Hello, Vancouver!

Date of arrival: April 18, 2018 11:00AM
Blog Entry Date: April 19, 2018 4:00 AM

Hello!

If you’re reading this, that means I got connected to the internet. It’s kind of crazy how there’s no wifi in where I stay. But it’s not the end of the world—calmly telling myself the same thing since I came here.

So, it’s been 2 days since I last saw my family and a day since I saw my friend, Tacky. I didn’t go straight to Vancouver. Instead, I had my layover in Japan for a day and spent my time with a friend. I still can’t believe I’ve been to Japan already! Ugh. I wish I had more time to explore that amazing country. And I will make that possible, just not now. Right now, I have to apply for a carrier plan. Lol. I need internet, puhlease. Yesterday, when I came at my place and found at that there’s no wifi access, I was screaming loudly at my head like, “How could there no be internet?!” And I was trying to calm myself saying that this is only my first day and it couldn’t be that bad YET.

It’s currently 4:02 AM. I woke up an hour ago because I was freezing. I had to get up, turn on the heater, put on socks and grab a jacket. Haha, this is so typical of me. I remember when I was in Chicago, I would do the same thing and cover my entire self. I was trying to vlog, so I turned on the lamp beside me. Five seconds later, the heater suddenly gave a beep and both the lights and the heater were turned off. Just great. I guess it must have been a short circuit or something. Great, just when I needed the heater the most.

There’s a big window on my room that gives me an overlooking view of the nature outside. I live on the 4th floor, I think. When I got up earlier, I was surprised to see the stars. So peaceful. I guess, there isn’t much light pollution to this neighbourhood.

I don’t feel particularly sad or miss home that much now. The only thing that I feel right now is this little panic attack I’m having because there’s no internet. No internet means no Google Maps on my phone and there’s no way to know where to go. I guess I’m going to have to come up with a plan of my own. But that’s fine. Everything will be fine, my dear.

I’m getting sleepy again, so I might go back to sleep…

Until then,

g

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7th Heaven

Seven-day countdown before I leave for Canada. I’m not sure how long I’ll be there. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to visit the Philippines at least once a year, but maybe it’s not such a bad idea not to. Except, I won’t see my baby sister. She’s the most precious little thing for me right now in my life. And if there could be any reason for me not go is that of her. But I got to do what I got to do. 😟

Even though I know I have little time left here, it still hasn’t entirely dawned on me yet that I will be starting my life again somewhere. I visited a relative today and she said to me, “Aren’t you scared of doing it alone?” I just said, “Not really” which is true. No one can actually be prepared for this kind of thing. I just got to dive head first and act like I know what I’m doing to survive.

I’m excited again to get lost in an unfamiliar city, meet strangers and learn its history. But most of all, to figure life along the way. How lucky I am to be able to find myself while enjoying myself at the same time.

Seven more days to go,

See you, Canada.

xx

04.05.2018

Giving myself a little reminder that it’s better to keep quiet and keep things to yourself. Talking about it makes the situation worse. It’s not like other people has the solution for you. It’s not like other people understand what you’re going through, anyway. It’s not like people actually care about your story. Right?! So better just master the art of shutting the hell up.

But ultimately, I am quite happy and excited for the coming days. I just have a lot on my plate these past few days, but nothing I can’t handle.

Also, I’m wishing someone the happiest birthday today. You should know you hold a special place in my life. You deserve the best, too!

xoxo,

glaire

crazy mofo

Real quick here, I feel that love is both underrated and overrated in so many ways. I was annoyed with how things went today. My day didn’t turn out to be quite as smooth as I hoped it’d be. But this is just another day, right? People can be pretty dense and insensitive talaga. Diba. They don’t even give importance to the things that are important to you. So annoying. I can’t. I’m not even making sense right now. But so is that mofo.

Gee

A Memory I’ll Miss

I positioned myself where I could both hear and see what everybody else is doing. I am having a great day so far. It’s 3 PM and they’re in the middle of fishing some tilapias while I retreat myself in a secluded corner where I can write my thoughts. Today, I came to visit grandmother in Tigaon, a more province place than where I live. Growing up in this town makes me appreciate the simple life and understand the simple ways of life.

Earlier, I walked my bare feet on the soil to get some fresh eggs to the farm. I shrieked loudly like some sassy city girl when my foot submerged to the mud knee-high. It was too late for me to turn back and so I moved forward. It was another humbling experience for me. My uncle has a pool that is 5 feet high. My brother, sister and I ended up cleaning and brushing the pool because we plan on using it. It was so fun exerting such hard work together with them. I will definitely miss this.

