Yet Another Day

Good evening to you Thursday,

You’ve been pretty harsh to me today. You held the promise of finally making me feel better after the last midterm, but why is it that even hours after I got home from school I still feel so drained out and stressed? I feel so stressed actually. It could be because of a lot of things namely studying, working and breathing. How to destress? Oshiete kudasai. It’s a lot to take in being an international student. Maybe it’s just me because my classmates seem to have a bit of a fun in classes every now and then. Should I give up? Should I just keep going, then? But what if it doesn’t make me happy anymore? I’m confused. Does it not make me happy because I didn’t want what I was studying or just because I didn’t get my midterm? Would I say I feel alright if I got the midterm, then? What the fuck? Another day, yet another drama from me as always. I wonder how grown-ups figure it all out? Maybe they haven’t really figure shit out, right? They just go with the flow with life and see how it well turns out for them. If it doesn’t, well no one lives eternally to deal with it anyway. I don’t even know what’s up. Tomorrow, tomorrow…I made plans for tomorrow. I have to go to work as well. It’s nice to be busy. It makes me keep out of my pointless thoughts such as this one I’m writing. I can’t wait for things to be better. Oh yeah, now I remember why I decided to write tonight in the first place. On my way home tonight, I remembered I was feeling very much at peace just months ago. I even wrote that feeling down here. Having that thought, I let out a sudden sigh and asked myself. “Where did that moment go?”. It was just here! Now it’s nowhere to be found LOL. GOD HELP ME. I actually feel a little bit demotivated in making videos. I just couldn’t bring myself to pretend that everything was alright when things are not. But I know I need to get myself together. Don’t be such a pussy is something I would tell a friend if this were this situation. So yes, no time to feel sulky. But then again, it’s all just talk. I really am sad and confused right now.

It’s Gonna Get Better, But It’s Taking Forever

I must have been born sad. I can’t keep up with happiness! That feeling when I’m happy all day and suddenly out of nowhere sadness would wash all over my soul and there’s no stopping it. Is this normal? Sometimes, I wonder if I’m the only person who can experience this. Maybe I just love being sad so much? Is that even possible? Now that I think about it, I love being confined to a small space. Not that it matters to my point, but maybe it has something to do with that. Hmmm, maybe I really was born like this. Is there any way out of this? Don’t get me wrong. I love myself. I feel so blessed. I feel so loved. But I don’t like being sad like this. Not when I don’t know the reason behind my sudden change of mood. I know being sad is sometimes needed in our lives. But in my case, is this really healthy? Will this ever go away? Will this ever hinder me from my true happiness? What is true happiness really? Sigh. Too many questions drowning my head right now.

“In the end, I’m going to be all right” is a thought that I always hold onto. Some might say I’m living my life to the fullest. I am, actually. And I couldn’t be more grateful to everyone, especially God. But I think I’m entitled to feel sad at times and vent at something like this. It’s not like I go around and announce, “Hey, I’m sad. May you be sad as well!” No, not at all. For what it’s worth, I think I give an opposite vibe to everyone else. Well, except my sestra. Sestra knows me too well when there’s something wrong with me.

I missed writing. Glad to be able to talk to you guys again.

7th Heaven

Seven-day countdown before I leave for Canada. I’m not sure how long I’ll be there. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to visit the Philippines at least once a year, but maybe it’s not such a bad idea not to. Except, I won’t see my baby sister. She’s the most precious little thing for me right now in my life. And if there could be any reason for me not go is that of her. But I got to do what I got to do. 😟

Even though I know I have little time left here, it still hasn’t entirely dawned on me yet that I will be starting my life again somewhere. I visited a relative today and she said to me, “Aren’t you scared of doing it alone?” I just said, “Not really” which is true. No one can actually be prepared for this kind of thing. I just got to dive head first and act like I know what I’m doing to survive.

I’m excited again to get lost in an unfamiliar city, meet strangers and learn its history. But most of all, to figure life along the way. How lucky I am to be able to find myself while enjoying myself at the same time.

Seven more days to go,

See you, Canada.

xx

Hear The Great News!

Hello, everyone!

As you may know, I have been waiting for my visa decision to come. And it finally came last Thursday. I GOT APPROVAL OF MY STUDENT PERMIT IN CANADA! Wohoooo. The reason I didn’t post it as soon as I got the word is that I was too happy and emotional to do anything else besides BEING HAPPY lol. I literally shouted and cried when I heard the news. It was given to me by Ms. Karen, my visa coordinator.

The very next day I found out that I’m going to Canada, I bought a one-way ticket. I’ll be leaving next month. My summer term won’t start until the month of May, but I want to be able to adjust weeks before my class starts. Besides, I have to settle some things first like my social security number, bank account, and other important stuff.

I feel so blessed that this moment has finally come. I never actually thought about getting it in the first place, I guess, which I know is a total wrong mind set to have. But like I said, I had been down that road before of waiting and being rejected and I was just afraid of getting my hopes up ever again. But I got! I got it. I got it.
Thank you for those who never lose their faith in me. I love you all.

xoxo,

G

Can Too Much Anticipation Kill?

