Can Too Much Anticipation Kill?

I cannot wait for my application to be done with. I just got the tracking number to track my application just the other day, and I’ve been checking on it since then. I know it doesn’t make sense to worry and write things about this, but I am freaking out. I am sick, like literally, and all I could think about is if I’m approved or not. It’s been close to a month since I last worked out, which was crazy because I have been leaning more into meat and rice for the last couple of days. I’m not that worried yet about my weight, but I’m concerned a little bit about my health. I need to move and exercise more. But right now, I’m sick and exerting more effort won’t do any good for my body.

So I busy myself with cleaning my room, organizing my stuff, writing in my journal, revamping my blog and watching a bunch of tutorials. I should really start making that video on our La Union trip, but I just don’t get that inspiration yet. All of the videos I made were made out of sheer inspiration if that makes sense. I don’t like ‘trying’ to make a video. I do it when I want to and I feel like doing it. I don’t do it for the sake just to have a video coming out of a trip.

I think there are things that I wanted to share and do right now, but something is holding me back. And that’s the fear of not being able to get a student permit. I kinda feel everything is put on hold before the decision and that I could only resume my normal life once it has been decided.

If you’ve been reading my previous posts about me having that inner peace, well that’s not true anymore. HAHAHA. Who am I kidding? I’m not at peace, yo! I can’t even do the one thing that I’m good at and that’s sleeping early. Now, I can’t do that. 12 am is usually when drowsiness hits me and that’s not even good for my low blood pressure. Anyhow, I still have a month to wait. AND THIS IS KILLING ME, YOU THINK?!

xoxo,

glaire 😦

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Lightroom Preset Giveaway

I get questions on how I edit my pictures. I used to edit using VSCO but sometimes, it’s not just enough. So I switched to using Adobe Photoshop Lightroom Classic. LR Presets are installable photo effects or filters that can quickly improve mood and color of a photo with just a click. You need to have the desktop version for it to use or you can get it here.

Since you know how much I love, love you guys, I decided to share some Lightroom Presets that I’ve made. I hope you like them and tell me what you think about it. If you like some more, I could make a bundle pack. And I’ll let you guys know.

I’ll try to add a few more presets now and then, so try to check from time to time. And you should be set by following this instructions on importing and using the presets!

Urban Japan Preset 

two (2) presets available: Day Version and Night Version

Japan Presets, these two presets gives a traditional look for your every outtakes. The UJ day preset gives your picture a green hue which complements the green surroundings of the country or any Southeast Asian countries. On the other hand, the UJ night preset gives that comic vibe reflecting on colorful street signage. I made two versions just because the settings are different depending on the time of the day.  Although, inspired by Japan, this can be widely used in any other photos from around the world! 

 

Click images to download:

                                                                                                          

And don’t forget to follow me on Instagram!

 

 

Elyu Aftermath

So I’m back. It’s always nice to be back in my own room with my own bed and my own fan. I was sort of sick throughout the trip. I blame the bus liner for its super cold temperature. It was definitely an inhumane kind of cold condition! Anyway, who does that!? Only Isarog and Peñafrancia Bus Lines. UGH!

La Union was kind of bitin at the end because I’ve gotten used to the places around me and then just like that we had to leave. But the days were definitely enough for my liking and sanity, I guess. I did like the artsy restaurants and their foods were not a disappointment. In fact, I think most of the budget went to foodstuff. I think the only activity we did was the hiking, which for the record, took most of our whole day and was the only major thing that I can actually say we did at LU.

Mostly, the trip back and forth was the most time consuming of all. First, it took us 20 hours just to get from Bicol to La Union. Then, it took us 13 hours vice versa. Major hassle, weew. I mean, I suggested bringing a car but they said no. So okay, we had to deal with that one.

So I just got home yesterday morning and I have been feeling uneasy ever since. I don’t know what’s going on or why I am all so antsy all of a sudden. I don’t know. It’s annoying me. As much as I want to feel okay, I can’t. I’m just glad I’m able to write about something now because I’ve been having a staring contest with my laptop since this morning.

Oh well, I’ve posted a few pictures from La Union. There’s not much to see. I took videos mostly but not pictures. Hope you like them! Happy scrollin’.

