Don’t Mind Me. I’m Just Being a Little Too Emotional

Birthday jitters still in my system. But wait, is there even such thing as birthday jitters? Lol. Whatever. It’s currently 11:48 PM and I’m still wide awake. One thing that has changed since I came here in Canada for sure is that I always sleep late. Goodbye 9 PM bedtime. Even if I wanted to sleep at 9 PM, the sun is still out at that time, who can ever sleep with the sun still out?! I’m still quite surprised by my capability of staying this late, ya know. Usually at this late of time, my eyes would be all droopy but nooo. So weird and fun at the same time. I feel so rebellious, actually. I think this is the start of developing my under-eye bags. Eww. But it can’t be help, right? Not unless I really forced myself to sleep, which is what I do sometimes. But see, I come home from school around 8:30 PM. Then, I still have to eat my dinner, talk to my mom, and do my own stuff. So really, it’s not that easy to just force myself to sleep.

And you know what? I just realized how comfortable I am in writing in my blog. It feels so good to let out these frustrations. I know I haven’t been active here or in any other social media because I have been very busy with adjusting and everything, especially with school stuff. There’s really always that one subject that act like they’re the only subject in the world. It annoys the hell out of me, but at the same time, I’m challenged because I haven’t been this busy in a long time. It’s actually fun to be getting annoyed because you’re too busy, right? Hehe. Whatever. But yeah, I don’t even know what I was supposed to talk about. I get distracted so easily. Basically, I just write whatever comes into my mind. No plot or anything like that.

Work. I need to talk about that. Not sure if I have been sharing stuff about my what’s happening with my work. Okay, so I work in a kitchen. Basically, I work in a grocery store. Kinda like what I do in our business back in the Philippines, so the experience is not a total surprise for me. But what makes it really scary is because I have to learn every corner of the kitchen: making a salad, pizza, sushi, coffee and chicken wings. Crazy, right? Frankly, on my first 2 shifts, I almost quit. I was like, “I don’t like this job. I don’t think working in a kitchen is my calling or whatever.” But I virtually hit myself with my nagging. Haha. I told myself to stop being such a baby and just do the job. And now, I am happy I stayed. It’s funny and very interesting. On my second day, I was asked to make pizzas for the opening. I was dumbfounded. I said I didn’t know how to make a pizza. They just let me do everything by myself. I had no idea how I did it, but I did it anyway. And thinking about what I could do is what makes me keep going in this job. It’s not about what kind of specific job I do, but it’s about proving to myself that I am down to anything in this life and that there’s nothing I can’t learn if I put my heart in it. But mostly, I am assigned in the cashier area. So, I make coffees and deal with the customers firsthand. It’s nerve-wracking ’cause most customers are seniors and I get to deal with mostly very meticulous old ladies. It’s scary as hell, but oh well, it’s not gonna kill me to try and just put myself out there, right? This being a working-student has me earned the respect of all the students out there who have been doing this for so long. Because I am telling you, it is not easy to juggle studies and work! Huhuhuhu!

Oh wow, it’s past midnight now. I still have work tomorrow for 8 hours. Good luck to me. And did I mention, I have 700 papers due for the coming days? Good night, you guys.

Thanks for making it this far. I rant too much. I talk too much. But I love you so much for making it this far!

Mwa,

Gureru ♡

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Turning 23

Today is the day after my birthday. I basically celebrated a three-day birthday here in Canada. I celebrated a day earlier because my birthday comes first in the Philippines then the next day as my current birthday then today as the last day where everyone thinks it’s still my birthday. Joe kept pampering me. She gave me a cake earlier. SO SWEET! Also, it was her turn to treat me a Starbucks coffee and she fed me lunch. Hahaha. We’re sisters pala. Someone told us the other day when we were at the museum for my birthday. A guard, actually a fellow Filipino, asked us if we were siblings. We were shocked to know we have resemblance haha! Oh well. Life’s fun as hell with her. Glad I get to spend my 2 years studying with this crazy.

Anyway, I just turned 23. I feel hmmmm old? Not yet, really. It hasn’t dawned on me yet.😛 I don’t think 23 is that old, except maybe sometimes I feel as though I’m really old already because I’m not even sure what I’m doing with my life. And it seems like other people have it all figured out. But do they, really?

