Yet Another Day

Good evening to you Thursday,

You’ve been pretty harsh to me today. You held the promise of finally making me feel better after the last midterm, but why is it that even hours after I got home from school I still feel so drained out and stressed? I feel so stressed actually. It could be because of a lot of things namely studying, working and breathing. How to destress? Oshiete kudasai. It’s a lot to take in being an international student. Maybe it’s just me because my classmates seem to have a bit of a fun in classes every now and then. Should I give up? Should I just keep going, then? But what if it doesn’t make me happy anymore? I’m confused. Does it not make me happy because I didn’t want what I was studying or just because I didn’t get my midterm? Would I say I feel alright if I got the midterm, then? What the fuck? Another day, yet another drama from me as always. I wonder how grown-ups figure it all out? Maybe they haven’t really figure shit out, right? They just go with the flow with life and see how it well turns out for them. If it doesn’t, well no one lives eternally to deal with it anyway. I don’t even know what’s up. Tomorrow, tomorrow…I made plans for tomorrow. I have to go to work as well. It’s nice to be busy. It makes me keep out of my pointless thoughts such as this one I’m writing. I can’t wait for things to be better. Oh yeah, now I remember why I decided to write tonight in the first place. On my way home tonight, I remembered I was feeling very much at peace just months ago. I even wrote that feeling down here. Having that thought, I let out a sudden sigh and asked myself. “Where did that moment go?”. It was just here! Now it’s nowhere to be found LOL. GOD HELP ME. I actually feel a little bit demotivated in making videos. I just couldn’t bring myself to pretend that everything was alright when things are not. But I know I need to get myself together. Don’t be such a pussy is something I would tell a friend if this were this situation. So yes, no time to feel sulky. But then again, it’s all just talk. I really am sad and confused right now.

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It’s Gonna Get Better, But It’s Taking Forever

I must have been born sad. I can’t keep up with happiness! That feeling when I’m happy all day and suddenly out of nowhere sadness would wash all over my soul and there’s no stopping it. Is this normal? Sometimes, I wonder if I’m the only person who can experience this. Maybe I just love being sad so much? Is that even possible? Now that I think about it, I love being confined to a small space. Not that it matters to my point, but maybe it has something to do with that. Hmmm, maybe I really was born like this. Is there any way out of this? Don’t get me wrong. I love myself. I feel so blessed. I feel so loved. But I don’t like being sad like this. Not when I don’t know the reason behind my sudden change of mood. I know being sad is sometimes needed in our lives. But in my case, is this really healthy? Will this ever go away? Will this ever hinder me from my true happiness? What is true happiness really? Sigh. Too many questions drowning my head right now.

“In the end, I’m going to be all right” is a thought that I always hold onto. Some might say I’m living my life to the fullest. I am, actually. And I couldn’t be more grateful to everyone, especially God. But I think I’m entitled to feel sad at times and vent at something like this. It’s not like I go around and announce, “Hey, I’m sad. May you be sad as well!” No, not at all. For what it’s worth, I think I give an opposite vibe to everyone else. Well, except my sestra. Sestra knows me too well when there’s something wrong with me.

I missed writing. Glad to be able to talk to you guys again.

Hear The Great News!

Hello, everyone!

As you may know, I have been waiting for my visa decision to come. And it finally came last Thursday. I GOT APPROVAL OF MY STUDENT PERMIT IN CANADA! Wohoooo. The reason I didn’t post it as soon as I got the word is that I was too happy and emotional to do anything else besides BEING HAPPY lol. I literally shouted and cried when I heard the news. It was given to me by Ms. Karen, my visa coordinator.

The very next day I found out that I’m going to Canada, I bought a one-way ticket. I’ll be leaving next month. My summer term won’t start until the month of May, but I want to be able to adjust weeks before my class starts. Besides, I have to settle some things first like my social security number, bank account, and other important stuff.

I feel so blessed that this moment has finally come. I never actually thought about getting it in the first place, I guess, which I know is a total wrong mind set to have. But like I said, I had been down that road before of waiting and being rejected and I was just afraid of getting my hopes up ever again. But I got! I got it. I got it.
Thank you for those who never lose their faith in me. I love you all.

xoxo,

G

02.13.2018

Bonjour, Γ§a va?

Today, today, today, today. Today, I opened the store and mom took the day off. I had a rough morning, to begin with! I ended up messing the computer server, so I had no choice but to call and ask for my mom’s help. I was losing it very much. Do you ever have times when everything just goes wrong and you’re not even lifting a finger to cause anything at all? Like the disaster just comes to you. I just had my freaking period, what could have been triggering me? And I’m eating a lot too, more than my usual.

