Not at All Stagnant

I have been working in the kitchen for almost a year and a half now. Recently, I have been working mostly in the salad section, I can’t complain though since I love the early schedule of doing the salad. I could work almost anywhere in the kitchen except for one place: sushi. Funny thing though is that’s the most thing that interests me—you know me, right?—but I could never get that shift. I guess some people—we call them the OGs—really have been working in that area for a long time now that they don’t need new people there. However, for the past 2 months, people have been quitting to the point where it messed everyone’s regular schedule. And you know what they say, things happen when you least expect them…

Brian, my former colleague, taught me how to roll sushi and pack them. It was brief, but it made me so happy. It had been so long since I felt excited in my workplace. A week after that, he quit. Then comes one day when half of the people from the kitchen called in-sick. The cook had no choice but to place me in the sushi section. I was so excited hahaha I couldn’t help smiling while rolling the sushi. First, you grab a nori sheet then grab a handful of sushi rice then spread them atop of the rice. Then, turn it over, place the crab meat, cucumber and avocados inside. Then here comes the tricky part: rolling the sushi without having anything coming out of it and shaping them with the bamboo sushi roller. But oh wait, there’s trickier than that: cutting it! 😹I had to leave that part to my senior since when I cut it, everything comes out on both ends of the roll. But yeah, I had so much fun. Now, I can make my sushi at home.

I went home feeling satisfied and I can’t help but think that it’s been so long since I learned a new thing in my workplace. I just realized I have been so comfortable with what I know now that it never occurred to me that something else could also offer me happiness. Reflecting as I walked back home, I thought of things in terms of where I stand in my life outside my work life. I’ve been preoccupied with studies—as I should be—that it’s kind of hard to see past it. But then I thought, if it was possible for me to feel excited over some simple sushi rolling, then maybe I just needed something new in my life right now. It doesn’t have to be something big but at least something that would make me flinch and say hey this thing makes me weirdly happy. 

Sometimes, we’re just too focused on doing what we know. Sure there’s no harm in doing what we’re good at and harnessing it, but sometimes there’s more to experience outside of what we already know. It’s not necessarily leaving our past and starting anew, but more of expanding that little bubble around us that we call comfort zone and growing out of it. 

 

xoxo

g e e

When It Starts to Hit You Hard

I’m in the middle of the summer break. Not a very long one, but still very much grateful for any kind of short break I could get these days. Besides having short hours of work, which btw means short on cash, my life on break consist mainly of me staying in, editing videos, doing the manual labor of laundry since our washing machine is not working, and lastly the occasional struggle of I-wanna-hang-out-w/-them-but-my-bed-feels-too-good. So basically, that’s what I have been up to the last seven days.

Last night, I had to force myself out of the house and join my friends on a fair called PNE at Vancouver. It basically consists of different events such as concerts, rides, and even museum for kids. We went there for a specific reason and that is to watch 98 degrees live. If you have no idea who are they, then you’re probably way too young to know them. They were widely known as a band back in the 90’s playing R&B music. But honestly, I don’t know much of their songs—I only recognized their super famous songs—because I was only born when they debuted.

So you probably know their famous song I Do (Cherish You). I actually wasn’t familiar with the title at first, but the moment I read the title, I automatically sang it in my mind. Then I thought, I know this! So this was sung by them. That was mainly the song I knew and then I have maybe two other songs that were quite familiar—but not enough for me to sing along with the crowd.

The show starts at 8:30 pm, but we got inside the PNE at 6 pm. I was shocked to see the long queue for the general admission. It’s free, so it’s a bit expected. But nevertheless, still shocked that many people would actually be attending. But hey, I was underestimating the power of older generations. No offense tho, I’m one of them. It was an open-air concert. My friends and I settled inside the concert venue an hour early and seated at the top left part of the crowd. I was observing what kind of audience were coming in: age and ethnicity wise. And I felt a sense of connection with these people because most of them were definitely older than me and I know they’ve been listening to 98 degree’s hits growing up. I may not have the same strong liking of their music, but somehow, I know I was part of that time back then. While searching the crowd, my mind was taken back to the times when some old song would play on the radio and my parents would proudly and dreamily tell us how that song reminded them of their childhood. Back then, I would just nod and smile at them like I know how they’re feeling. Now looking around at the crowd, I understood what my parents were actually talking about. I’m becoming a part of the older generations and that there are younger ones who may find the 98 degree’s coordinate dance moves a bit tacky.