This moment is so rare that we’re complete together. Now that we’re growing up, the chances of us getting all complete in one place are thinning. And so, I cherish every moment I get with them that’s why I decided to write down this moment. I always want to take a break from everything that’s happening because I would want this to be remembered forever or even etched somewhere in a writing or a picture. Now, I have to get back and live this moment with them.

I thank you for your precious time for reading this.

Always grateful,

Glaire

Hear The Great News!

Hello, everyone!

As you may know, I have been waiting for my visa decision to come. And it finally came last Thursday. I GOT APPROVAL OF MY STUDENT PERMIT IN CANADA! Wohoooo. The reason I didn’t post it as soon as I got the word is that I was too happy and emotional to do anything else besides BEING HAPPY lol. I literally shouted and cried when I heard the news. It was given to me by Ms. Karen, my visa coordinator.

The very next day I found out that I’m going to Canada, I bought a one-way ticket. I’ll be leaving next month. My summer term won’t start until the month of May, but I want to be able to adjust weeks before my class starts. Besides, I have to settle some things first like my social security number, bank account, and other important stuff.

I feel so blessed that this moment has finally come. I never actually thought about getting it in the first place, I guess, which I know is a total wrong mind set to have. But like I said, I had been down that road before of waiting and being rejected and I was just afraid of getting my hopes up ever again. But I got! I got it. I got it.
Thank you for those who never lose their faith in me. I love you all.

xoxo,

G

I Would If I Could But I Can’t So I Won’t

Why do things have to go so bad, right? Why can’t we just have some consistency in life that we don’t have to adjust and everything? More often than not, life is unfair. I’m pretty sure a lot of people would attest to that one. Life isn’t some kind of a one-way lane for everyone. Instead, it’s all about those crazy intersections that turn green all at once. I honestly thought my life was perfect back when I was a kid. At that time, my perception was blinded by ideal fantasies of what life should be. Until one day, reality finally knocked on my door, tricked me into looking the other way and stabbed me in the back. Life became pretty tricky after that. It seemed like one day I have it all figured out and the next day, it gives me another whole set of challenges from some unknown dimension.

I know perfectly well that life is supposed to be this way, that it’s meant to be this hard and knotty. Because how else am I supposed to appreciate happiness without sadness, right? And so, I don’t even know why I’m still writing my angst and depression despite knowing that life isn’t supposed to be some kind of a fairytale with a happy ending. I’m just so caught up in my emotions right now. It’s all bottled up and I can’t even let it out. I feel like talking about it out loud would be some kind of way of acknowledging that it is happening. And I’m not ready to accept that reality yet, possibly never. I hope for change to come into my life soon that I can selfishly walk away from this and never have to face it. I take it that walking away to the problems won’t solve any of it. But in this case, if I could run away every time at every chance I get, I would.

xx,

gee

FumiShun Base Fan

Wanna know what I’ve been up to lately? Well, I am now a certified first aider. I just finished my training two days ago. It was hella fun, I’m telling ya. So yes, I learned about doing CPR, rescue breathing, bandages and some other basic stuff. Totally amazing! Hahaha. One of my friends told me ‘kung ano ano nalang’ meaning like you’re so random—that’s the closest I could think of a translation lol sorry if it didn’t do any justice. And yes, I was pretty much so bored I thought why not sign up for a first aid class.

Fast forward to now, I’m currently on the road of editing another video. Finally, right? Another inspiration has landed on me and I am not letting it go. That’s according to Big Magic, my new favorite self-guided book. It says that once the inspiration shows up, use it until it leaves you because it’s not going to be with you all the time, which is basically true to me. I don’t always feel the urge to do things just sometimes maybe when I’m being visited by the god of inspiration.

But here’s a hiccup to that, I can’t stop watching vlogs. HAHA. I have this new favorite Japanese vlogger. His YouTube channel name is FumiShun BASE. In such a short span of time, I think I may have already watched almost all of his video. I find him so funny and interesting. Not just that, but I have a crush on Yuyu—not sure if I remember his name correctly—because he kinda reminds me of Oguri Shun, which is another one of my fave Japanese actors. Uggh, Japan. Take me there!!!!