As I get old, I learn to be bolder and go for the things that make me happy. Every day I get to realize the things and people that matter and that way I’m able to work that relationship more for a stronger future with them diba. These recent events make me also realize how lucky I am. Even though studying isn’t something that I’m very thrilled to be back in my life, just thinking about what I have and what others don’t, make me appreciate it now. And now, I’m starting to get the groove of everything. There are lesser ungrateful things coming out of my mouth instead, more appreciation of what I have is what I practice every day.

To being 23, to being able to come this far, to being able to survive shitload of crap since I was born, to being able to stand up and cry and laugh after bad encounters, here I am writing this to myself. Most importantly, to being the person I am now, to being the clueless girl yet continues to find the answer to every little thing that confuses me, to being the weirdest girl I can be, to being the most sweetest daughter to my parents—I try, okay—, Happy Birthday, self! 🙂

looking forward to more birthdays hunney,

Glaire

June Baby

In the midst of busy schedules and hundreds of homework given, I still have the luxury to space out and feel crazy stupid happy for every once in a while now. It’s nice to feel appreciated and loved by the people around us, right? It’s that season in my life again where every love song makes sense and makes me smile like crazy.

I never thought it’d come to me. But really, who ever expects love to come their way? So, this is what people feel like when they are deeply infatuated with someone. I feel like everything is possible and everything is under my spell, ya know what I mean?—you probably won’t know what I’m talking about! But yeah, I’m probably going to talk about things I can only relate from now on. Hihi.

Anyway, midterm one is finally over! I can take a little breather now. And guys, my birthday is coming up next week. I am so excited. I’m probably the only adult who loves celebrating birthdays. I love getting old, but my mom told me I would be saying otherwise when I turned in my late 20’s. Oh well, we’ll see about that! Joe and I plan to get to the city and explore it a little bit with the bad weather. We originally planned to hike, but due to the bad weather forecast on that day, we’ll just see what the Great Vancity has to offer to this birthday girl.

How is everyone doing these days? I hope you’re feeling inspired and happy like me!

xoxo,

G

A Look at My May Events

Almost end of the month events recaps for this month of May:

  1. I finally have my part-time job.

                 I was so clueless on my first day which was just the other day. I did the salad and coffee part for my first 2-hour shift and went to packing meals. I’ve known a couple people in my area, just not everyone as there’s quite a handful of people around. That was just my 4-hour shift. My next work schedule isn’t until next Friday. Not to say I’m not excited, it’s just that I don’t think it’s something I really want to do for the time being. But hey, it’s good to busy anyway.

    2.  I did my first hike of the year with a friend at Quarry Rock, North Vancouver.

               Joe and I just decided we’d go for a hike and we did! It was so amazing. Even though, we just commuted all the way to North Vancouver for about 1 and a half hour—for her—and about 3 hours—for me. Then, we were stunned by the beauty of the lake when we got to the Panorama Park. Such incredible view! We brought lunch and had our lunch by the lake/beach, not sure if it was a beach or a lake. Anyway, after the lunch with a view, we began our hike to the Quarry Rock. It was a 45 minute hike to the top. I actually thought it was gonna be longer, but alas, we made it less than an hour. And goodness, the view was breathtaking! I feel like jumping of the cliff, but that would be stupid. Haha! Gosh, what a stupid thing to say. Anyway, I guess it was called Quarry Rock because you get to see the whole view under the big rocks at the edge of the mountain. You’ll see bits of islands in front of the mountain and the buildings far ahead in the DT Vancouver. At that moment, how I wish my family were seeing the same thing because they would all love it especially my mom and baby sis. Soon.

     3. I cooked at least 5 Filipino dishes this month.

                  Yep. I cook now. It’s just me and my grandma living in a 2 bedroom condo unit and she’s not a good cook either! Hahaha. I basically have no choice but to cook for myself and for her too. Good thing Tacky guides me all the way for every dish that I make. I don’t think I’d survive cooking if no one was guiding me. Gosh! I don’t love cooking, but I don’t exactly hate it either. That’s why working in the kitchen area is not very appealing to me but it’s not something that I would say no to instantly.

G

May 1st

A bit paralyzed here, so I have all the time and energy to blog. I can’t believe I actually thought I could go walk around the pier today. You might be wondering what’s up with me or not. Either way, I just got my period this morning. The cramps just started a while ago. I had planned on finally walking around the pier area, but I can’t do it with this pain.