 

02.13.2018

Bonjour, ça va?

Today, today, today, today. Today, I opened the store and mom took the day off. I had a rough morning, to begin with! I ended up messing the computer server, so I had no choice but to call and ask for my mom’s help. I was losing it very much. Do you ever have times when everything just goes wrong and you’re not even lifting a finger to cause anything at all? Like the disaster just comes to you. I just had my freaking period, what could have been triggering me? And I’m eating a lot too, more than my usual.

A friend today even provoke the crap out of me and bitch I played it cool. I wouldn’t stoop lower just for you. On the other side of this thing, I’m actually glad I’m finally mad at this person. Like you know what? I’ve had enough of your bullshit. The magic is gone and I’m not about to make you make me feel any lesser now.

On a lighter note, the medical clinic I had been exchanging emails about my medical status had finally submitted my application to the embassy. I can’t believe it. This was what I had been hoping and waiting for, for the last 6 months, and now it has been done. Thank you, self, for being strong and believing in your own capability that you can go through it. And we did. I did it. Now, the only thing to wait for is the decision for my student permit. I have not been wanting to write something about my anticipation for the visa decision because I felt like in some ways, I was going to jinx it, but fuck it. I have been also researching about my future stay in Canada like my place to stay, part-time jobs, activities to do, and some basic stuff. But at the same time, this feels a little scary doing this because I’ve been on this road before. I had done my research and whatnot, only to be crushed by the news that I was sick. And so, as I am in this road again, I always, always begin with telling myself that if, for some reason, things could go wrong again, I should be mentally and emotionally be prepared about it.

You see, most of the time, in most things in life, it’s not a straight path at all. Most times, it’s a struggle between being an optimist and a realist. You can’t just stay positive and not think about all the possible negative outcomes that could happen. Likewise, you can’t just be dreading and hoping for the worst because the way of thoughts and the way of actions are two intertwined things in this universe. And so right now, I am all over the places. I see now that that’s probably the reason why I’m a walking ticking bomb lately. This is that final point where I know that either of two things in my life is about to happen. Either I chase my dream to Canada and have the life I want or I stay and make it work here. And I am not going to lie that as much as I stay positive and all that shit, I do think about the idea of not getting a yes on a student permit. Of course, I think about that all the time. I even get nights now where my late-night thoughts are consumed by this horrible possibility. It’s scaring the fuck out of me, okay? Forgive me for the outburst of profanities here.

On a much much happy note, today is my baby brother’s birthday! 🙂 He just turned 15, but he looks so grown up now. What is it with young kids looking and acting so mature at a young age? When I was at his age, I was proudly showing my flabs to my friends. But kids these days, they make out the majority of every gym spaces right now. I can’t even. Or I’m just getting old and starting to be one of those old people who constantly compare themselves to younger generations like, ugh kids these days don’t even talk in person but just plant their faces on their phones. Lol. But I am a proud ate with my siblings. They are the kinds of kids parents are praying for to have. So I will be closing the store early because we’ll be having a small family dinner.

This is a lengthy post now, I know. But on my defense, this is to make up for the days when I have such intense thoughts that I couldn’t even write what those are about. I just wanted to say more about how I’m hoping, really hoping for the best for me. And that is to get my student permit. I don’t want to let this opportunity pass and regret it for the rest of my life. It’s just that now that I am 22—the average age of a graduate student—I wanted to be able to start and focus on things, career-wise. And yes, it’s starting to dawn on me that I’m an adult now, that I have to be responsible for my own and start to take care of other people too. I’m glad that I have these options to choose from like having to study abroad and not be forced to work and be financially responsible for my family. For this, I am eternally blessed in more ways I could ever imagine. I pray that whatever the future holds, there would be guidance to walk me through this life.

Finally, I won’t be posting for another week or so. I will be celebrating this coming long weekend with my friends at La Union for 3 days. Should be one hella weekend. But I mean, it’s totally going to be a wholesome weekend getaway for me, since I’m not up for some wild nights. I don’t even drink anymore. I’m afraid I won’t really keep up with people having fun if I’m sober, so I definitely arranged my budget on food twice as high than I normally would because I would have to busy myself eating than be drinking mojitos.

