Seven-day countdown before I leave for Canada. I’m not sure how long I’ll be there. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to visit the Philippines at least once a year, but maybe it’s not such a bad idea not to. Except, I won’t see my baby sister. She’s the most precious little thing for me right now in my life. And if there could be any reason for me not go is that of her. But I got to do what I got to do. 😟
Even though I know I have little time left here, it still hasn’t entirely dawned on me yet that I will be starting my life again somewhere. I visited a relative today and she said to me, “Aren’t you scared of doing it alone?” I just said, “Not really” which is true. No one can actually be prepared for this kind of thing. I just got to dive head first and act like I know what I’m doing to survive.
I’m excited again to get lost in an unfamiliar city, meet strangers and learn its history. But most of all, to figure life along the way. How lucky I am to be able to find myself while enjoying myself at the same time.
Giving myself a little reminder that it’s better to keep quiet and keep things to yourself. Talking about it makes the situation worse. It’s not like other people has the solution for you. It’s not like other people understand what you’re going through, anyway. It’s not like people actually care about your story. Right?! So better just master the art of shutting the hell up.
But ultimately, I am quite happy and excited for the coming days. I just have a lot on my plate these past few days, but nothing I can’t handle.
Also, I’m wishing someone the happiest birthday today. You should know you hold a special place in my life. You deserve the best, too!
Real quick here, I feel that love is both underrated and overrated in so many ways. I was annoyed with how things went today. My day didn’t turn out to be quite as smooth as I hoped it’d be. But this is just another day, right? People can be pretty dense and insensitive talaga. Diba. They don’t even give importance to the things that are important to you. So annoying. I can’t. I’m not even making sense right now. But so is that mofo.
I positioned myself where I could both hear and see what everybody else is doing. I am having a great day so far. It’s 3 PM and they’re in the middle of fishing some tilapias while I retreat myself in a secluded corner where I can write my thoughts. Today, I came to visit grandmother in Tigaon, a more province place than where I live. Growing up in this town makes me appreciate the simple life and understand the simple ways of life.
Earlier, I walked my bare feet on the soil to get some fresh eggs to the farm. I shrieked loudly like some sassy city girl when my foot submerged to the mud knee-high. It was too late for me to turn back and so I moved forward. It was another humbling experience for me. My uncle has a pool that is 5 feet high. My brother, sister and I ended up cleaning and brushing the pool because we plan on using it. It was so fun exerting such hard work together with them. I will definitely miss this.
This moment is so rare that we’re complete together. Now that we’re growing up, the chances of us getting all complete in one place are thinning. And so, I cherish every moment I get with them that’s why I decided to write down this moment. I always want to take a break from everything that’s happening because I would want this to be remembered forever or even etched somewhere in a writing or a picture. Now, I have to get back and live this moment with them.
I thank you for your precious time for reading this.
As you may know, I have been waiting for my visa decision to come. And it finally came last Thursday. I GOT APPROVAL OF MY STUDENT PERMIT IN CANADA! Wohoooo. The reason I didn’t post it as soon as I got the word is that I was too happy and emotional to do anything else besides BEING HAPPY lol. I literally shouted and cried when I heard the news. It was given to me by Ms. Karen, my visa coordinator.
The very next day I found out that I’m going to Canada, I bought a one-way ticket. I’ll be leaving next month. My summer term won’t start until the month of May, but I want to be able to adjust weeks before my class starts. Besides, I have to settle some things first like my social security number, bank account, and other important stuff.
I feel so blessed that this moment has finally come. I never actually thought about getting it in the first place, I guess, which I know is a total wrong mind set to have. But like I said, I had been down that road before of waiting and being rejected and I was just afraid of getting my hopes up ever again. But I got! I got it. I got it.
Thank you for those who never lose their faith in me. I love you all.
Why do things have to go so bad, right? Why can’t we just have some consistency in life that we don’t have to adjust and everything? More often than not, life is unfair. I’m pretty sure a lot of people would attest to that one. Life isn’t some kind of a one-way lane for everyone. Instead, it’s all about those crazy intersections that turn green all at once. I honestly thought my life was perfect back when I was a kid. At that time, my perception was blinded by ideal fantasies of what life should be. Until one day, reality finally knocked on my door, tricked me into looking the other way and stabbed me in the back. Life became pretty tricky after that. It seemed like one day I have it all figured out and the next day, it gives me another whole set of challenges from some unknown dimension.