I was actually planning on bringing with me my resume and submitting it off to cafes and shops I could passed by. I realized I would want to have my part-time at the bayside. At least, it’ll be a nice view and a nice walk to/from home. It’s not far from where I live, just probably a 10 minute walk. More interesting, imagine the place I’m living in is located in an uphill setting and I have to walk down to get to the beach. The place reminds me of Santa Monica Pier with all the shops along side the long road minus the rides. Lola said it gets pretty busy during summer. I bet it does. Heat only comes once every few months in a year. People would very much like to soak in the sun as much as they can.

Tomorrow would be International Student Orientation at school. I have to wake up early since it’s a one-hour ride from my place. It’s not a total hassle, really. I could sleep the whole 45-minute bus ride and then finally get off to take a two-stops train ride. I’m lucky the bus stop is only 30 second walk from the step on our front door. That way, I don’t have to scurry all the way to the bus stop when I’m in a hurry. I hope tomorrow will be a good day for me. I want to get to know at least five new names tomorrow. Okay, I’m gonna make it a goal for tomorrow. 🙂 Jia You!

And my cramps is just getting worse…

zzzz

 

Hello, Vancouver!

Date of arrival: April 18, 2018 11:00AM
Blog Entry Date: April 19, 2018 4:00 AM

Hello!

If you’re reading this, that means I got connected to the internet. It’s kind of crazy how there’s no wifi in where I stay. But it’s not the end of the world—calmly telling myself the same thing since I came here.

So, it’s been 2 days since I last saw my family and a day since I saw my friend, Tacky. I didn’t go straight to Vancouver. Instead, I had my layover in Japan for a day and spent my time with a friend. I still can’t believe I’ve been to Japan already! Ugh. I wish I had more time to explore that amazing country. And I will make that possible, just not now. Right now, I have to apply for a carrier plan. Lol. I need internet, puhlease. Yesterday, when I came at my place and found at that there’s no wifi access, I was screaming loudly at my head like, “How could there no be internet?!” And I was trying to calm myself saying that this is only my first day and it couldn’t be that bad YET.

It’s currently 4:02 AM. I woke up an hour ago because I was freezing. I had to get up, turn on the heater, put on socks and grab a jacket. Haha, this is so typical of me. I remember when I was in Chicago, I would do the same thing and cover my entire self. I was trying to vlog, so I turned on the lamp beside me. Five seconds later, the heater suddenly gave a beep and both the lights and the heater were turned off. Just great. I guess it must have been a short circuit or something. Great, just when I needed the heater the most.

There’s a big window on my room that gives me an overlooking view of the nature outside. I live on the 4th floor, I think. When I got up earlier, I was surprised to see the stars. So peaceful. I guess, there isn’t much light pollution to this neighbourhood.

I don’t feel particularly sad or miss home that much now. The only thing that I feel right now is this little panic attack I’m having because there’s no internet. No internet means no Google Maps on my phone and there’s no way to know where to go. I guess I’m going to have to come up with a plan of my own. But that’s fine. Everything will be fine, my dear.

I’m getting sleepy again, so I might go back to sleep…

Until then,

g

7th Heaven

Seven-day countdown before I leave for Canada. I’m not sure how long I’ll be there. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to visit the Philippines at least once a year, but maybe it’s not such a bad idea not to. Except, I won’t see my baby sister. She’s the most precious little thing for me right now in my life. And if there could be any reason for me not go is that of her. But I got to do what I got to do. 😟

Even though I know I have little time left here, it still hasn’t entirely dawned on me yet that I will be starting my life again somewhere. I visited a relative today and she said to me, “Aren’t you scared of doing it alone?” I just said, “Not really” which is true. No one can actually be prepared for this kind of thing. I just got to dive head first and act like I know what I’m doing to survive.

I’m excited again to get lost in an unfamiliar city, meet strangers and learn its history. But most of all, to figure life along the way. How lucky I am to be able to find myself while enjoying myself at the same time.

Seven more days to go,

See you, Canada.

xx

04.05.2018

Giving myself a little reminder that it’s better to keep quiet and keep things to yourself. Talking about it makes the situation worse. It’s not like other people has the solution for you. It’s not like other people understand what you’re going through, anyway. It’s not like people actually care about your story. Right?! So better just master the art of shutting the hell up.

But ultimately, I am quite happy and excited for the coming days. I just have a lot on my plate these past few days, but nothing I can’t handle.

Also, I’m wishing someone the happiest birthday today. You should know you hold a special place in my life. You deserve the best, too!

xoxo,

glaire

crazy mofo

Real quick here, I feel that love is both underrated and overrated in so many ways. I was annoyed with how things went today. My day didn’t turn out to be quite as smooth as I hoped it’d be. But this is just another day, right? People can be pretty dense and insensitive talaga. Diba. They don’t even give importance to the things that are important to you. So annoying. I can’t. I’m not even making sense right now. But so is that mofo.

