When It Starts to Hit You Hard

I’m in the middle of the summer break. Not a very long one, but still very much grateful for any kind of short break I could get these days. Besides having short hours of work, which btw means short on cash, my life on break consist mainly of me staying in, editing videos, doing the manual labor of laundry since our washing machine is not working, and lastly the occasional struggle of I-wanna-hang-out-w/-them-but-my-bed-feels-too-good. So basically, that’s what I have been up to the last seven days.

Last night, I had to force myself out of the house and join my friends on a fair called PNE at Vancouver. It basically consists of different events such as concerts, rides, and even museum for kids. We went there for a specific reason and that is to watch 98 degrees live. If you have no idea who are they, then you’re probably way too young to know them. They were widely known as a band back in the 90’s playing R&B music. But honestly, I don’t know much of their songs—I only recognized their super famous songs—because I was only born when they debuted.

So you probably know their famous song I Do (Cherish You). I actually wasn’t familiar with the title at first, but the moment I read the title, I automatically sang it in my mind. Then I thought, I know this! So this was sung by them. That was mainly the song I knew and then I have maybe two other songs that were quite familiar—but not enough for me to sing along with the crowd.

The show starts at 8:30 pm, but we got inside the PNE at 6 pm. I was shocked to see the long queue for the general admission. It’s free, so it’s a bit expected. But nevertheless, still shocked that many people would actually be attending. But hey, I was underestimating the power of older generations. No offense tho, I’m one of them. It was an open-air concert. My friends and I settled inside the concert venue an hour early and seated at the top left part of the crowd. I was observing what kind of audience were coming in: age and ethnicity wise. And I felt a sense of connection with these people because most of them were definitely older than me and I know they’ve been listening to 98 degree’s hits growing up. I may not have the same strong liking of their music, but somehow, I know I was part of that time back then. While searching the crowd, my mind was taken back to the times when some old song would play on the radio and my parents would proudly and dreamily tell us how that song reminded them of their childhood. Back then, I would just nod and smile at them like I know how they’re feeling. Now looking around at the crowd, I understood what my parents were actually talking about. I’m becoming a part of the older generations and that there are younger ones who may find the 98 degree’s coordinate dance moves a bit tacky.

The concert started and they started playing their hits—some of them I know, some of them I had no idea. But the best part was, they didn’t just sing their own songs but also sang other 90’s and early 20’s hits for us. It was so amazing and I felt very proud and nostalgic. I thought at that time, no one could enjoy this better than the ones who have been living our times. There’s so much sense of pride that washed over me that night.

When I think about it, I really am not getting any younger. There’s already a new generation after me. I’m starting to see myself in them and say, “Ha, I was not that mischievous when I was her age.” Like I can hear my mom telling me the same thing haha. It’s not our prime time anymore—not to sound too dramatic. It’s funny, you don’t ever feel like the talk of the town not after you’re not anymore.

All of these are not a bad thing, of course. It just means that life continues just like how it’s been since the beginning of the time. We do our thing in our own time and phasing. And it got me thinking about my transitioning in this life. I know I haven’t been the most decisive person ever, but I feel like it’s an accomplishment somehow that I’m thinking about my life now. It’s better late than never. Twenty-four and counting and I’m looking forward to life ahead of me. I want to live my life the way I want it to be. I feel blessed enough to have people around me who supports me financially and emotionally. Growing up, I am starting to understand people struggle in their own ways. I stopped comparing and saying such thing as, buti pa siya ganito ganyan.

I still got a long way to go in this life. Laban lang.

Love lots,

Gee

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2019 Goals

Hey stranger, so I know this may seem a bit cliché. And let me tell you, it is cliché but I’m doing it anyway 🙂

1. Read More Books

Okay, so this one I need to take priority!!!! I’ve been neglecting reading for almost 2 years now. I used to love reading books. I think I still love reading books. The only difference is that I don’t find the time to read now, that’s why I’m making it a top priority for 2019 to finally get back to the reading game and finally improving my English again.

    2. Create a New Blog

Trust me when I say I’ve created multiples of blogs for myself. Maybe 5-8 already? But this time, Imma make it really legit and simple. I wanna start doing more. I wanna achieve and show more with this new website that I will make. Wait and see, I’ll make it! 🙂

    3. More Skin Care Less Make Up

Although this has been the case for years, I want to give more attention to my skin next year. I want to be able to really achieve what I want. Try to eat healthy foods and take care of my skin religiously is the way to go.