Anyway, I need to work…

Jaaaaa 😫

Kind of Sad

As per usual, Saturday is being spent productively on my bed, not with someone though, but just with my laptop. You have a dirty mind. I woke pretty early just because I always have my alarm set at 5:50 am, which I always plan on like taking that alarm setting off but nevertheless always fails to do it, anyway. So we had our breakfast as a family together. Finally, my mom is having a late breakfast with us and not rushing to get to the store. She left it in charge with someone for today, just so she can at least spend a peaceful morning not scurrying around like a woman on fire. I decided not to come with her to the store for today, instead, I just cleaned my room early this morning after she left with Shobe. I was kind of like planning on filming something for today but then there were calls on the queue and I had to work on it—it’s an online job.

Besides that, everything seems to be normal nowadays. Well, except for my never-ending anxiousness about the waiting game on my visa. But I’m learning to throw my IDGAF attitude on it little by little or else I might die in my sleep if I don’t stop this torture. I do have another thing going on, but it’s very personal. And it’s bothering me too.

Remember when I mentioned about my inner peace being one of those calm before the storm kind of thing? I’m kind of getting the vibe that there is a huge wave coming on my way and that I am both furious and scared for it.

Also, a bit realization I’ve been having has been on my mind lately. I’ve only known a couple of people who really stood out in my life and have/had a really great connection with me. Some are still present in my life and some has gone with the wind. Unfortunately, even with friends, there aren’t always happy endings. It’s not just romance that ends up sabotaging the relationship, but even mere friends do that. Friends are capable of hurting you, loving you and making you feel like you don’t need anyone but them. And when you got hurt by them, you think about how it would be nice to have never met them at the first place and that you wouldn’t have this scarred memories for life if you hadn’t known them at all. Then, I think about what was my life before them? Not to say nothing, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t have the time of my life with them. My life was pretty quiet for sure without them, but I know I would have chosen crazy over boring any time, anyway. And so bottom line, I probably shouldn’t shut myself out too much with people because I know they give so much life to me. And that one bad experience shouldn’t ruin my trust with others.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read.

As always,

Arigatou.

Can Too Much Anticipation Kill?

I cannot wait for my application to be done with. I just got the tracking number to track my application just the other day, and I’ve been checking on it since then. I know it doesn’t make sense to worry and write things about this, but I am freaking out. I am sick, like literally, and all I could think about is if I’m approved or not. It’s been close to a month since I last worked out, which was crazy because I have been leaning more into meat and rice for the last couple of days. I’m not that worried yet about my weight, but I’m concerned a little bit about my health. I need to move and exercise more. But right now, I’m sick and exerting more effort won’t do any good for my body.

So I busy myself with cleaning my room, organizing my stuff, writing in my journal, revamping my blog and watching a bunch of tutorials. I should really start making that video on our La Union trip, but I just don’t get that inspiration yet. All of the videos I made were made out of sheer inspiration if that makes sense. I don’t like ‘trying’ to make a video. I do it when I want to and I feel like doing it. I don’t do it for the sake just to have a video coming out of a trip.

I think there are things that I wanted to share and do right now, but something is holding me back. And that’s the fear of not being able to get a student permit. I kinda feel everything is put on hold before the decision and that I could only resume my normal life once it has been decided.

If you’ve been reading my previous posts about me having that inner peace, well that’s not true anymore. HAHAHA. Who am I kidding? I’m not at peace, yo! I can’t even do the one thing that I’m good at and that’s sleeping early. Now, I can’t do that. 12 am is usually when drowsiness hits me and that’s not even good for my low blood pressure. Anyhow, I still have a month to wait. AND THIS IS KILLING ME, YOU THINK?!

xoxo,

glaire 😦

02.13.2018

Bonjour, ça va?

Today, today, today, today. Today, I opened the store and mom took the day off. I had a rough morning, to begin with! I ended up messing the computer server, so I had no choice but to call and ask for my mom’s help. I was losing it very much. Do you ever have times when everything just goes wrong and you’re not even lifting a finger to cause anything at all? Like the disaster just comes to you. I just had my freaking period, what could have been triggering me? And I’m eating a lot too, more than my usual.

A friend today even provoke the crap out of me and bitch I played it cool. I wouldn’t stoop lower just for you. On the other side of this thing, I’m actually glad I’m finally mad at this person. Like you know what? I’ve had enough of your bullshit. The magic is gone and I’m not about to make you make me feel any lesser now.

On a lighter note, the medical clinic I had been exchanging emails about my medical status had finally submitted my application to the embassy. I can’t believe it. This was what I had been hoping and waiting for, for the last 6 months, and now it has been done. Thank you, self, for being strong and believing in your own capability that you can go through it. And we did. I did it. Now, the only thing to wait for is the decision for my student permit. I have not been wanting to write something about my anticipation for the visa decision because I felt like in some ways, I was going to jinx it, but fuck it. I have been also researching about my future stay in Canada like my place to stay, part-time jobs, activities to do, and some basic stuff. But at the same time, this feels a little scary doing this because I’ve been on this road before. I had done my research and whatnot, only to be crushed by the news that I was sick. And so, as I am in this road again, I always, always begin with telling myself that if, for some reason, things could go wrong again, I should be mentally and emotionally be prepared about it.