A friend today even provoke the crap out of me and bitch I played it cool. I wouldn’t stoop lower just for you. On the other side of this thing, I’m actually glad I’m finally mad at this person. Like you know what? I’ve had enough of your bullshit. The magic is gone and I’m not about to make you make me feel any lesser now.

On a lighter note, the medical clinic I had been exchanging emails about my medical status had finally submitted my application to the embassy. I can’t believe it. This was what I had been hoping and waiting for, for the last 6 months, and now it has been done. Thank you, self, for being strong and believing in your own capability that you can go through it. And we did. I did it.Β Now, the only thing to wait for is the decision for my student permit.Β I have not been wanting to write something about my anticipation for the visa decision because I felt like in some ways, I was going to jinx it, but fuck it.Β I have been also researching about my future stay in Canada like my place to stay, part-time jobs, activities to do, and some basic stuff. But at the same time, this feels a little scary doing this because I’ve been on this road before. I had done my research and whatnot, only to be crushed by the news that I was sick. And so, as I am in this road again, I always, always begin with telling myself that if, for some reason, things could go wrong again, I should be mentally and emotionally be prepared about it.

You see, most of the time, in most things in life, it’s not a straight path at all. Most times, it’s a struggle between being an optimist and a realist. You can’t just stay positive and not think about all the possible negative outcomes that could happen. Likewise, you can’t just be dreading and hoping for the worst because the way of thoughts and the way of actions are two intertwined things in this universe. And so right now, I am all over the places. I see now that that’s probably the reason why I’m a walking ticking bomb lately. This is that final point where I know that either of two things in my life is about to happen. Either I chase my dream to Canada and have the life I want or I stay and make it work here. And I am not going to lie that as much as I stay positive and all that shit, I do think about the idea of not getting a yes on a student permit. Of course, I think about that all the time. I even get nights now where my late-night thoughts are consumed by this horrible possibility. It’s scaring the fuck out of me, okay? Forgive me for the outburst of profanities here.

On a much much happy note, today is my baby brother’s birthday! πŸ™‚ He just turned 15, but he looks so grown up now. What is it with young kids looking and acting so mature at a young age? When I was at his age, I was proudly showing my flabs to my friends. But kids these days, they make out the majority of every gym spaces right now. I can’t even. Or I’m just getting old and starting to be one of those old people who constantly compare themselves to younger generations like, ugh kids these days don’t even talk in person but just plant their faces on their phones.Β Lol.Β But I am a proudΒ ate with my siblings. They are the kinds of kids parents are praying for to have. So I will be closing the store early because we’ll be having a small family dinner.

This is a lengthy post now, I know. But on my defense, this is to make up for the days when I have such intense thoughts that I couldn’t even write what those are about. I just wanted to say more about how I’m hoping, really hoping for the best for me. And that is to get my student permit. I don’t want to let this opportunity pass and regret it for the rest of my life. It’s just that now that I am 22β€”the average age of a graduate studentβ€”I wanted to be able to start and focus on things, career-wise. And yes, it’s starting to dawn on me that I’m an adult now, that I have to be responsible for my own and start to take care of other people too. I’m glad that I have these options to choose from like having to study abroad and not be forced to work and be financially responsible for my family. For this, I am eternally blessed in more ways I could ever imagine. I pray that whatever the future holds, there would be guidance to walk me through this life.

Finally, I won’t be posting for another week or so. I will be celebrating this coming long weekend with my friends at La UnionΒ for 3 days. Should be one hella weekend. But I mean, it’s totally going to be a wholesome weekend getaway for me, since I’m not up for some wild nights. I don’t even drink anymore. I’m afraid I won’t really keep up with people having fun if I’m sober, so I definitely arranged my budget on food twice as high than I normally would because I would have to busy myself eating than be drinking mojitos.

Wow, you’ve made it this far?! Kudos to you. Thank you so much for reading my lengthy blog post. Leave a comment down below on what your plans for the upcoming long weekend or just about anything at all. I’d like to get to know my readers better. And I don’t bite. *wink*

salut Γ  mes lecteurs

Glaire

Long Thoughts on a Long Night

Ah. Tonight’s going to be a long night again. I’m traveling to Manila by car tonight for my monthly medicine refill. I’m with my baby sis. She’s eagerly seated beside me and I bet she’s feeling some kind of independency right now. She just challenged me to stay awake throughout the whole journey. Saying she doesn’t need sleep. Annoying but cute. I’m on my usual position seated just behind the driver’s seat. My feet extended in front of me, blanket set on my entire half, earphones plugged in my ears listening to Love by Finding Hope, pillow on my lap and scarf snaked around my neck looks like I’m all set. Perfect. Did I mention it’s raining?