The concert started and they started playing their hits—some of them I know, some of them I had no idea. But the best part was, they didn’t just sing their own songs but also sang other 90’s and early 20’s hits for us. It was so amazing and I felt very proud and nostalgic. I thought at that time, no one could enjoy this better than the ones who have been living our times. There’s so much sense of pride that washed over me that night.

When I think about it, I really am not getting any younger. There’s already a new generation after me. I’m starting to see myself in them and say, “Ha, I was not that mischievous when I was her age.” Like I can hear my mom telling me the same thing haha. It’s not our prime time anymore—not to sound too dramatic. It’s funny, you don’t ever feel like the talk of the town not after you’re not anymore.

All of these are not a bad thing, of course. It just means that life continues just like how it’s been since the beginning of the time. We do our thing in our own time and phasing. And it got me thinking about my transitioning in this life. I know I haven’t been the most decisive person ever, but I feel like it’s an accomplishment somehow that I’m thinking about my life now. It’s better late than never. Twenty-four and counting and I’m looking forward to life ahead of me. I want to live my life the way I want it to be. I feel blessed enough to have people around me who supports me financially and emotionally. Growing up, I am starting to understand people struggle in their own ways. I stopped comparing and saying such thing as, buti pa siya ganito ganyan.

I still got a long way to go in this life. Laban lang.

Love lots,

Gee

Yet Another Day

Good evening to you Thursday,

You’ve been pretty harsh to me today. You held the promise of finally making me feel better after the last midterm, but why is it that even hours after I got home from school I still feel so drained out and stressed? I feel so stressed actually. It could be because of a lot of things namely studying, working and breathing. How to destress? Oshiete kudasai. It’s a lot to take in being an international student. Maybe it’s just me because my classmates seem to have a bit of a fun in classes every now and then. Should I give up? Should I just keep going, then? But what if it doesn’t make me happy anymore? I’m confused. Does it not make me happy because I didn’t want what I was studying or just because I didn’t get my midterm? Would I say I feel alright if I got the midterm, then? What the fuck? Another day, yet another drama from me as always. I wonder how grown-ups figure it all out? Maybe they haven’t really figure shit out, right? They just go with the flow with life and see how it well turns out for them. If it doesn’t, well no one lives eternally to deal with it anyway. I don’t even know what’s up. Tomorrow, tomorrow…I made plans for tomorrow. I have to go to work as well. It’s nice to be busy. It makes me keep out of my pointless thoughts such as this one I’m writing. I can’t wait for things to be better. Oh yeah, now I remember why I decided to write tonight in the first place. On my way home tonight, I remembered I was feeling very much at peace just months ago. I even wrote that feeling down here. Having that thought, I let out a sudden sigh and asked myself. “Where did that moment go?”. It was just here! Now it’s nowhere to be found LOL. GOD HELP ME. I actually feel a little bit demotivated in making videos. I just couldn’t bring myself to pretend that everything was alright when things are not. But I know I need to get myself together. Don’t be such a pussy is something I would tell a friend if this were this situation. So yes, no time to feel sulky. But then again, it’s all just talk. I really am sad and confused right now.

It’s Gonna Get Better, But It’s Taking Forever

I must have been born sad. I can’t keep up with happiness! That feeling when I’m happy all day and suddenly out of nowhere sadness would wash all over my soul and there’s no stopping it. Is this normal? Sometimes, I wonder if I’m the only person who can experience this. Maybe I just love being sad so much? Is that even possible? Now that I think about it, I love being confined to a small space. Not that it matters to my point, but maybe it has something to do with that. Hmmm, maybe I really was born like this. Is there any way out of this? Don’t get me wrong. I love myself. I feel so blessed. I feel so loved. But I don’t like being sad like this. Not when I don’t know the reason behind my sudden change of mood. I know being sad is sometimes needed in our lives. But in my case, is this really healthy? Will this ever go away? Will this ever hinder me from my true happiness? What is true happiness really? Sigh. Too many questions drowning my head right now.