You see, most of the time, in most things in life, it’s not a straight path at all. Most times, it’s a struggle between being an optimist and a realist. You can’t just stay positive and not think about all the possible negative outcomes that could happen. Likewise, you can’t just be dreading and hoping for the worst because the way of thoughts and the way of actions are two intertwined things in this universe. And so right now, I am all over the places. I see now that that’s probably the reason why I’m a walking ticking bomb lately. This is that final point where I know that either of two things in my life is about to happen. Either I chase my dream to Canada and have the life I want or I stay and make it work here. And I am not going to lie that as much as I stay positive and all that shit, I do think about the idea of not getting a yes on a student permit. Of course, I think about that all the time. I even get nights now where my late-night thoughts are consumed by this horrible possibility. It’s scaring the fuck out of me, okay? Forgive me for the outburst of profanities here.

On a much much happy note, today is my baby brother’s birthday! 🙂 He just turned 15, but he looks so grown up now. What is it with young kids looking and acting so mature at a young age? When I was at his age, I was proudly showing my flabs to my friends. But kids these days, they make out the majority of every gym spaces right now. I can’t even. Or I’m just getting old and starting to be one of those old people who constantly compare themselves to younger generations like, ugh kids these days don’t even talk in person but just plant their faces on their phones. Lol. But I am a proud ate with my siblings. They are the kinds of kids parents are praying for to have. So I will be closing the store early because we’ll be having a small family dinner.

This is a lengthy post now, I know. But on my defense, this is to make up for the days when I have such intense thoughts that I couldn’t even write what those are about. I just wanted to say more about how I’m hoping, really hoping for the best for me. And that is to get my student permit. I don’t want to let this opportunity pass and regret it for the rest of my life. It’s just that now that I am 22—the average age of a graduate student—I wanted to be able to start and focus on things, career-wise. And yes, it’s starting to dawn on me that I’m an adult now, that I have to be responsible for my own and start to take care of other people too. I’m glad that I have these options to choose from like having to study abroad and not be forced to work and be financially responsible for my family. For this, I am eternally blessed in more ways I could ever imagine. I pray that whatever the future holds, there would be guidance to walk me through this life.

Finally, I won’t be posting for another week or so. I will be celebrating this coming long weekend with my friends at La Union for 3 days. Should be one hella weekend. But I mean, it’s totally going to be a wholesome weekend getaway for me, since I’m not up for some wild nights. I don’t even drink anymore. I’m afraid I won’t really keep up with people having fun if I’m sober, so I definitely arranged my budget on food twice as high than I normally would because I would have to busy myself eating than be drinking mojitos.

Wow, you’ve made it this far?! Kudos to you. Thank you so much for reading my lengthy blog post. Leave a comment down below on what your plans for the upcoming long weekend or just about anything at all. I’d like to get to know my readers better. And I don’t bite. *wink*

salut à mes lecteurs

Glaire

01.29.12

Kind of hard to find some inspiration to write these days. I always get that short span of the excitement of wanting to write something then ends up losing interest in a few sentences. But tonight, I think I could hold up to say a few things.

I’m finally done with meds. Thank you. 🙂 Just thinking about it makes me smile so freaking much. I’ll be having my last doctor’s appointment in a week. Hopefully, it’ll be a positive last check-up. Or else, it’ll tear me to pieces for real. Anyway, we’ll see, okay? No need to worry about something I don’t control.

This morning, I was about to start working when I saw my name at the top of the page. Your girl is on the top list, TOP 1. Hahaha. Who would have thought?! Certainly, not me. In fact, I was kind of worried before the cut off since I know I didn’t get the quota for the bonus and thought it was such a waste. But alas, I made it to the top even. It’s funny and amazing at the same time. Hihi.

What else…

Oh right. A few days left for the first month of 2018. Wow, right? Glad I was invited by my friends to go out of the town for a few days for the coming month. so at least there’d be a change of view for a while. I’m just quite worried I might not have that much fun and I might be such a downer for them, you know what I mean? I just got out of meds and basically, I can’t have too much fun yet and I don’t think I’m ready to jump into my old habits just yet. But I tried to ignore those nudging thoughts when I said yes to them, I know I need this to get past this phase. Besides, what could go wrong with a little out of town, right?