I’d say this year has been all about being idle, literally and mentally. It didn’t leave me much choice. The unfortunate happenings, I mean. Although somehow, maybe I could’ve done something to be busy. But this gave way to discovering the things that are important to me. It’s like finding a hidden treasure in my life. I’m like one of those kids starring at the movie The Goonies where they went out for an adventure to find a hidden treasure. Only in my version, I’m just stationary most of the time. They have the saying with one leaving comes a better one. And something just keeps leaving in my life only to be replace by something better and even more better with the next thing that comes. Or maybe it’s just the way I perceived it. I always look for a reason to be thankful. My motto in life is one of those clichΓ©s, “Everything happens for a reason.”

12.03.17

A quick Sunday realization…

Today I wrote on my notebook diary and it was mostly an update about what happened the last few days. I was quite surprised to have found myself saying positive thoughts of life despite the hardship that I am facing. I like the person I have become over the last months and I wouldn’t certainly be in a good place if it weren’t for the unfortunate and fortunate circumstances that contribute to where I am right now. So, I am mostly grateful for the bad things that had happened to me over the past months bc it made me stronger and realize my worth. I just feel different this time, I don’t quite know how to explain it. Just that I like this present me than the old version of me.

For my readers, have a blessed Sunday and be grateful for today.

I miss this πŸ˜–

Hello Readers (if there’s even any) πŸ˜’

I’m back!!!

I might have been gone for almost two months because of a certain reason. But I was still writing everyday and now that my blog is back in public, almost all those that I’ve posted these past months have turned private. 😊

I missed visiting my page and viewing my stats! πŸ˜‚ And reading posts and liking good articles 😟 and sharing my own personal rants! ☺️ But I’m happy at the same time cause I was able to attain some peace of mind. 😜 Haha alright now I’m not making any sense. 😊 Enough.

Merry Christmas to y’all! I hope you had a good one! I MISSED YA FELLAS! 😘😘😘

Let’s all welcome 2015!!!!! Just four more days. Imagine that! 😱

Serene Night

Serene night? πŸ˜‚ More of like freeze-to-death night. Haha here’s what I’m talking about:

9-ish pm

On our way home from a road trip(2 hour travel time), I decided to ride in the back of the pickup car. I mean I’ve always wanted to do it you know. It’s actually one in my bucketlists so I just crossed off another thing! Yay to that. So going back, I was only wearing short shorts and tee shirt no jacket whatsoever but I didn’t care and still gave it a go. I plugged in my music and enjoyed the trip.

30 mins after…

I’m loving the night sky! It’s full moon and the sky so lit up. And the wind daamn cool.

1 hour after…

Uhmm. Wait…the cold’s starting to creep up my skin. I think a blanket or whatver clothing would be much appreciated at the moment please. It’s starting to get cold!

1 1/2 hour after…
Holy shit I’m numb. I can’t feel my hands anymore! πŸ˜‚ Good thing we had a stop over. My mom bought a coffee cause she was starting to get sleepy. Told her I wanted a black coffee too but it’s not available so…

At the moment…
I’m still cold af. πŸ˜‚ I didnt go inside the car though. I can’t give up now I’m finishing this battle bitches. Besides! I’m kinda used to this kind of situation anyway and I totally love it. 30 mins to go before home. It’s 10:15 now and fingers are numb. How in the world can I still type these words is beyond my comprehension. πŸ˜… I see we’re entering the city now, more cars and lights to see but no more trees and creepy shadows! I still like it more when in suburban. Damn I just wish this journey would be forever.

Time’s up. Finally home.

🌚

Lovin’ every minute ’cause you make me feel so alive 🎢

😌😌😌😌😌

Having a night class every day could be ermm…tiring. I mean waiting up for your next class alone for one and a half hour is just demanding. Waiting could also be a tiring job just so you know. I’m not complaining tho just saying. πŸ˜‰ Times like these I’m just having a ‘me’ moment. I can’t say my ‘me’ moment is a good thing. Not sure what to make of my never ending thoughts. πŸ’Š

Uhuh hunney πŸ˜‰ 🎢

Thank God for music!