I know perfectly well that life is supposed to be this way, that it’s meant to be this hard and knotty. Because how else am I supposed to appreciate happiness without sadness, right? And so, I don’t even know why I’m still writing my angst and depression despite knowing that life isn’t supposed to be some kind of a fairytale with a happy ending. I’m just so caught up in my emotions right now. It’s all bottled up and I can’t even let it out. I feel like talking about it out loud would be some kind of way of acknowledging that it is happening. And I’m not ready to accept that reality yet, possibly never. I hope for change to come into my life soon that I can selfishly walk away from this and never have to face it. I take it that walking away to the problems won’t solve any of it. But in this case, if I could run away every time at every chance I get, I would.
Wanna know what I’ve been up to lately? Well, I am now a certified first aider. I just finished my training two days ago. It was hella fun, I’m telling ya. So yes, I learned about doing CPR, rescue breathing, bandages and some other basic stuff. Totally amazing! Hahaha. One of my friends told me ‘kung ano ano nalang’ meaning like you’re so random—that’s the closest I could think of a translation lol sorry if it didn’t do any justice. And yes, I was pretty much so bored I thought why not sign up for a first aid class.
Fast forward to now, I’m currently on the road of editing another video. Finally, right? Another inspiration has landed on me and I am not letting it go. That’s according to Big Magic, my new favorite self-guided book. It says that once the inspiration shows up, use it until it leaves you because it’s not going to be with you all the time, which is basically true to me. I don’t always feel the urge to do things just sometimes maybe when I’m being visited by the god of inspiration.
But here’s a hiccup to that, I can’t stop watching vlogs. HAHA. I have this new favorite Japanese vlogger. His YouTube channel name is FumiShun BASE. In such a short span of time, I think I may have already watched almost all of his video. I find him so funny and interesting. Not just that, but I have a crush on Yuyu—not sure if I remember his name correctly—because he kinda reminds me of Oguri Shun, which is another one of my fave Japanese actors. Uggh, Japan. Take me there!!!!
Lately, I’ve been going on and on about how sad I am. But generally, I’m a contented person and so I get easily happy for small things in life. These are some doses of sunshine in my life right now:
1. Finding film cameras and collecting negatives
Yes, you read that right. I am into film camera since forever. My obsession has finally come into its 150% craziness. The last time I’ve used an actual film camera was back in college so that’s like 3 or 4 years back. But my latest purchase was a Holga camera that has 120 film, which I don’t really use because that kind of film is very scarce.
Instead, I’ve been using these other film cameras. Yep, I’m a camera hoarder.
All of them use a 35mm film, except for that colorful one—that’s the Holga one, so the film for the rest is pretty accessible anywhere.
Originally, I’ve only really owned three of them. But since I told you, I’ve been a total shit crazy about vintage cameras lately, I’ve been asking out my relatives and friends if they have their old film cameras. Luckily for me, I’ve hauled two film cameras from my mom’s dear friend and actually one of the cameras turned out to be my favorite of all. It’s the Yashica camera. It has a very beautiful vintage structure with the straps and everything. I’m totally in love.
Here’s some negatives: flowers and creepy me
2. Reading a New Book: Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert
If the name seems familiar to you, that’s because this book was written by the same author who wrote the book Eat, Pray, Love. This was given to me as a Christmas gift from my mom. One day, I was so bored I ended up reading it out of nowhere and it was the best random thing that I could have ever done at that point.
Kind of ashamed to say that this is my only first read for this year. I’m running way behind my targeted read books for the year. But anyway, I should say this does not disappoint me at all, and I’m just halfway from finishing it! It talks about inspirations and how it comes and goes within an individual. And that whenever that inspiration landed on you, you should immediately claim it or else, just like everything else, it doesn’t wait for you and will move on to the next person.
It’s actually the first book I’ve read that isn’t a novel or has a story behind it. I definitely recommend it if you’re looking for an inspirational book and you’re feeling a little lack of inspirational spirit.
3. Listening to Japanese Tracks
Anything Japanese related excites me. But nothing makes me feel more happy, excited, sad, and almost everything at the same time than listening to my Japanese playlist. The list just keeps adding as years passed by. It’s been a decade, I think since I first started this playlist. It never gets old, never will. It brings back the old memories, the joy, the innocence, the nostalgic feeling, the mixed emotions, all of it. Mostly, whenever I listen to this playlist, I feel like I’m being traveled back to the time when everything was simply carefree. That particular stage in my life where I would gladly choose to stay forever if I were to be given a chance.
4. Happy Moments with Friends
I don’t really go out much these days, just because I don’t think anything is ever worth exerting effort really, except maybe if I were to do something for my own sake. When I sometimes get invited to hang out, I’m always hesitant at first. It’s not them but it’s just my social anxiety disorder playing a huge part in this decision. But I don’t want to seem too antisocial really because I don’t think that’s a good practice either, so I just obliged myself to at least put on decent clothes and face them.