“In the end, I’m going to be all right” is a thought that I always hold onto. Some might say I’m living my life to the fullest. I am, actually. And I couldn’t be more grateful to everyone, especially God. But I think I’m entitled to feel sad at times and vent at something like this. It’s not like I go around and announce, “Hey, I’m sad. May you be sad as well!” No, not at all. For what it’s worth, I think I give an opposite vibe to everyone else. Well, except my sestra. Sestra knows me too well when there’s something wrong with me.

I missed writing. Glad to be able to talk to you guys again.

June Baby

In the midst of busy schedules and hundreds of homework given, I still have the luxury to space out and feel crazy stupid happy for every once in a while now. It’s nice to feel appreciated and loved by the people around us, right? It’s that season in my life again where every love song makes sense and makes me smile like crazy.

I never thought it’d come to me. But really, who ever expects love to come their way? So, this is what people feel like when they are deeply infatuated with someone. I feel like everything is possible and everything is under my spell, ya know what I mean?—you probably won’t know what I’m talking about! But yeah, I’m probably going to talk about things I can only relate from now on. Hihi.

Anyway, midterm one is finally over! I can take a little breather now. And guys, my birthday is coming up next week. I am so excited. I’m probably the only adult who loves celebrating birthdays. I love getting old, but my mom told me I would be saying otherwise when I turned in my late 20’s. Oh well, we’ll see about that! Joe and I plan to get to the city and explore it a little bit with the bad weather. We originally planned to hike, but due to the bad weather forecast on that day, we’ll just see what the Great Vancity has to offer to this birthday girl.

How is everyone doing these days? I hope you’re feeling inspired and happy like me!

xoxo,

G

7th Heaven

Seven-day countdown before I leave for Canada. I’m not sure how long I’ll be there. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to visit the Philippines at least once a year, but maybe it’s not such a bad idea not to. Except, I won’t see my baby sister. She’s the most precious little thing for me right now in my life. And if there could be any reason for me not go is that of her. But I got to do what I got to do. 😟

Even though I know I have little time left here, it still hasn’t entirely dawned on me yet that I will be starting my life again somewhere. I visited a relative today and she said to me, “Aren’t you scared of doing it alone?” I just said, “Not really” which is true. No one can actually be prepared for this kind of thing. I just got to dive head first and act like I know what I’m doing to survive.

I’m excited again to get lost in an unfamiliar city, meet strangers and learn its history. But most of all, to figure life along the way. How lucky I am to be able to find myself while enjoying myself at the same time.

Seven more days to go,

See you, Canada.

xx

Hear The Great News!

Hello, everyone!

As you may know, I have been waiting for my visa decision to come. And it finally came last Thursday. I GOT APPROVAL OF MY STUDENT PERMIT IN CANADA! Wohoooo. The reason I didn’t post it as soon as I got the word is that I was too happy and emotional to do anything else besides BEING HAPPY lol. I literally shouted and cried when I heard the news. It was given to me by Ms. Karen, my visa coordinator.

The very next day I found out that I’m going to Canada, I bought a one-way ticket. I’ll be leaving next month. My summer term won’t start until the month of May, but I want to be able to adjust weeks before my class starts. Besides, I have to settle some things first like my social security number, bank account, and other important stuff.

I feel so blessed that this moment has finally come. I never actually thought about getting it in the first place, I guess, which I know is a total wrong mind set to have. But like I said, I had been down that road before of waiting and being rejected and I was just afraid of getting my hopes up ever again. But I got! I got it. I got it.
Thank you for those who never lose their faith in me. I love you all.

xoxo,

G

12.03.17

A quick Sunday realization…

Today I wrote on my notebook diary and it was mostly an update about what happened the last few days. I was quite surprised to have found myself saying positive thoughts of life despite the hardship that I am facing. I like the person I have become over the last months and I wouldn’t certainly be in a good place if it weren’t for the unfortunate and fortunate circumstances that contribute to where I am right now. So, I am mostly grateful for the bad things that had happened to me over the past months bc it made me stronger and realize my worth. I just feel different this time, I don’t quite know how to explain it. Just that I like this present me than the old version of me.

For my readers, have a blessed Sunday and be grateful for today.

As Friends or As Lovers?