Also, quite a bit sad but I’m overall fine. I think it’s perfectly normal to be sad sometimes, just to acknowledge that everything doesn’t always have to work out the way you always wanted it to be and to still be grateful for that. I just…I don’t know. You know how things led to something that consequently made you think of something or someone? Yup, you get me. I guess, I just thought of the people that used to be part of my life, how easy and happy it was, how I never thought it was possible for me to say goodbye to them for good. Maybe not necessarily for good, but like it could never be as good as before. You know what I mean? I know I’ll move on. I always do. We always do. Just that at this moment, being sad sometimes is the only way to relive the memories and maybe think about where I went wrong and maybe help me reevaluate myself. This kind of moments will always be part of me until I’m not thinking about it anymore. Until it becomes one of those long lost childhood memories that you came to faintly remember 15 years later and you’ll be like oh yeah, I think that happened.

glaire

Hurdle Number 1 in 2018

My first hurdle of the year came this morning at my email. I was removed from the online job that I was with since last December. It’s funny because today marks the first month that I’d be working with them. I emailed them for a dispute, of course. I wanted to fight, at least, if they were to throw me out of their team. But if after that still nada, then that’s fine. It happens for a reason. Although, this morning I was really feeling blue and a bit angry. But then, I shared the news with my mom and she just know what to say. She makes everything so easy. It’s as if everything she says make sense. It’s absolutely amazing how she can do that.

Anyway, I’m currently at a cafe. Just by myself. Yep. I’ve always wanted to do this! Alone in a secluded cafe with my laptop and diary at the side table sipping coffee and eating cake. Gosh but damn that’s expensive. AHHAHAH. So yes, here I am and literally only the person in the cafe. The reason being is that I needed to download an application and the internet back home is just not helping me get that. To my dismay though, it seems like the internet in this cafe is slower than my grandma. I can’t. I’m happy that I finally did the be-in-a-secluded-cafe but come on, man, I came with a purpose. Good thing, dad called and said the electricity’s back at his place. I guess, it’s time so say good bye to this cute-but-has-shitty-internet cafe. Ciao.

 

‘Tis The Season For Love ❤

5 more days until the hanging of stockings. I wish my Santa won’t be cheap this year. Hahaha I am just dropping by. I decided that I will be leaving a little realization every day until Christmas to talk about my learnings or just what I feel about. Also, taking a little bit break from all the work and stuff.

With the recent events, I’ve never been happy, motivated and excited in a very long time. I just wish that everyone is feeling the same thing that I do especially it’s Christmas season. No matter how cliché that sounds, ’tis the season for love, and we should all try to at least be happy and welcome the New Year with a good vibe. I know I wouldn’t have said it 3 years ago when I was feeling miserable and empty, but now I’m just very grateful it happened. It wasn’t exactly what I had been picturing when I was a kid on how I would be as an adult. It’s true, it has been a little bit bumpy on my journey—hell, most of the times, I was and still am just confused as to whether take a left or right—but no one ever claimed that life is a no-brainer. So there you go. I’m clinging to life as much as possible and making the most out of it. Haha I mean, I don’t know about making the most out of it for now. But I am at peace—at the moment, I guess—and I know a lot of people don’t have that, so I’m thankful.

Arigatou.
Ho Ho Ho,
G

Last Half Month of 2017

Hooray for finally making another blog update on this site. I may have been a little bit obsessed with some freelance work. And it’s all thanks to Saki! Thank you, haha!

Let’s see, 10 days before Christmas…Who’s getting excited?! I am not that hype up about it, though. I mean, the food is definitely something to look forward to but my fam isn’t too big on gift givings—and that’s just my main concern, really. But yes, all is good. Meanwhile, I didn’t enroll in MMA this month because I feel like I’d be wasting my money on this holiday season. You know how it is with the Filipinos and their holiday celebrations. The food, the bonding, the everything. One day just won’t suffice for it all so better save my precious money for next year. Also, I’ve been in contact with my agent again regarding with my visa documents. A few more requirements but I should be fine by next month. And of course, December won’t be complete y’all if it didn’t have a storm coming up on our country. So, everyone’s locked up in their houses because the weather is starting to get bad. No classes but hopefully it doesn’t get bad as last year because that’s just too much.

So there you go, a quickie update for y’all. I hope you guys are having an awesome day night or whatever! 🙂 Stay safe and dry! Love ya. 🙂

 

xoxo,

G