And it always ends up pretty fantastic—me having the best time of my life with all the catching up and jokes. I would say it’s very much the same when I go watch a Filipino movie at the cinema. I always roll my eyes and tell myself that I’m not going to enjoy it but I always ended up saying oh that’s not too bad, I loved it actually. I know, I’m pretty judge-y like that.
I don’t really focus on my friends nowadays, meaning I don’t really get to spend time as much as I did before. We’re pretty busy now. With all the work schedules and my own lazy bum schedule, we just don’t find that much time to reconnect as often as we should. But at the same time, it doesn’t really change the fact that we always have fun when we get together.
5. Taking Footages and Pictures
I got my Canon G7x II with me anywhere I go, literally! I don’t really post these things a lot on my social media, just because I don’t think there’s a need for it at all. I just really do it for the keepsake. Although the thought of editing and compiling videos excites me to the bones, sometimes there’s just not enough inspiration to do it. You know what I mean? Actually, my friends sort of call me a ‘vlogger’ because I carry my camera all the time anywhere I go, but I don’t really go like talking to my cam.
It’s funny that sometimes even my mom would be like ‘where’s your cam? Aren’t you gonna vlog it?’. And I’ll be like really dumbfounded that she would say that.
I guess, it just surprises me at all that everyone noticed that I do what I do. And I’m kind of proud that I’m recognized for it. It’s something that I can surely say I love doing and it makes me freaking happy.
So yes, that would be all. Really, what could I ask for more distractions in life? Right?! I hope you enjoyed reading this. It’s been a couple of lazy days for me just staying at home and not really going anywhere. So I got all this time to make posts.
As per usual, Saturday is being spent productively on my bed, not with someone though, but just with my laptop. You have a dirty mind. I woke pretty early just because I always have my alarm set at 5:50 am, which I always plan on like taking that alarm setting off but nevertheless always fails to do it, anyway. So we had our breakfast as a family together. Finally, my mom is having a late breakfast with us and not rushing to get to the store. She left it in charge with someone for today, just so she can at least spend a peaceful morning not scurrying around like a woman on fire. I decided not to come with her to the store for today, instead, I just cleaned my room early this morning after she left with Shobe. I was kind of like planning on filming something for today but then there were calls on the queue and I had to work on it—it’s an online job.
Besides that, everything seems to be normal nowadays. Well, except for my never-ending anxiousness about the waiting game on my visa. But I’m learning to throw my IDGAF attitude on it little by little or else I might die in my sleep if I don’t stop this torture. I do have another thing going on, but it’s very personal. And it’s bothering me too.
Remember when I mentioned about my inner peace being one of those calm before the storm kind of thing? I’m kind of getting the vibe that there is a huge wave coming on my way and that I am both furious and scared for it.
Also, a bit realization I’ve been having has been on my mind lately. I’ve only known a couple of people who really stood out in my life and have/had a really great connection with me. Some are still present in my life and some has gone with the wind. Unfortunately, even with friends, there aren’t always happy endings. It’s not just romance that ends up sabotaging the relationship, but even mere friends do that. Friends are capable of hurting you, loving you and making you feel like you don’t need anyone but them. And when you got hurt by them, you think about how it would be nice to have never met them at the first place and that you wouldn’t have this scarred memories for life if you hadn’t known them at all. Then, I think about what was my life before them? Not to say nothing, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t have the time of my life with them. My life was pretty quiet for sure without them, but I know I would have chosen crazy over boring any time, anyway. And so bottom line, I probably shouldn’t shut myself out too much with people because I know they give so much life to me. And that one bad experience shouldn’t ruin my trust with others.
I cannot wait for my application to be done with. I just got the tracking number to track my application just the other day, and I’ve been checking on it since then. I know it doesn’t make sense to worry and write things about this, but I am freaking out. I am sick, like literally, and all I could think about is if I’m approved or not. It’s been close to a month since I last worked out, which was crazy because I have been leaning more into meat and rice for the last couple of days. I’m not that worried yet about my weight, but I’m concerned a little bit about my health. I need to move and exercise more. But right now, I’m sick and exerting more effort won’t do any good for my body.
So I busy myself with cleaning my room, organizing my stuff, writing in my journal, revamping my blog and watching a bunch of tutorials. I should really start making that video on our La Union trip, but I just don’t get that inspiration yet. All of the videos I made were made out of sheer inspiration if that makes sense. I don’t like ‘trying’ to make a video. I do it when I want to and I feel like doing it. I don’t do it for the sake just to have a video coming out of a trip.
I think there are things that I wanted to share and do right now, but something is holding me back. And that’s the fear of not being able to get a student permit. I kinda feel everything is put on hold before the decision and that I could only resume my normal life once it has been decided.