I know you’re tired of loving with nobody to love 🎢

πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Sorry for those intermissions. Forgive me but I can only listen to my musics at my current situation! πŸ˜©πŸ˜… I’m still waiting for Maria to come to school then I’d have someone to talk to. Yay πŸ˜…

I hate evenings now! Makes me think of sad things. I don’t know(there goes my idk line againπŸ˜’) but I find myself always on the verge of breaking down nowadays. Like let me hear a Lana Del Rey’s song and I’ll loose it in no time! That’s why as much as possible I don’t stay up late now, my mind wanders to such extent that I can’t control in anymore. Then when I wake up, yay I survived another day now another day to face. It may sound like a drag to me and yes it kinda is but I try my very best not to make it that way. I mean every day is a blessing!

Now where is Maria? Ugh. Tagal ni teh!

Nights like these you will never be alone 🎢

The struggle is real! πŸ˜– Shucks.

Let me live no more please kung ganito rin naman. 😰

I cannot afford to be distracted again. Damn it me!

Focus please.

πŸ˜„πŸ˜ƒπŸ˜€πŸ˜Šβ˜ΊοΈπŸ˜‰πŸ˜œπŸ˜πŸ˜›πŸ˜„πŸ˜ƒπŸ˜€πŸ˜Šβ˜ΊοΈπŸ˜‰πŸ˜œπŸ˜πŸ˜›πŸ˜„πŸ˜ƒπŸ˜€πŸ˜Šβ˜ΊοΈπŸ˜‰πŸ˜œπŸ˜πŸ˜›πŸ˜„πŸ˜ƒπŸ˜€πŸ˜Šβ˜ΊοΈπŸ˜‰πŸ˜œπŸ˜πŸ˜›πŸ˜„πŸ˜ƒπŸ˜€

This too shall pass. Hopefully. πŸ˜”

Guy Friend

Having a guy best friend could be frustrating sometimes. πŸ˜”

I’ve been friends with this guy since god-knows-when. It’s not the cheesy type of relationship that we have but just the kind of thing that he’s always there for me anytime vice versa.

I know as a guy he can be protective as hell but sometimes going overboard is a big hell no too! I mean I totally appreciate the protectiveness and all but not having a say on the matter is definitely upsetting on my part too.

He’s been cold to me since I told him something and he wasn’t so happy about my news. Athough I’ve reassured him that I’m okay and that I can handle it, he still won’t buy it. Huhu I understand where he’s getting his attitude ’cause he has every right to react in whatever manner he wants to but couldn’t he be happy for my choice? I mean even just this once can’t he at least say that he’s gonna be with me. It’s not even my second time ghaad he won’t even let me have my first.

He’s really important to me and he’s like the second thing closest to being my brother so it saddened me that things turned out this way. But I have to fight for what I want. I’m not gonna stop just becuase he tells me to. It’s not like it’s a matter of life and death. Duh!

What irks me tho, is the way he talks to me now. Like I’ve done the most awful thing in the world. And that’s not even the worst part, he’s making me choose! So I told him to back off and talk to me when he’s cool down already and that he please fix his attitude. Ugh.

God people on this earth think they could just order someone and tell them to do this and that. Spell F-U-C-K O-F-F dude. You’re not even my mom! Nigguh please.

Thoughts of a Tight-Lipped Girl

I called you today hoping to hear your voice but you didn’t pick-up the phone… I broke down crying ’cause I couldn’t take it no more.

I think about of getting lost but I just can’t make myself do it…too many people are giving me directions.

I thought they were permanent…but nothing is and that’s just sad.

I think about time and changes and friends…they don’t stop. Life doesn’t stop for anybody.

I imagine the things we did, the memories we made…and wonder if it’ll be the last time I’ll think about you.

Where were you? You said priorities…but damn if it was true.

My thoughts are eating me…that sometimes I wish I would forever live in them instead of harsh reality.

Wrong things happen when you trust and worry about the wrong people…and guess what? I was wrong about you.

‘Cheer up’ everybody said…if only it was easy as 123.

You don’t say it instead you do it…but I don’t know I’ve fallen to your words regardless.

I can’t wait to be happy again…and be me again.

I miss the old me, my old life, my old habits…I just miss the innocent me.

Do ya feel lucky, punk?…Luck can be good or bad. So which is which for me?

Those words…wonder if we meant it

Such a great day