    4. EXERCISE. FOR. FUCKS. SAKE.

Come on, I need to exercise for fucks sake. I think exercise is one of the most New Year’s Resolutions of people. And even so, that’s one of mine too. Haha. Seriously, I need to get back on track. I miss MMA. I miss boxing. I miss running. Let’s not be such a lazy bum and actually do it, all right?

This my friend, believe it or not, will help me in achieving all of this things. Thoughts grow into reality, never heard of that? List what you wanna happen and trust me, you’ll be on the right track. You’re welcome! 😉

Yet Another Day

Good evening to you Thursday,

You’ve been pretty harsh to me today. You held the promise of finally making me feel better after the last midterm, but why is it that even hours after I got home from school I still feel so drained out and stressed? I feel so stressed actually. It could be because of a lot of things namely studying, working and breathing. How to destress? Oshiete kudasai. It’s a lot to take in being an international student. Maybe it’s just me because my classmates seem to have a bit of a fun in classes every now and then. Should I give up? Should I just keep going, then? But what if it doesn’t make me happy anymore? I’m confused. Does it not make me happy because I didn’t want what I was studying or just because I didn’t get my midterm? Would I say I feel alright if I got the midterm, then? What the fuck? Another day, yet another drama from me as always. I wonder how grown-ups figure it all out? Maybe they haven’t really figure shit out, right? They just go with the flow with life and see how it well turns out for them. If it doesn’t, well no one lives eternally to deal with it anyway. I don’t even know what’s up. Tomorrow, tomorrow…I made plans for tomorrow. I have to go to work as well. It’s nice to be busy. It makes me keep out of my pointless thoughts such as this one I’m writing. I can’t wait for things to be better. Oh yeah, now I remember why I decided to write tonight in the first place. On my way home tonight, I remembered I was feeling very much at peace just months ago. I even wrote that feeling down here. Having that thought, I let out a sudden sigh and asked myself. “Where did that moment go?”. It was just here! Now it’s nowhere to be found LOL. GOD HELP ME. I actually feel a little bit demotivated in making videos. I just couldn’t bring myself to pretend that everything was alright when things are not. But I know I need to get myself together. Don’t be such a pussy is something I would tell a friend if this were this situation. So yes, no time to feel sulky. But then again, it’s all just talk. I really am sad and confused right now.

A Retro Vibe Night

Tonight, I installed to my walls my newly bought string lights. I thought to myself when I saw the item on Miniso that it would add coziness to my room and it’s the season of lights and coziness so why not! Now I have it on the right foot side of my bed forming a heart shape. It glows that it’s the only light illuminating to the room. To give a little more touch to the light, I pop in some dreamy music. I’m loving Lust for Life by Lana del Rey. I feel so light even though I’m sober af right now.

Tomorrow is another weekday start for school. It’s getting late and I’m still enjoying the night. I’d say life’s too short to skip this kind of nights. The nights where you could just be sad and think about things. Not the kind of sadness you get when you failed your exam, but the kind where you think of a memory that makes you miss something. I wonder what life holds me in the future. I wonder if it’s something wonderful. Would it be one? I hope so. I’m so thankful of the blessings I’m receiving right now. I have never been so grateful and happy in my life. I didn’t even expect that these things were possible to even pass by my life if you know what I’m saying.

Sure, there are times when I ask myself if what I’m doing is all worth all the hassle and effort. During those times, I think that it’s important to always remember why I wanted IT to happen in the first place. I always try to remember that giving up does not solve the problem. Sure, I get tired but I just rest not stop. Actually, that was just told to me by a friend. Believe me when I say I’ve been feeling under pressure in this past couple of days that the thought of giving up has crossed my mind more than I can remember. Good thing I have positive people around me to remind me why I started what I am doing now. I’m thankful for them and I think it’s important to surround yourself with positive people that will bring you up and not down.

All right, I think that it is time to sleep. I need to get up early tomorrow and review. Midterm is coming and I need to be prepared. Lessons are getting challenging. I don’t think I can afford to fail ya know. I’d hate to spend any more extra time to study puhlease. Ja, mata ne!

Gee

It’s Gonna Get Better, But It’s Taking Forever

I must have been born sad. I can’t keep up with happiness! That feeling when I’m happy all day and suddenly out of nowhere sadness would wash all over my soul and there’s no stopping it. Is this normal? Sometimes, I wonder if I’m the only person who can experience this. Maybe I just love being sad so much? Is that even possible? Now that I think about it, I love being confined to a small space. Not that it matters to my point, but maybe it has something to do with that. Hmmm, maybe I really was born like this. Is there any way out of this? Don’t get me wrong. I love myself. I feel so blessed. I feel so loved. But I don’t like being sad like this. Not when I don’t know the reason behind my sudden change of mood. I know being sad is sometimes needed in our lives. But in my case, is this really healthy? Will this ever go away? Will this ever hinder me from my true happiness? What is true happiness really? Sigh. Too many questions drowning my head right now.