Gee

A Memory I’ll Miss

I positioned myself where I could both hear and see what everybody else is doing. I am having a great day so far. It’s 3 PM and they’re in the middle of fishing some tilapias while I retreat myself in a secluded corner where I can write my thoughts. Today, I came to visit grandmother in Tigaon, a more province place than where I live. Growing up in this town makes me appreciate the simple life and understand the simple ways of life.

Earlier, I walked my bare feet on the soil to get some fresh eggs to the farm. I shrieked loudly like some sassy city girl when my foot submerged to the mud knee-high. It was too late for me to turn back and so I moved forward. It was another humbling experience for me. My uncle has a pool that is 5 feet high. My brother, sister and I ended up cleaning and brushing the pool because we plan on using it. It was so fun exerting such hard work together with them. I will definitely miss this.

This moment is so rare that we’re complete together. Now that we’re growing up, the chances of us getting all complete in one place are thinning. And so, I cherish every moment I get with them that’s why I decided to write down this moment. I always want to take a break from everything that’s happening because I would want this to be remembered forever or even etched somewhere in a writing or a picture. Now, I have to get back and live this moment with them.

I thank you for your precious time for reading this.

Always grateful,

Glaire

Hear The Great News!

Hello, everyone!

As you may know, I have been waiting for my visa decision to come. And it finally came last Thursday. I GOT APPROVAL OF MY STUDENT PERMIT IN CANADA! Wohoooo. The reason I didn’t post it as soon as I got the word is that I was too happy and emotional to do anything else besides BEING HAPPY lol. I literally shouted and cried when I heard the news. It was given to me by Ms. Karen, my visa coordinator.

The very next day I found out that I’m going to Canada, I bought a one-way ticket. I’ll be leaving next month. My summer term won’t start until the month of May, but I want to be able to adjust weeks before my class starts. Besides, I have to settle some things first like my social security number, bank account, and other important stuff.

I feel so blessed that this moment has finally come. I never actually thought about getting it in the first place, I guess, which I know is a total wrong mind set to have. But like I said, I had been down that road before of waiting and being rejected and I was just afraid of getting my hopes up ever again. But I got! I got it. I got it.
Thank you for those who never lose their faith in me. I love you all.

xoxo,

G

I Would If I Could But I Can’t So I Won’t

Why do things have to go so bad, right? Why can’t we just have some consistency in life that we don’t have to adjust and everything? More often than not, life is unfair. I’m pretty sure a lot of people would attest to that one. Life isn’t some kind of a one-way lane for everyone. Instead, it’s all about those crazy intersections that turn green all at once. I honestly thought my life was perfect back when I was a kid. At that time, my perception was blinded by ideal fantasies of what life should be. Until one day, reality finally knocked on my door, tricked me into looking the other way and stabbed me in the back. Life became pretty tricky after that. It seemed like one day I have it all figured out and the next day, it gives me another whole set of challenges from some unknown dimension.

I know perfectly well that life is supposed to be this way, that it’s meant to be this hard and knotty. Because how else am I supposed to appreciate happiness without sadness, right? And so, I don’t even know why I’m still writing my angst and depression despite knowing that life isn’t supposed to be some kind of a fairytale with a happy ending. I’m just so caught up in my emotions right now. It’s all bottled up and I can’t even let it out. I feel like talking about it out loud would be some kind of way of acknowledging that it is happening. And I’m not ready to accept that reality yet, possibly never. I hope for change to come into my life soon that I can selfishly walk away from this and never have to face it. I take it that walking away to the problems won’t solve any of it. But in this case, if I could run away every time at every chance I get, I would.

xx,

gee

FumiShun Base Fan

Wanna know what I’ve been up to lately? Well, I am now a certified first aider. I just finished my training two days ago. It was hella fun, I’m telling ya. So yes, I learned about doing CPR, rescue breathing, bandages and some other basic stuff. Totally amazing! Hahaha. One of my friends told me ‘kung ano ano nalang’ meaning like you’re so random—that’s the closest I could think of a translation lol sorry if it didn’t do any justice. And yes, I was pretty much so bored I thought why not sign up for a first aid class.

