Good evening to you Thursday,
You’ve been pretty harsh to me today. You held the promise of finally making me feel better after the last midterm, but why is it that even hours after I got home from school I still feel so drained out and stressed? I feel so stressed actually. It could be because of a lot of things namely studying, working and breathing. How to destress? Oshiete kudasai. It’s a lot to take in being an international student. Maybe it’s just me because my classmates seem to have a bit of a fun in classes every now and then. Should I give up? Should I just keep going, then? But what if it doesn’t make me happy anymore? I’m confused. Does it not make me happy because I didn’t want what I was studying or just because I didn’t get my midterm? Would I say I feel alright if I got the midterm, then? What the fuck? Another day, yet another drama from me as always. I wonder how grown-ups figure it all out? Maybe they haven’t really figure shit out, right? They just go with the flow with life and see how it well turns out for them. If it doesn’t, well no one lives eternally to deal with it anyway. I don’t even know what’s up. Tomorrow, tomorrow…I made plans for tomorrow. I have to go to work as well. It’s nice to be busy. It makes me keep out of my pointless thoughts such as this one I’m writing. I can’t wait for things to be better. Oh yeah, now I remember why I decided to write tonight in the first place. On my way home tonight, I remembered I was feeling very much at peace just months ago. I even wrote that feeling down here. Having that thought, I let out a sudden sigh and asked myself. “Where did that moment go?”. It was just here! Now it’s nowhere to be found LOL. GOD HELP ME. I actually feel a little bit demotivated in making videos. I just couldn’t bring myself to pretend that everything was alright when things are not. But I know I need to get myself together. Don’t be such a pussy is something I would tell a friend if this were this situation. So yes, no time to feel sulky. But then again, it’s all just talk. I really am sad and confused right now.
I must have been born sad. I can’t keep up with happiness! That feeling when I’m happy all day and suddenly out of nowhere sadness would wash all over my soul and there’s no stopping it. Is this normal? Sometimes, I wonder if I’m the only person who can experience this. Maybe I just love being sad so much? Is that even possible? Now that I think about it, I love being confined to a small space. Not that it matters to my point, but maybe it has something to do with that. Hmmm, maybe I really was born like this. Is there any way out of this? Don’t get me wrong. I love myself. I feel so blessed. I feel so loved. But I don’t like being sad like this. Not when I don’t know the reason behind my sudden change of mood. I know being sad is sometimes needed in our lives. But in my case, is this really healthy? Will this ever go away? Will this ever hinder me from my true happiness? What is true happiness really? Sigh. Too many questions drowning my head right now.
“In the end, I’m going to be all right” is a thought that I always hold onto. Some might say I’m living my life to the fullest. I am, actually. And I couldn’t be more grateful to everyone, especially God. But I think I’m entitled to feel sad at times and vent at something like this. It’s not like I go around and announce, “Hey, I’m sad. May you be sad as well!” No, not at all. For what it’s worth, I think I give an opposite vibe to everyone else.
I missed writing. Glad to be able to talk to you guys again.
As you may know, I have been waiting for my visa decision to come. And it finally came last Thursday. I GOT APPROVAL OF MY STUDENT PERMIT IN CANADA! Wohoooo. The reason I didn’t post it as soon as I got the word is that I was too happy and emotional to do anything else besides BEING HAPPY lol. I literally shouted and cried when I heard the news. It was given to me by Ms. Karen, my visa coordinator.
The very next day I found out that I’m going to Canada, I bought a one-way ticket. I’ll be leaving next month. My summer term won’t start until the month of May, but I want to be able to adjust weeks before my class starts. Besides, I have to settle some things first like my social security number, bank account, and other important stuff.
I feel so blessed that this moment has finally come. I never actually thought about getting it in the first place, I guess, which I know is a total wrong mind set to have. But like I said, I had been down that road before of waiting and being rejected and I was just afraid of getting my hopes up ever again. But I got! I got it. I got it.
Thank you for those who never lose their faith in me. I love you all.
A quick Sunday realization…
Today I wrote on my notebook diary and it was mostly an update about what happened the last few days. I was quite surprised to have found myself saying positive thoughts of life despite the hardship that I am facing. I like the person I have become over the last months and I wouldn’t certainly be in a good place if it weren’t for the unfortunate and fortunate circumstances that contribute to where I am right now. So, I am mostly grateful for the bad things that had happened to me over the past months bc it made me stronger and realize my worth. I just feel different this time, I don’t quite know how to explain it. Just that I like this present me than the old version of me.
For my readers, have a blessed Sunday and be grateful for today.
