm! Nomnom. Just took my first bite on my pancake and it tastes amaazing. I don’t normally eat this thing but I’m hungry and tired and I just want to sleep. 😦

I know this is out of nowhere but I just remembered that I have a diary and I have been neglecting it for three months now. Ohmyghad! 😥 How could I? But then again, I was busy with other things that were far more important than writing in my diary but still! And not to mention the fact the these past months had been life-changing moments of my life and I didn’t write it! 😦 😭😪 Just kill me now. Kinda overreacting, I know. It’s just that… 😥 😥 TOO BAD.

Now this post is going nowhere. Haha I’ve got a lot of things in my mind. Anyway…

I don’t know if my mom reads my blog. She definitely knows about this blog because I told her so. And I’m starting to regret that I did. I mean not just mom but also for those people whom I know personally. It’s just that they could open and read anything on my blog anytime and poof my secret’s gone. Tho I’m not saying they read my blog everyday but you get what I mean, right? Right?

I’m sleepy

Oh Bother!

Yes, you have seen it right. It’s ‘bother’ not ‘brother’. I’ve heard it said from my favorite character Pooh every time he’s irritated! ^^ Haha. I love Pooh. And please! He’s not a gender confused bear. He is a BOY and he is adorable without his undies. :))

I find it cute that Pooh makes it sound angelic instead of saying ‘you motherfucker sonofabitch’. He’s such a charmer, isn’t he? 😀 I know I know. But he’s already taken by me so back off, bitch. Nyahaha.

So enough of my rant about Pooh. Let’s get to my life now even though what I’m about to say has nothing to do with the title above. :))

Last night, I was not able to join my friends in their night out. I had a family emergency so family first as always. Also, my mom asked me to open the store for today so I slept early.

As you may already know, my summer class is officially over making this day my first legit day of summer. Yohoo! But instead of me being at my bed oversleeping, I’m wide awake and sweating in our store. And the hot temperature is kinda making me feel drowsy. I wanna take a nap even just for a minute but there’s no one to trust to with the store.

Anyway, I’ll just have to look forward to this evening and hope to God my mom won’t let me come here tomorrow ’cause she told me she’ll be giving me the Sunday off. *crossed fingers*

Since today is Saturday, so obviously tomorrow is Sunday. Lol (Even I don’t find myself a wee bit of funny.)~~Wait, you’re trying to be funny by that?~~ ~~Ughh~~ ~~Oh shut up~~ MY DRY SENSE OF HUMOR IS OVERFLOWING. Sorry ’bout that. Going back, while Sunday is a rest day for most, it is the busiest day for us because it’s market day for people. So usually, me and my mom are dead tired at Sunday night. Tho it’s pretty much every night, really.

So that’s just it.

And oh wait. I feel like going out tonight with my girl friends so maybe I’ll ask my mom about it. Depends on her mood tho. Huhu.

Au Revoir biatches!! 😁😁😁

K. The Most Annoying Reply

I hate in when people text me back with “K”. Like how the fuck am I supposed to respond to that shit?

If you’re going to text me first, at least try to keep the conversation going. Saying words like “LOL” “OH” “AH”. Well damn, do you ever say anything else?

Worst thing is that it took me 5 long minutes to type and there’s that 2 minutes of thinking so all in all it’s roughly 7 minutes of my time spent and all I get back is “K”?!!

I understand that it depends on who you are talking to. But seriously people, not everyone is your best friend.

I do it too occasionally, but that is when I’m annoyed or when the person I’m talking to doesn’t expect any other response except for my confirmation which could be done by “Okay”.

Dang people, expand your vocab. “K” is not even a word. And oh please, don’t get me started with “Kk”.