Wow, you’ve made it this far?! Kudos to you. Thank you so much for reading my lengthy blog post. Leave a comment down below on what your plans for the upcoming long weekend or just about anything at all. I’d like to get to know my readers better. And I don’t bite. *wink*

salut à mes lecteurs

Glaire

01.29.12

Kind of hard to find some inspiration to write these days. I always get that short span of the excitement of wanting to write something then ends up losing interest in a few sentences. But tonight, I think I could hold up to say a few things.

I’m finally done with meds. Thank you. 🙂 Just thinking about it makes me smile so freaking much. I’ll be having my last doctor’s appointment in a week. Hopefully, it’ll be a positive last check-up. Or else, it’ll tear me to pieces for real. Anyway, we’ll see, okay? No need to worry about something I don’t control.

This morning, I was about to start working when I saw my name at the top of the page. Your girl is on the top list, TOP 1. Hahaha. Who would have thought?! Certainly, not me. In fact, I was kind of worried before the cut off since I know I didn’t get the quota for the bonus and thought it was such a waste. But alas, I made it to the top even. It’s funny and amazing at the same time. Hihi.

What else…

Oh right. A few days left for the first month of 2018. Wow, right? Glad I was invited by my friends to go out of the town for a few days for the coming month. so at least there’d be a change of view for a while. I’m just quite worried I might not have that much fun and I might be such a downer for them, you know what I mean? I just got out of meds and basically, I can’t have too much fun yet and I don’t think I’m ready to jump into my old habits just yet. But I tried to ignore those nudging thoughts when I said yes to them, I know I need this to get past this phase. Besides, what could go wrong with a little out of town, right?

Also, quite a bit sad but I’m overall fine. I think it’s perfectly normal to be sad sometimes, just to acknowledge that everything doesn’t always have to work out the way you always wanted it to be and to still be grateful for that. I just…I don’t know. You know how things led to something that consequently made you think of something or someone? Yup, you get me. I guess, I just thought of the people that used to be part of my life, how easy and happy it was, how I never thought it was possible for me to say goodbye to them for good. Maybe not necessarily for good, but like it could never be as good as before. You know what I mean? I know I’ll move on. I always do. We always do. Just that at this moment, being sad sometimes is the only way to relive the memories and maybe think about where I went wrong and maybe help me reevaluate myself. This kind of moments will always be part of me until I’m not thinking about it anymore. Until it becomes one of those long lost childhood memories that you came to faintly remember 15 years later and you’ll be like oh yeah, I think that happened.

glaire

Hurdle Number 1 in 2018

My first hurdle of the year came this morning at my email. I was removed from the online job that I was with since last December. It’s funny because today marks the first month that I’d be working with them. I emailed them for a dispute, of course. I wanted to fight, at least, if they were to throw me out of their team. But if after that still nada, then that’s fine. It happens for a reason. Although, this morning I was really feeling blue and a bit angry. But then, I shared the news with my mom and she just know what to say. She makes everything so easy. It’s as if everything she says make sense. It’s absolutely amazing how she can do that.

Anyway, I’m currently at a cafe. Just by myself. Yep. I’ve always wanted to do this! Alone in a secluded cafe with my laptop and diary at the side table sipping coffee and eating cake. Gosh but damn that’s expensive. AHHAHAH. So yes, here I am and literally only the person in the cafe. The reason being is that I needed to download an application and the internet back home is just not helping me get that. To my dismay though, it seems like the internet in this cafe is slower than my grandma. I can’t. I’m happy that I finally did the be-in-a-secluded-cafe but come on, man, I came with a purpose. Good thing, dad called and said the electricity’s back at his place. I guess, it’s time so say good bye to this cute-but-has-shitty-internet cafe. Ciao.

 

‘Tis The Season For Love ❤

5 more days until the hanging of stockings. I wish my Santa won’t be cheap this year. Hahaha I am just dropping by. I decided that I will be leaving a little realization every day until Christmas to talk about my learnings or just what I feel about. Also, taking a little bit break from all the work and stuff.