Can’t sleep so I busied myself looking at the old photographs stored on my lappy! Haha! It’s so funny looking at how I was back then. Even my friends looked funny and innocent. 🙂
Hello Readers (if there’s even any) 😒
I might have been gone for almost two months because of a certain reason. But I was still writing everyday and now that my blog is back in public, almost all those that I’ve posted these past months have turned private. 😊
I missed visiting my page and viewing my stats! 😂 And reading posts and liking good articles 😟 and sharing my own personal rants! ☺️ But I’m happy at the same time cause I was able to attain some peace of mind. 😜 Haha alright now I’m not making any sense. 😊 Enough.
Merry Christmas to y’all! I hope you had a good one! I MISSED YA FELLAS! 😘😘😘
Let’s all welcome 2015!!!!! Just four more days. Imagine that! 😱
Serene night? 😂 More of like freeze-to-death night. Haha here’s what I’m talking about:
On our way home from a road trip(2 hour travel time), I decided to ride in the back of the pickup car. I mean I’ve always wanted to do it you know. It’s actually one in my bucketlists so I just crossed off another thing! Yay to that. So going back, I was only wearing short shorts and tee shirt no jacket whatsoever but I didn’t care and still gave it a go. I plugged in my music and enjoyed the trip.
30 mins after…
I’m loving the night sky! It’s full moon and the sky so lit up. And the wind daamn cool.
1 hour after…
Uhmm. Wait…the cold’s starting to creep up my skin. I think a blanket or whatver clothing would be much appreciated at the moment please. It’s starting to get cold!
1 1/2 hour after…
Holy shit I’m numb. I can’t feel my hands anymore! 😂 Good thing we had a stop over. My mom bought a coffee cause she was starting to get sleepy. Told her I wanted a black coffee too but it’s not available so…
At the moment…
I’m still cold af. 😂 I didnt go inside the car though. I can’t give up now I’m finishing this battle bitches. Besides! I’m kinda used to this kind of situation anyway and I totally love it. 30 mins to go before home. It’s 10:15 now and fingers are numb. How in the world can I still type these words is beyond my comprehension. 😅 I see we’re entering the city now, more cars and lights to see but no more trees and creepy shadows! I still like it more when in suburban. Damn I just wish this journey would be forever.
Time’s up. Finally home.
What do you do when life become so absurd?
Lovin’ every minute ’cause you make me feel so alive 🎶
Having a night class every day could be ermm…tiring. I mean waiting up for your next class alone for one and a half hour is just demanding. Waiting could also be a tiring job just so you know. I’m not complaining tho just saying. 😉 Times like these I’m just having a ‘me’ moment. I can’t say my ‘me’ moment is a good thing. Not sure what to make of my never ending thoughts. 💊
Uhuh hunney 😉 🎶
Thank God for music!
I know you’re tired of loving with nobody to love 🎶
Sorry for those intermissions. Forgive me but I can only listen to my musics at my current situation! 😩😅 I’m still waiting for Maria to come to school then I’d have someone to talk to. Yay 😅
I hate evenings now! Makes me think of sad things. I don’t know(there goes my idk line again😒) but I find myself always on the verge of breaking down nowadays. Like let me hear a Lana Del Rey’s song and I’ll loose it in no time! That’s why as much as possible I don’t stay up late now, my mind wanders to such extent that I can’t control in anymore. Then when I wake up, yay I survived another day now another day to face. It may sound like a drag to me and yes it kinda is but I try my very best not to make it that way. I mean every day is a blessing!
Now where is Maria? Ugh. Tagal ni teh!
Nights like these you will never be alone 🎶
The struggle is real! 😖 Shucks.
Let me live no more please kung ganito rin naman. 😰
I cannot afford to be distracted again. Damn it me!
This too shall pass. Hopefully. 😔
I called you today hoping to hear your voice but you didn’t pick-up the phone… I broke down crying ’cause I couldn’t take it no more.
I think about of getting lost but I just can’t make myself do it…too many people are giving me directions.
I thought they were permanent…but nothing is and that’s just sad.
I think about time and changes and friends…they don’t stop. Life doesn’t stop for anybody.
I imagine the things we did, the memories we made…and wonder if it’ll be the last time I’ll think about you.
Where were you? You said priorities…but damn if it was true.
My thoughts are eating me…that sometimes I wish I would forever live in them instead of harsh reality.
Wrong things happen when you trust and worry about the wrong people…and guess what? I was wrong about you.
‘Cheer up’ everybody said…if only it was easy as 123.
You don’t say it instead you do it…but I don’t know I’ve fallen to your words regardless.
I can’t wait to be happy again…and be me again.
I miss the old me, my old life, my old habits…I just miss the innocent me.
Do ya feel lucky, punk?…Luck can be good or bad. So which is which for me?
Those words…wonder if we meant it
Such a great day