I cannot wait for my application to be done with. I just got the tracking number to track my application just the other day, and I’ve been checking on it since then. I know it doesn’t make sense to worry and write things about this, but I am freaking out. I am sick, like literally, and all I could think about is if I’m approved or not. It’s been close to a month since I last worked out, which was crazy because I have been leaning more into meat and rice for the last couple of days. I’m not that worried yet about my weight, but I’m concerned a little bit about my health. I need to move and exercise more. But right now, I’m sick and exerting more effort won’t do any good for my body.

So I busy myself with cleaning my room, organizing my stuff, writing in my journal, revamping my blog and watching a bunch of tutorials. I should really start making that video on our La Union trip, but I just don’t get that inspiration yet. All of the videos I made were made out of sheer inspiration if that makes sense. I don’t like ‘trying’ to make a video. I do it when I want to and I feel like doing it. I don’t do it for the sake just to have a video coming out of a trip.

I think there are things that I wanted to share and do right now, but something is holding me back. And that’s the fear of not being able to get a student permit. I kinda feel everything is put on hold before the decision and that I could only resume my normal life once it has been decided.

If you’ve been reading my previous posts about me having that inner peace, well that’s not true anymore. HAHAHA. Who am I kidding? I’m not at peace, yo! I can’t even do the one thing that I’m good at and that’s sleeping early. Now, I can’t do that. 12 am is usually when drowsiness hits me and that’s not even good for my low blood pressure. Anyhow, I still have a month to wait. AND THIS IS KILLING ME, YOU THINK?!

xoxo,

glaire 😦

12.03.17

A quick Sunday realization…

Today I wrote on my notebook diary and it was mostly an update about what happened the last few days. I was quite surprised to have found myself saying positive thoughts of life despite the hardship that I am facing. I like the person I have become over the last months and I wouldn’t certainly be in a good place if it weren’t for the unfortunate and fortunate circumstances that contribute to where I am right now. So, I am mostly grateful for the bad things that had happened to me over the past months bc it made me stronger and realize my worth. I just feel different this time, I don’t quite know how to explain it. Just that I like this present me than the old version of me.

For my readers, have a blessed Sunday and be grateful for today.

Getting Ready to Say Goodbye 

I talked to a dear friend yesterday and she told me how she cannot find the words to write to which of course, I told her how I myself haven’t visited my own blog in a while. So here I am without any doubt about to ramble nonsense thoughts again.

Officially, I only have a month left in Chicago. You must be curious as to what I feel, eh? Well, I feel a lot of things! I have come to love Chicago or basically here in the United States. I have met a lot of people that changed my perspectives in life. I learned and proved to myself being independent is a good thing. Enjoying  my life without any responsibility is such a big privilege but like all other things in life, this amazing chapter has to end. So I am happy that in a short period of time, I had such a wonderful time with new found friends, family and myself. And although inevitably there are things I wish would stay permanent with me, life goes on and I could only hope for the best! It’s also funny how I miss home now more than ever. I find myself getting excited and homesick already. Looking back to my first few months, all I kept thinking was how on earth could I stay here and never go back but now…I miss home.

So, see you Philippines in a month! 😊

What’s weird

“It’s weird. I’ve finally come to terms with you being gone. I’ve even accepted the heartache. I don’t miss you anymore; I’m not crying over you anymore. I smile now. I laugh harder than ever. I’m genuinely happy. I can’t believe I’m able to say this, but I’m okay. I’m really okay.’

It still bothers me, sometimes, you know. But that’s it.

After Grad

Everyone’s been busy. People are going out-of-town to escape this VERY MUCH familiar place. They’re getting jobs and living the dream WHILE I… I get to wake up early everyday and go to my dad’s office and do the same thing everyday. I know what you’re thinking that I’m being given extra credit for being the boss’s daughter well ha ha ha ha cause you are very much wrong about that. But whatever, I just wanna get the hell outta this place. I honestly want to go and leave everyone behind. I know how selfish this may sound but I want to spend some time alone and I don’t care how much they would miss me. I just want to be away. It’s like everyone keeps telling me to change my habits and all but I’m like how can I ever change if I’m breathing the same polluted air. I need to get out of this dirty bubble and find another healthy one. It’s going to be hard but I’m willing to take my chance. It’s just that no matter how hard I try at the end of the day, I’m always back to square one. Nothing good accomplished. So please just let me go. Let me live my life.

Go on tell me I’m always whining! 😒 This isn’t your blog so if you want your opinion expressed, go home and create your own journal. Whatever. Ugh. Me is pissed. I need to be early tomorrow! I blame tonight’s flashes of lightning. I seem to be imagining that they’d be no work for tomorrow. But who am I kidding, right? 😂

All right! Bye already! 😒

Stealth Mode

 SHIT HAHA OKAY SO I CAME ACROSS THIS TAGALOG STORY I MADE WHEN I WAS IN MY FIRST YEAR COLLEGE WHILE I WAS CLEANING MY LAPTOP’S MEMORY . HAHA DON’T FREAKING JUDGE ME PEOPLE! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT WHATSOEVER HAHA! THIS WAS A REQUIREMENT! I HAD TO MAKE THIS!  🙈

Stealth Mode

          Mahirap nga naman kapag broken-hearted, walang nagagawang maayos, ni hindi mo maka usap ng matino. Ganito lang naman ang sitwasyon ni Jenny.