“In the end, I’m going to be all right” is a thought that I always hold onto. Some might say I’m living my life to the fullest. I am, actually. And I couldn’t be more grateful to everyone, especially God. But I think I’m entitled to feel sad at times and vent at something like this. It’s not like I go around and announce, “Hey, I’m sad. May you be sad as well!” No, not at all. For what it’s worth, I think I give an opposite vibe to everyone else. Well, except my sestra. Sestra knows me too well when there’s something wrong with me.

I missed writing. Glad to be able to talk to you guys again.

Don’t Mind Me. I’m Just Being a Little Too Emotional

Birthday jitters still in my system. But wait, is there even such thing as birthday jitters? Lol. Whatever. It’s currently 11:48 PM and I’m still wide awake. One thing that has changed since I came here in Canada for sure is that I always sleep late. Goodbye 9 PM bedtime. Even if I wanted to sleep at 9 PM, the sun is still out at that time, who can ever sleep with the sun still out?! I’m still quite surprised by my capability of staying this late, ya know. Usually at this late of time, my eyes would be all droopy but nooo. So weird and fun at the same time. I feel so rebellious, actually. I think this is the start of developing my under-eye bags. Eww. But it can’t be help, right? Not unless I really forced myself to sleep, which is what I do sometimes. But see, I come home from school around 8:30 PM. Then, I still have to eat my dinner, talk to my mom, and do my own stuff. So really, it’s not that easy to just force myself to sleep.

And you know what? I just realized how comfortable I am in writing in my blog. It feels so good to let out these frustrations. I know I haven’t been active here or in any other social media because I have been very busy with adjusting and everything, especially with school stuff. There’s really always that one subject that act like they’re the only subject in the world. It annoys the hell out of me, but at the same time, I’m challenged because I haven’t been this busy in a long time. It’s actually fun to be getting annoyed because you’re too busy, right? Hehe. Whatever. But yeah, I don’t even know what I was supposed to talk about. I get distracted so easily. Basically, I just write whatever comes into my mind. No plot or anything like that.

Work. I need to talk about that. Not sure if I have been sharing stuff about my what’s happening with my work. Okay, so I work in a kitchen. Basically, I work in a grocery store. Kinda like what I do in our business back in the Philippines, so the experience is not a total surprise for me. But what makes it really scary is because I have to learn every corner of the kitchen: making a salad, pizza, sushi, coffee and chicken wings. Crazy, right? Frankly, on my first 2 shifts, I almost quit. I was like, “I don’t like this job. I don’t think working in a kitchen is my calling or whatever.” But I virtually hit myself with my nagging. Haha. I told myself to stop being such a baby and just do the job. And now, I am happy I stayed. It’s funny and very interesting. On my second day, I was asked to make pizzas for the opening. I was dumbfounded. I said I didn’t know how to make a pizza. They just let me do everything by myself. I had no idea how I did it, but I did it anyway. And thinking about what I could do is what makes me keep going in this job. It’s not about what kind of specific job I do, but it’s about proving to myself that I am down to anything in this life and that there’s nothing I can’t learn if I put my heart in it. But mostly, I am assigned in the cashier area. So, I make coffees and deal with the customers firsthand. It’s nerve-wracking ’cause most customers are seniors and I get to deal with mostly very meticulous old ladies. It’s scary as hell, but oh well, it’s not gonna kill me to try and just put myself out there, right? This being a working-student has me earned the respect of all the students out there who have been doing this for so long. Because I am telling you, it is not easy to juggle studies and work! Huhuhuhu!

Oh wow, it’s past midnight now. I still have work tomorrow for 8 hours. Good luck to me. And did I mention, I have 700 papers due for the coming days? Good night, you guys.

Thanks for making it this far. I rant too much. I talk too much. But I love you so much for making it this far!

Mwa,

Gureru ♡

June Baby

In the midst of busy schedules and hundreds of homework given, I still have the luxury to space out and feel crazy stupid happy for every once in a while now. It’s nice to feel appreciated and loved by the people around us, right? It’s that season in my life again where every love song makes sense and makes me smile like crazy.