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In life, it’s seldom we found someone who gets us. Someone who we instantly love the moment we meet them. It’s such a rare occasion that when that certain person comes, we grab them and make sure they feel safe and loved. In most cases, people expect this to advance into some kind of romantic intimacy—which is ridiculous, really. On the other hand, it may lead to a long-life friendship. So let me throw a question, if you meet someone who really gets your vibe and interests in life, what kind of relationship would your inner-self choose to have with that someone—as a friend or a lover? It’s a tricky question, I know. The answer gets complicated the more you think about it. Ha.

My answer? I always go for friendship. But isn’t that always the case or mostly how it is for everyone? I mean, doesn’t a relationship begins at something before being lovers? And there’s nothing quite like how we, Millennials, deal with being in a ‘relationship’. There are even the so-called stages of relationship amongst 20-somethings that start out as being friends > talking stage > friends with benefits > hooking up > dating > exclusivity/to being lover. It’s one hella ride  for young people to be in love, nowadays. No wonder Millennials are tagged to be the worst generation and no doubt about how older generations are laughing at us right now.

Having a fair share of my being part of the Millennial generation, I’ve experienced this roller coaster ride of being in a relationship myself. The one thing I can say is it’s just not for me. I might have done it wrong but I’ve had enough for now. I’ll choose friendship over love not because it will be the safe choice but because I’ve been there done thatrelationship thing and now I know better than to risk any good friendship with love. I’m not saying I’m all closed door for finding love but it’s not something that I am expecting to come in my life anytime soon. Setting my mind to that note, it keeps me from jumping to conclusions and expecting to find love in every guy that I meet. At the same time, without the expectations of any kind, it lets me create a deeper connection with someone I truly find interesting. It’s like I don’t have to worry about being the perfect girl because who’s judging, right? 🙂 No one but a good friend of mine.

Lovers just take it to different level, you know? Sure, there’s no doubt about how colorful our lives when they are there. No one can actually make us feel the same way that they do to us. It’s magical and how we wish it would never end. But have you had any relationship with someone that it ended badly, but then you realize you were so good together as friends than lovers, that you wish you could turn back time and just be friends instead? It’s a shame, isn’t it? Makes you regret just enough to wish for things to go back to the way you were as friends. That’s why I’ll always choose friendship over love.

Some people ask me what if you could have found your true happiness with that someone, but you settled as friends so you ended up throwing away the one shot deal? Honestly, I’m not worried. I’ve never been worried about missing my chances at being happy with someone because I know it’s not something that I could never find in myself. I produce my own sunshine and happiness. We all do! It’s on me to share it to other people. I never needed someone to make me feel whole because I am complete whether someone is holding my hand or not.

So what I need is a friend who knows me well, who’ll understand my tantrums and deal with it. Someone I can laugh with and share my stories with. A friend who I can talk whatever with no boundaries whatsoever. A friend who can be my plus one in parties and get drunk with. One who’ll ask me to a slow dance even with a pop music playing. A guy my parents can be comfortable with. Just someone who gets me. I have always believed that two opposite genders can have a platonic relationship. Being anything more than friends is just another label. What matters is the strong foundation and relationship I have with that person. If it turns out that my best friend is the one, wouldn’t that be great?! But if not, a best friend for life is not a loss love at all.

Choose carefully. And learn to love yourself.

xoxo,

G

Happy 1st Year Driving Anniversary turns into Happy Lost License Anniversary

Great! My driver’s license had just lost this morning or afternoon. Maybe in my friend’s house? SM? On my way home? Car? I don’t know when or where it happened. One thing I know is that I was so stupid to even brought than license with me. I mean I know I won’t drive this day so why the hell did I even brought it with me. Gwaaaaaaaaaad! Help me please! I don’t know if I should tell my mom about this now. You know, my mom is still quite upset about my hanging out with my friends cause today I was supposed to be with my family. It’s Penafrancia Fiesta today so I was invited to many of my friend’s house. ANYWAY! now that I remember today is my 1st year anniversary of my driving! Ugggggggggh! I hate it! Why now!!!!!!! Do I have to tell my mom about this? I mean I plan to tell her about this BUT when?!!!!!!! OOOOOH this is killing me! I don’t know if I could even sleep tonight! OH MYYYYYYYYY! I’m having a heart attack! What would my mom say????? And she’ll think that I’m an irresponsible-soon-to-be-in-legal-age-girl and to banned me from driving and….and…and…. I’ll be forever doomeeeeeeed!

Wish me for the better I guess?

P.S.

WHAT DO I DOOOOOOOOOO?