          Nag break kasi sila ng kanyang boyfriend na si Ken. Sa di sinasadyang di pagkakaintindihan na nag simula sa maliit na bagay na nag dulot ng hiwalayan.

            Mag iilang buwan na rin silang nag break. At ayon na nga, palagi na lamang naka tulala si Jenny habang hawak hawak ang kwintas na cross na binigay ni Ken para sa 5 years anniversary nila.

            Napilitan nalamang silang maging ‘normal’ na mag kaibigan dahil sa iisa lamang ang barkada nila. Naging madali naman sa kanila ang pagiging magkaibigan na lamang, hindi naman magiging maganda kung mag kakailangan sila sa harap ng barkada nila.

“Alam mo yun Maree? Yung ang sakit sakit ng nararamdaman mo? Na parang kina-cutter ang puso mo?”

Hay, eto nanaman tayo. Pabulong na sabi ng bestfriend niyang si Maree.

“Best, kasi naman baka naman mas makakabuti ng nangyari to. Malay mo may mas karapatdapat pa kesa kay Ken.”

“Siya nga ang gusto ko eh! Siya lang!”

            Paulit ulit lang nila tong pinag tatalunan, wala naman napupuntahan.

          Ngayong gabi habang nag fafacebook si Jenny, bigla nalang may nag pop-out sa babang kanto ng screen ‘skaterboss is now online’

            Biglang kinabahan si Jenny at di niya namalayan na mabilis niya nang nauubos ang kinakain niyang corn bits yung original flavor, favorite niya yun eh kasi favorite rin yun ng teacher niya sa Filipino na si Mam Raynes, yung maganda at sexy.

            Halo halong emosyon ang nararamdaman ni Jenny pero nag lakas loob parin ito at na i-pm si Kelly.

YM CONVERSATION:

simplicityismymiddlename: Hoy unggoy! Gumawa ka na ng assignment sa Filipino?

skaterboss: Unggoy ka dyan! Baboy! Haha. Meron ba? Pakopya na lang.

simplicityismymiddlename: Asa ka boooy! Di kita pakokopyahin, gumawa ka rin.

skaterboss: Tsk. Damot talaga nito. Bagay talaga sayo ang baboy! =p

simplicityismymiddlename is typing

Tse! Ikaw kaya ang bagay saakin!

OHMY! Erase erase

simplicityismymiddlename: Sama mo talaga kahit kelan!

skaterboss: *evil laugh* HAHA Sige na nga bye2 na at gagawa na ako, di mo naman ako pakokopyahin eh.

skaterboss is now offline

          Aww. Sad naman itong si Jenny at offline na si Ken. Hiling niya talaga na mag ka balikan na sila pero parang malabo na talagang mangyari yun eh. Pero pano nga naman nga ba sila mag kakabalikan kung walang gagawa ng paraan.

           Nang di namamalayan, bigla nalang nasend ni Jenny itong mga message kay Ken, tutal offline naman siya eh.

simplicityismymiddlename: Ken, mahal na mahal parin kita.

simplicityismymiddlename: Sobrang mahal, alam mo bang nalulungkot akong masyado simula ng magkahiwalay tayo hanggang ngayon.

simplicityismymiddlename: Miss na miss na miss na miss na kita.

simplicityismymiddlename: Will you still be mine?

simplicityismymiddlename: Tayo nanaman oh, si mam Raynes naiinip na.

simplicityismymiddlename: Patawad sa mga na—————

skaterboss: Ako rin Jenny, mahal parin kita. Sobrang mahal na mahal.

skaterboss: Alam mo bang parang binatohan ng paper weight ang puso ko araw araw, pati may seal ng Ateneo yung paper weight kaya mas mabigat, lalo na kapag nakikita kita at di man lang kita mahawakan.

           Nabigla naman si Jenny dahil sa hindi pala offline si Ken. Nahiya naman tuloy siya sa mga pinagsasasabi niya, pero wala na rin naman siyang magagawa, yan ang nararamdaman niya. Balak niya sanang sabihin kay Kelly na naligaw lang ang mga message na yun at di talaga para sakanya pero sa tingin niya ay di na siya makaka takas ngayon.

skateboss: Naka stealth mode lang ako, pinag mamasdan ko lang ang status mo. Namimiss kasi kita lalo kapag kachat kita.

Skaterboss: Sorry naging torpe ako.

skaterboss: Pwede ba tayo na ulit? Kahit ano pa gagawin ko. Miss na kita boss eh. Ikaw lang naman kaya ang pinakaiisang boss sa buhay ko.

skaterboss is now online