I never thought it’d come to me. But really, who ever expects love to come their way? So, this is what people feel like when they are deeply infatuated with someone. I feel like everything is possible and everything is under my spell, ya know what I mean?—you probably won’t know what I’m talking about! But yeah, I’m probably going to talk about things I can only relate from now on. Hihi.

Anyway, midterm one is finally over! I can take a little breather now. And guys, my birthday is coming up next week. I am so excited. I’m probably the only adult who loves celebrating birthdays. I love getting old, but my mom told me I would be saying otherwise when I turned in my late 20’s. Oh well, we’ll see about that! Joe and I plan to get to the city and explore it a little bit with the bad weather. We originally planned to hike, but due to the bad weather forecast on that day, we’ll just see what the Great Vancity has to offer to this birthday girl.

How is everyone doing these days? I hope you’re feeling inspired and happy like me!

xoxo,

G

May 1st

A bit paralyzed here, so I have all the time and energy to blog. I can’t believe I actually thought I could go walk around the pier today. You might be wondering what’s up with me or not. Either way, I just got my period this morning. The cramps just started a while ago. I had planned on finally walking around the pier area, but I can’t do it with this pain.

I was actually planning on bringing with me my resume and submitting it off to cafes and shops I could passed by. I realized I would want to have my part-time at the bayside. At least, it’ll be a nice view and a nice walk to/from home. It’s not far from where I live, just probably a 10 minute walk. More interesting, imagine the place I’m living in is located in an uphill setting and I have to walk down to get to the beach. The place reminds me of Santa Monica Pier with all the shops along side the long road minus the rides. Lola said it gets pretty busy during summer. I bet it does. Heat only comes once every few months in a year. People would very much like to soak in the sun as much as they can.

Tomorrow would be International Student Orientation at school. I have to wake up early since it’s a one-hour ride from my place. It’s not a total hassle, really. I could sleep the whole 45-minute bus ride and then finally get off to take a two-stops train ride. I’m lucky the bus stop is only 30 second walk from the step on our front door. That way, I don’t have to scurry all the way to the bus stop when I’m in a hurry. I hope tomorrow will be a good day for me. I want to get to know at least five new names tomorrow. Okay, I’m gonna make it a goal for tomorrow. 🙂 Jia You!

And my cramps is just getting worse…

zzzz

 

7th Heaven

Seven-day countdown before I leave for Canada. I’m not sure how long I’ll be there. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to visit the Philippines at least once a year, but maybe it’s not such a bad idea not to. Except, I won’t see my baby sister. She’s the most precious little thing for me right now in my life. And if there could be any reason for me not go is that of her. But I got to do what I got to do. 😟

Even though I know I have little time left here, it still hasn’t entirely dawned on me yet that I will be starting my life again somewhere. I visited a relative today and she said to me, “Aren’t you scared of doing it alone?” I just said, “Not really” which is true. No one can actually be prepared for this kind of thing. I just got to dive head first and act like I know what I’m doing to survive.

I’m excited again to get lost in an unfamiliar city, meet strangers and learn its history. But most of all, to figure life along the way. How lucky I am to be able to find myself while enjoying myself at the same time.

Seven more days to go,

See you, Canada.

xx

04.05.2018

Giving myself a little reminder that it’s better to keep quiet and keep things to yourself. Talking about it makes the situation worse. It’s not like other people has the solution for you. It’s not like other people understand what you’re going through, anyway. It’s not like people actually care about your story. Right?! So better just master the art of shutting the hell up.

But ultimately, I am quite happy and excited for the coming days. I just have a lot on my plate these past few days, but nothing I can’t handle.

Also, I’m wishing someone the happiest birthday today. You should know you hold a special place in my life. You deserve the best, too!

xoxo,

glaire

crazy mofo

Real quick here, I feel that love is both underrated and overrated in so many ways. I was annoyed with how things went today. My day didn’t turn out to be quite as smooth as I hoped it’d be. But this is just another day, right? People can be pretty dense and insensitive talaga. Diba. They don’t even give importance to the things that are important to you. So annoying. I can’t. I’m not even making sense right now. But so is that mofo.

Gee

A Memory I’ll Miss

I positioned myself where I could both hear and see what everybody else is doing. I am having a great day so far. It’s 3 PM and they’re in the middle of fishing some tilapias while I retreat myself in a secluded corner where I can write my thoughts. Today, I came to visit grandmother in Tigaon, a more province place than where I live. Growing up in this town makes me appreciate the simple life and understand the simple ways of life.