With the recent events, I’ve never been happy, motivated and excited in a very long time. I just wish that everyone is feeling the same thing that I do especially it’s Christmas season. No matter how cliché that sounds, ’tis the season for love, and we should all try to at least be happy and welcome the New Year with a good vibe. I know I wouldn’t have said it 3 years ago when I was feeling miserable and empty, but now I’m just very grateful it happened. It wasn’t exactly what I had been picturing when I was a kid on how I would be as an adult. It’s true, it has been a little bit bumpy on my journey—hell, most of the times, I was and still am just confused as to whether take a left or right—but no one ever claimed that life is a no-brainer. So there you go. I’m clinging to life as much as possible and making the most out of it. Haha I mean, I don’t know about making the most out of it for now. But I am at peace—at the moment, I guess—and I know a lot of people don’t have that, so I’m thankful.

Arigatou.
Ho Ho Ho,
G

Last Half Month of 2017

Hooray for finally making another blog update on this site. I may have been a little bit obsessed with some freelance work. And it’s all thanks to Saki! Thank you, haha!

Let’s see, 10 days before Christmas…Who’s getting excited?! I am not that hype up about it, though. I mean, the food is definitely something to look forward to but my fam isn’t too big on gift givings—and that’s just my main concern, really. But yes, all is good. Meanwhile, I didn’t enroll in MMA this month because I feel like I’d be wasting my money on this holiday season. You know how it is with the Filipinos and their holiday celebrations. The food, the bonding, the everything. One day just won’t suffice for it all so better save my precious money for next year. Also, I’ve been in contact with my agent again regarding with my visa documents. A few more requirements but I should be fine by next month. And of course, December won’t be complete y’all if it didn’t have a storm coming up on our country. So, everyone’s locked up in their houses because the weather is starting to get bad. No classes but hopefully it doesn’t get bad as last year because that’s just too much.

So there you go, a quickie update for y’all. I hope you guys are having an awesome day night or whatever! 🙂 Stay safe and dry! Love ya. 🙂

 

xoxo,

G

12.03.17

A quick Sunday realization…

Today I wrote on my notebook diary and it was mostly an update about what happened the last few days. I was quite surprised to have found myself saying positive thoughts of life despite the hardship that I am facing. I like the person I have become over the last months and I wouldn’t certainly be in a good place if it weren’t for the unfortunate and fortunate circumstances that contribute to where I am right now. So, I am mostly grateful for the bad things that had happened to me over the past months bc it made me stronger and realize my worth. I just feel different this time, I don’t quite know how to explain it. Just that I like this present me than the old version of me.

For my readers, have a blessed Sunday and be grateful for today.

Allergy Scare

Just got back from my monthly check up in Manila. The doctor said he will be seeing me on my graduation next year lol I’m so happy! But also said it will leave me a scar for sure but at least I’m finally safe.

We just got back last night. When I woke up this morning, my head was pounding real strong and I could feel the strong pulses on both sides of my temple. I slept on it until 1pm then I had my lunch. I thought the headache was gone but as soon as I finished eating it came back. Then my ate noticed the redness all over my body. My face was flushed as tomato. Of course, my mom was worried. I went to the doctor and ask for prescription. She told me I might have eaten something bad and gave me a few sets of medicine to take—yet another meds to include in my everyday, what are a few more lol. Sometime after, the headache has subsided, although not entirely yet. Mom told me I made her worried sick and told me if I keep on getting sick, she might not let me go next year to study abroad.

I was so looking forward to getting back on MMA sessions because I had been away for 4 days and now it has been an entire week since I last workout. Life is throwing me lemons right now, is it giving me a message of some sort or something? Hmm.

 

Catching Up With Old Friends

Yesterday was one of those days when I usually wake up late, work out and binge watch movies. So I decided to hit up my friends invite them for dinner or late night coffee. It was kind of spontaneous and I’m glad we were complete last night. We went to a restaurant where there was a nice view of the surroundings, chatted up a bit self update and a little more girl gossips. Last night was a very familiar and homey feeling with the girls. I hope to do more of these.

10.31.17

Rainy Day On A Tuesday

😭 I love days like this.