If you’ve been reading my previous posts about me having that inner peace, well that’s not true anymore. HAHAHA. Who am I kidding? I’m not at peace, yo! I can’t even do the one thing that I’m good at and that’s sleeping early. Now, I can’t do that. 12 am is usually when drowsiness hits me and that’s not even good for my low blood pressure. Anyhow, I still have a month to wait. AND THIS IS KILLING ME, YOU THINK?!
My first hurdle of the year came this morning at my email. I was removed from the online job that I was with since last December. It’s funny because today marks the first month that I’d be working with them. I emailed them for a dispute, of course. I wanted to fight, at least, if they were to throw me out of their team. But if after that still nada, then that’s fine. It happens for a reason. Although, this morning I was really feeling blue and a bit angry. But then, I shared the news with my mom and she just know what to say. She makes everything so easy. It’s as if everything she says make sense. It’s absolutely amazing how she can do that.
Anyway, I’m currently at a cafe. Just by myself. Yep. I’ve always wanted to do this! Alone in a secluded cafe with my laptop and diary at the side table sipping coffee and eating cake. Gosh but damn that’s expensive. AHHAHAH. So yes, here I am and literally only the person in the cafe. The reason being is that I needed to download an application and the internet back home is just not helping me get that. To my dismay though, it seems like the internet in this cafe is slower than my grandma. I can’t. I’m happy that I finally did the be-in-a-secluded-cafe but come on, man, I came with a purpose. Good thing, dad called and said the electricity’s back at his place. I guess, it’s time so say good bye to this cute-but-has-shitty-internet cafe. Ciao.
I’m proud and earning. LOL. It’s not much but it’s definitely making me want to wake up early every morning. It’s like, finally! Looking forward to a work that I definitely enjoy. Hehe. I’m a blessed kid. I just am.
I can’t wait to see my brother later. He’s coming home with us to celebrate the holidays. I can feel mother’s excitement this far.
5 more days until the hanging of stockings. I wish my Santa won’t be cheap this year. Hahaha I am just dropping by. I decided that I will be leaving a little realization every day until Christmas to talk about my learnings or just what I feel about. Also, taking a little bit break from all the work and stuff.
With the recent events, I’ve never been happy, motivated and excited in a very long time. I just wish that everyone is feeling the same thing that I do especially it’s Christmas season. No matter how cliché that sounds, ’tis the season for love, and we should all try to at least be happy and welcome the New Year with a good vibe. I know I wouldn’t have said it 3 years ago when I was feeling miserable and empty, but now I’m just very grateful it happened. It wasn’t exactly what I had been picturing when I was a kid on how I would be as an adult. It’s true, it has been a little bit bumpy on my journey—hell, most of the times, I was and still am just confused as to whether take a left or right—but no one ever claimed that life is a no-brainer. So there you go. I’m clinging to life as much as possible and making the most out of it. Haha I mean, I don’t know about making the most out of it for now. But I am at peace—at the moment, I guess—and I know a lot of people don’t have that, so I’m thankful.
Hooray for finally making another blog update on this site. I may have been a little bit obsessed with some freelance work. And it’s all thanks to Saki! Thank you, haha!
Let’s see, 10 days before Christmas…Who’s getting excited?! I am not that hype up about it, though. I mean, the food is definitely something to look forward to but my fam isn’t too big on gift givings—and that’s just my main concern, really. But yes, all is good. Meanwhile, I didn’t enroll in MMA this month because I feel like I’d be wasting my money on this holiday season. You know how it is with the Filipinos and their holiday celebrations. The food, the bonding, the everything. One day just won’t suffice for it all so better save my precious money for next year. Also, I’ve been in contact with my agent again regarding with my visa documents. A few more requirements but I should be fine by next month. And of course, December won’t be complete y’all if it didn’t have a storm coming up on our country. So, everyone’s locked up in their houses because the weather is starting to get bad. No classes but hopefully it doesn’t get bad as last year because that’s just too much.
So there you go, a quickie update for y’all. I hope you guys are having an awesome day night or whatever! 🙂 Stay safe and dry! Love ya. 🙂
Today I wrote on my notebook diary and it was mostly an update about what happened the last few days. I was quite surprised to have found myself saying positive thoughts of life despite the hardship that I am facing. I like the person I have become over the last months and I wouldn’t certainly be in a good place if it weren’t for the unfortunate and fortunate circumstances that contribute to where I am right now. So, I am mostly grateful for the bad things that had happened to me over the past months bc it made me stronger and realize my worth. I just feel different this time, I don’t quite know how to explain it. Just that I like this present me than the old version of me.
For my readers, have a blessed Sunday and be grateful for today.