Earlier, I walked my bare feet on the soil to get some fresh eggs to the farm. I shrieked loudly like some sassy city girl when my foot submerged to the mud knee-high. It was too late for me to turn back and so I moved forward. It was another humbling experience for me. My uncle has a pool that is 5 feet high. My brother, sister and I ended up cleaning and brushing the pool because we plan on using it. It was so fun exerting such hard work together with them. I will definitely miss this.

This moment is so rare that we’re complete together. Now that we’re growing up, the chances of us getting all complete in one place are thinning. And so, I cherish every moment I get with them that’s why I decided to write down this moment. I always want to take a break from everything that’s happening because I would want this to be remembered forever or even etched somewhere in a writing or a picture. Now, I have to get back and live this moment with them.

I thank you for your precious time for reading this.

Always grateful,

Glaire

Hear The Great News!

Hello, everyone!

As you may know, I have been waiting for my visa decision to come. And it finally came last Thursday. I GOT APPROVAL OF MY STUDENT PERMIT IN CANADA! Wohoooo. The reason I didn’t post it as soon as I got the word is that I was too happy and emotional to do anything else besides BEING HAPPY lol. I literally shouted and cried when I heard the news. It was given to me by Ms. Karen, my visa coordinator.

The very next day I found out that I’m going to Canada, I bought a one-way ticket. I’ll be leaving next month. My summer term won’t start until the month of May, but I want to be able to adjust weeks before my class starts. Besides, I have to settle some things first like my social security number, bank account, and other important stuff.

I feel so blessed that this moment has finally come. I never actually thought about getting it in the first place, I guess, which I know is a total wrong mind set to have. But like I said, I had been down that road before of waiting and being rejected and I was just afraid of getting my hopes up ever again. But I got! I got it. I got it.
Thank you for those who never lose their faith in me. I love you all.

xoxo,

G

I Would If I Could But I Can’t So I Won’t

Why do things have to go so bad, right? Why can’t we just have some consistency in life that we don’t have to adjust and everything? More often than not, life is unfair. I’m pretty sure a lot of people would attest to that one. Life isn’t some kind of a one-way lane for everyone. Instead, it’s all about those crazy intersections that turn green all at once. I honestly thought my life was perfect back when I was a kid. At that time, my perception was blinded by ideal fantasies of what life should be. Until one day, reality finally knocked on my door, tricked me into looking the other way and stabbed me in the back. Life became pretty tricky after that. It seemed like one day I have it all figured out and the next day, it gives me another whole set of challenges from some unknown dimension.

I know perfectly well that life is supposed to be this way, that it’s meant to be this hard and knotty. Because how else am I supposed to appreciate happiness without sadness, right? And so, I don’t even know why I’m still writing my angst and depression despite knowing that life isn’t supposed to be some kind of a fairytale with a happy ending. I’m just so caught up in my emotions right now. It’s all bottled up and I can’t even let it out. I feel like talking about it out loud would be some kind of way of acknowledging that it is happening. And I’m not ready to accept that reality yet, possibly never. I hope for change to come into my life soon that I can selfishly walk away from this and never have to face it. I take it that walking away to the problems won’t solve any of it. But in this case, if I could run away every time at every chance I get, I would.

xx,

gee

FumiShun Base Fan

Wanna know what I’ve been up to lately? Well, I am now a certified first aider. I just finished my training two days ago. It was hella fun, I’m telling ya. So yes, I learned about doing CPR, rescue breathing, bandages and some other basic stuff. Totally amazing! Hahaha. One of my friends told me ‘kung ano ano nalang’ meaning like you’re so random—that’s the closest I could think of a translation lol sorry if it didn’t do any justice. And yes, I was pretty much so bored I thought why not sign up for a first aid class.

Fast forward to now, I’m currently on the road of editing another video. Finally, right? Another inspiration has landed on me and I am not letting it go. That’s according to Big Magic, my new favorite self-guided book. It says that once the inspiration shows up, use it until it leaves you because it’s not going to be with you all the time, which is basically true to me. I don’t always feel the urge to do things just sometimes maybe when I’m being visited by the god of inspiration.

But here’s a hiccup to that, I can’t stop watching vlogs. HAHA. I have this new favorite Japanese vlogger. His YouTube channel name is FumiShun BASE. In such a short span of time, I think I may have already watched almost all of his video. I find him so funny and interesting. Not just that, but I have a crush on Yuyu—not sure if I remember his name correctly—because he kinda reminds me of Oguri Shun, which is another one of my fave Japanese actors. Uggh, Japan. Take me there!!!!

Anyway, I need to work…

Jaaaaa 😫