Last day of the month of October! Time is running to fast, don’t you think so?!

Today is the start of the three non-working holiday for the celebration of All Souls and All Saints Day. There’s no other perfect way to spend the first day of this holiday with a gloomy weather. I imagine people waking up to the sound of the rain with their messy hairs and a cup of coffee in their hand. It just feels so peaceful today. I can’t describe my love for the rain.

See, I was craving for Takoyaki so I decided to bring my siblings to my favorite Takoyaki place. We drove even though it was raining cats and dogs! My brothers are headed to my dad’s place anyway, so we had to eat first and they had to drop me off again. After my craving was satisfied, I didn’t exactly plan to stay in bed and sleep the day ’cause I wanted this day to be productive sort of, so I decided to play piano and master a piece. The last piece I memorized was the song Only Hope by Mandy Moore. I remember my two brothers got interested in playing piano because of that song. Ever since, they can’t stop playing piano and now they play it better than I do. But after a while, my fingers were feeling pretty sore already so I stopped.

It is already 1pm in the afternoon and I feel like the clock is ticking so fast. Probably because I’ve been busy up until I stopped playing the piano. What to do next now? I was thinking I could redesigned my whole blog. Or I could write on my diary notebook. Or maybe just watch a movie on Netflix but that would be ruining my productive day.

Tomorrow, my family and I will be heading to my grandma’s place to celebrate the holiday. Besides, all our loved ones were buried in that place so it’s just right to be there.

It’s so nice having this kind of weather, you know! It makes me feel kinds of sentiments. Or maybe…now that I think about it, the cuddle weather has come! I wish there was someone to cuddle with. Just kidding, my Pooh bear is enough to keep me company. But yes, my favorite has finally come. The time for wearing cute sweaters, sipping coffee while reading a book, giving gifts and receiving them, gosh just thinking about all those makes me excited. I had a pretty bad Christmas last year when I just came back from the USA because of the typhoon. Hopefully this year, may I have the best one. 🙂 I’ve babbled a lot now. Rain can do that to me.

Love,

G

Oh No, He Just Dropped The Bomb

I wasn’t sure if the world was conspiring against the last post I made, but someone just confessed feelings to me. It totally took me by surprise as we were talking about mundane topics when he suddenly jump into all seriousness. Confusion more than flattery was what I felt after he dropped the bomb. How could he just throw away what we have?? Was our current relationship not enough for him? It’s saddening, friend. I can probably just count my true friends in my two hands. I’m not saying anything has to change between us but I can’t act as if I heard nothing. At least, I am not someone who can act normal after confessions.

We’ll see.

xoxo

g

As Friends or As Lovers?

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In life, it’s seldom we found someone who gets us. Someone who we instantly love the moment we meet them. It’s such a rare occasion that when that certain person comes, we grab them and make sure they feel safe and loved. In most cases, people expect this to advance into some kind of romantic intimacy—which is ridiculous, really. On the other hand, it may lead to a long-life friendship. So let me throw a question, if you meet someone who really gets your vibe and interests in life, what kind of relationship would your inner-self choose to have with that someone—as a friend or a lover? It’s a tricky question, I know. The answer gets complicated the more you think about it. Ha.

My answer? I always go for friendship. But isn’t that always the case or mostly how it is for everyone? I mean, doesn’t a relationship begins at something before being lovers? And there’s nothing quite like how we, Millennials, deal with being in a ‘relationship’. There are even the so-called stages of relationship amongst 20-somethings that start out as being friends > talking stage > friends with benefits > hooking up > dating > exclusivity/to being lover. It’s one hella ride  for young people to be in love, nowadays. No wonder Millennials are tagged to be the worst generation and no doubt about how older generations are laughing at us right now.

Having a fair share of my being part of the Millennial generation, I’ve experienced this roller coaster ride of being in a relationship myself. The one thing I can say is it’s just not for me. I might have done it wrong but I’ve had enough for now. I’ll choose friendship over love not because it will be the safe choice but because I’ve been there done thatrelationship thing and now I know better than to risk any good friendship with love. I’m not saying I’m all closed door for finding love but it’s not something that I am expecting to come in my life anytime soon. Setting my mind to that note, it keeps me from jumping to conclusions and expecting to find love in every guy that I meet. At the same time, without the expectations of any kind, it lets me create a deeper connection with someone I truly find interesting. It’s like I don’t have to worry about being the perfect girl because who’s judging, right? 🙂 No one but a good friend of mine.