Fast forward to now, I’m currently on the road of editing another video. Finally, right? Another inspiration has landed on me and I am not letting it go. That’s according to Big Magic, my new favorite self-guided book. It says that once the inspiration shows up, use it until it leaves you because it’s not going to be with you all the time, which is basically true to me. I don’t always feel the urge to do things just sometimes maybe when I’m being visited by the god of inspiration.

But here’s a hiccup to that, I can’t stop watching vlogs. HAHA. I have this new favorite Japanese vlogger. His YouTube channel name is FumiShun BASE. In such a short span of time, I think I may have already watched almost all of his video. I find him so funny and interesting. Not just that, but I have a crush on Yuyu—not sure if I remember his name correctly—because he kinda reminds me of Oguri Shun, which is another one of my fave Japanese actors. Uggh, Japan. Take me there!!!!

Anyway, I need to work…

Jaaaaa 😫

Kind of Sad

As per usual, Saturday is being spent productively on my bed, not with someone though, but just with my laptop. You have a dirty mind. I woke pretty early just because I always have my alarm set at 5:50 am, which I always plan on like taking that alarm setting off but nevertheless always fails to do it, anyway. So we had our breakfast as a family together. Finally, my mom is having a late breakfast with us and not rushing to get to the store. She left it in charge with someone for today, just so she can at least spend a peaceful morning not scurrying around like a woman on fire. I decided not to come with her to the store for today, instead, I just cleaned my room early this morning after she left with Shobe. I was kind of like planning on filming something for today but then there were calls on the queue and I had to work on it—it’s an online job.

Besides that, everything seems to be normal nowadays. Well, except for my never-ending anxiousness about the waiting game on my visa. But I’m learning to throw my IDGAF attitude on it little by little or else I might die in my sleep if I don’t stop this torture. I do have another thing going on, but it’s very personal. And it’s bothering me too.

Remember when I mentioned about my inner peace being one of those calm before the storm kind of thing? I’m kind of getting the vibe that there is a huge wave coming on my way and that I am both furious and scared for it.

Also, a bit realization I’ve been having has been on my mind lately. I’ve only known a couple of people who really stood out in my life and have/had a really great connection with me. Some are still present in my life and some has gone with the wind. Unfortunately, even with friends, there aren’t always happy endings. It’s not just romance that ends up sabotaging the relationship, but even mere friends do that. Friends are capable of hurting you, loving you and making you feel like you don’t need anyone but them. And when you got hurt by them, you think about how it would be nice to have never met them at the first place and that you wouldn’t have this scarred memories for life if you hadn’t known them at all. Then, I think about what was my life before them? Not to say nothing, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t have the time of my life with them. My life was pretty quiet for sure without them, but I know I would have chosen crazy over boring any time, anyway. And so bottom line, I probably shouldn’t shut myself out too much with people because I know they give so much life to me. And that one bad experience shouldn’t ruin my trust with others.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read.

As always,

Arigatou.

Can Too Much Anticipation Kill?

I cannot wait for my application to be done with. I just got the tracking number to track my application just the other day, and I’ve been checking on it since then. I know it doesn’t make sense to worry and write things about this, but I am freaking out. I am sick, like literally, and all I could think about is if I’m approved or not. It’s been close to a month since I last worked out, which was crazy because I have been leaning more into meat and rice for the last couple of days. I’m not that worried yet about my weight, but I’m concerned a little bit about my health. I need to move and exercise more. But right now, I’m sick and exerting more effort won’t do any good for my body.

So I busy myself with cleaning my room, organizing my stuff, writing in my journal, revamping my blog and watching a bunch of tutorials. I should really start making that video on our La Union trip, but I just don’t get that inspiration yet. All of the videos I made were made out of sheer inspiration if that makes sense. I don’t like ‘trying’ to make a video. I do it when I want to and I feel like doing it. I don’t do it for the sake just to have a video coming out of a trip.

I think there are things that I wanted to share and do right now, but something is holding me back. And that’s the fear of not being able to get a student permit. I kinda feel everything is put on hold before the decision and that I could only resume my normal life once it has been decided.

If you’ve been reading my previous posts about me having that inner peace, well that’s not true anymore. HAHAHA. Who am I kidding? I’m not at peace, yo! I can’t even do the one thing that I’m good at and that’s sleeping early. Now, I can’t do that. 12 am is usually when drowsiness hits me and that’s not even good for my low blood pressure. Anyhow, I still have a month to wait. AND THIS IS KILLING ME, YOU THINK?!

xoxo,

glaire 😦