Lovers just take it to different level, you know? Sure, there’s no doubt about how colorful our lives when they are there. No one can actually make us feel the same way that they do to us. It’s magical and how we wish it would never end. But have you had any relationship with someone that it ended badly, but then you realize you were so good together as friends than lovers, that you wish you could turn back time and just be friends instead? It’s a shame, isn’t it? Makes you regret just enough to wish for things to go back to the way you were as friends. That’s why I’ll always choose friendship over love.

Some people ask me what if you could have found your true happiness with that someone, but you settled as friends so you ended up throwing away the one shot deal? Honestly, I’m not worried. I’ve never been worried about missing my chances at being happy with someone because I know it’s not something that I could never find in myself. I produce my own sunshine and happiness. We all do! It’s on me to share it to other people. I never needed someone to make me feel whole because I am complete whether someone is holding my hand or not.

So what I need is a friend who knows me well, who’ll understand my tantrums and deal with it. Someone I can laugh with and share my stories with. A friend who I can talk whatever with no boundaries whatsoever. A friend who can be my plus one in parties and get drunk with. One who’ll ask me to a slow dance even with a pop music playing. A guy my parents can be comfortable with. Just someone who gets me. I have always believed that two opposite genders can have a platonic relationship. Being anything more than friends is just another label. What matters is the strong foundation and relationship I have with that person. If it turns out that my best friend is the one, wouldn’t that be great?! But if not, a best friend for life is not a loss love at all.

Choose carefully. And learn to love yourself.

xoxo,

G

What I’m Going Through

Can I say sorry? I know I’ve been AWOL for quite some time now. But I swear I had tried composing a post or two this whole time, I just couldn’t bring myself to hit the publish button. I am not sure where to start actually. It feels like a lot has happened especially these past two months with regards to myself, family and friends. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it and that was probably the reason why I chose to remain silent for the past several weeks. I figured it was better to take this on privately while I was still going through it. Anyway, now that I am feeling a ton better I’m finally in a mood to chitchat with you guys! 😛

This summer, I applied for school in Canada. AND I GOT INTO IT I’M SO FREAKING HAPPY YOU GUYZZZ! Okay, relax G. 😂🙄 Initially, I applied for Fall(September) 2017 but unfortunately, my chosen program was already full for Fall term so they had to accept me for the next intake(January 2018). It was a bit of a downer because I already was looking forward to so many things but most importantly I wanted to get back on the track already. Because you know, it’s been half a year and I don’t know I’m just getting antsy day by day that’s it’s driving me nuts. So yeah, I mean do I have a choice not to accept it? Hell no, girl. So I give them my BIG YES and paid for the first term.

I was halfway done—no, actually I was like two steps before super done done—with my visa requirements; FBI clearance and general medical check-up are the only major ones left to do. The first one which is the FBI was quite tricky. I wasn’t sure about my fingerprint(one of the requirements for FBI request) if it’s a verified one or not but I guess I’ll know when they mail me back or whatever. The second one which was the medical freaking general check-up. *trying to be calm as possible* This thing got me fucked up. Yo, I was diagnosed with some shit. So clearly, I have to stay put for a LONG PERIOD of time and be healthy as fuck. Girl, I ain’t no kidding when I say LOOONG PERIOD of time, they told me I can’t leave the country for another half a year. And I was like you’re kidding, right? And they were like ‘Nu-uh girl you got no choice’.

So long story short, I got kind of depressed I mean who wouldn’t be, right??? But all is getting better now. A lot of people continue to cheer me up and tell me how things happen for a reason. Although it was a struggle of emotions at first, I stayed strong and still try to beat whatever sickness I have to survive. My new chapter hasn’t started yet and I’m not about to give up now. 🙂

Love you guys to the moon and back!

xoxo,

G