I think I’ve had enough last night. Had enough of every little thing that has been going around in my life that I broke down in the middle of the night and hosted a self-pity party.
What does it mean when someone says you are a good person? Does it mean you are likeable? Smart? Kind? Nice? When good is being used as the generic term for almost everything that is not bad, it gets to the point that it is confusing sometimes.
Recently, I was told I was a good girl. I believe the reason for that comment was I refused to go out at night saying I have a curfew so the only time I can go out is during daytime. After that comment, it got me thinking how is it true that I’m such a good girl? How was I a good girl? Did I somehow pass that person’s certain criteria as “good”, or what? But most of all, why am I even doubting that remark in the first place? Is it probably because I reject the notion that I am a good girl, after all? 😂 I’m not sure where this is leading but those are some intriguing ideas that I have.
Just wanted to point that I do consider myself as a good person;I share my blessings with other people;I pray;I love my family dearly. However, I am also aware of the evil side that I have. Not only to say that it is normal for every person to have, but I personally think one can only take so much shit in this world that the only outlet that one can have is to respond in such an awful comeback. It’s the honest truth and you know it. Despite the harsh reality though, I try to show heavenly kindness as much as I can with everyone else since I can never know what a person has been through for him/her to act that way. But that’s just me.
It would also depend on like what situation I am in. I know that there are circumstances that bring out the evil side in me and during that time is when my patience is really tested. So yeah, I’m pretty much like everyone else. Sometimes, dressed up as an angel but probably most of the time, more comfortable playing Satan’s role.
Generally, it’s so easy to just identify someone as good. Good being such a basic word nowadays that we tend to look or ask for more when we are given this as an answer. What do you mean good? Is she pretty? Boring? or Okay? Tell me something more!
I guess my point is, the term good doesn’t even cover a tad bit of the description of my whole personality. For me, I find it overused that it is starting to sound meaningless, invalid and useless when it comes to how people respond to things. Not to be hypocrite, but I find myself using that word a lot too. Like when someone asks me how my day was, my to-go answer would be ‘good!’ if not ‘great’. How is it like that? I can’t blame those people who use ‘good’ as a response though. They are probably not interested or lazy to come up with a more sensible word, just like me.
I swear. I wanted to like write a meaningful post but whenever I open my WordPress blog to write something, every idea just goes out of my mind. A little update then to tell you about my recent activities…I have done my two exams which was the GRE and IELTS. Both results were good, thank goodness or else all my late night sleeps for studying(lol who am I kidding!) would have been for nothing. As soon as the results came in, I started submitting my application for schools and so far I’m still waiting for some documents to be sent for the completion of my application. While waiting though, I do busy myself by helping my dad in his business and playing ‘salimpusa’—a friendly reference to someone joining in an activity, despite not really being a full-fledged member of the group—in his company. So yeah I figured it’s better than doing nothing.
Also, what else?
*literally took a whole minute to think*
Oh, so like last month, I already booked for two vacations for this coming summer. For April, we’re going to Boracay for a week. I guess, it’s been a really long time like almost 8 years since the last time we’ve visited and I bet the algae situation there has worsened, yuck. Not to mention, the heat that we are going to experience. Sometimes, during lunch I can barely take the heat then I remember we’re going to spend a week in the beach and I am like oh my god who’s decision is it to stay there a whole week?! For the month of May, we’re spending a 10-day vacation at South Korea which during that season is Spring so the weather is just perfect, actually. All of these trip agenda were prepared by yours truly and by that I meant the airline bookings, hotels, itineraries, budgets, visa and literally everythaaaang. Despite having those in my hands, it actually makes me really thankful that I’m busy. I can’t really afford to think of any other things right now.
Summer is coming but like my body is still in winter wonderland. It’s still hibernating that diet is not in my dictionary at the moment. Honestly, even my mom and brothers are getting real conscious because of how they eat recently. I don’t know why but it’s just too hard to watch our diet. Haha it’s funny ’cause like once in a while someone will blurt out while we’re pigging out—”I can’t keep on eating, there’s barely even months before we go to a beach”. 😹 Nevertheless, we eat and eat. 🙂 Anyho, that’s all for now. Mwa!
Something about tonight reminded me of a memory I was trying so hard to ignore. I’d still say it was one of the bittersweet things to remember.
I had a get together with my old friends today. We went to a friend’s place chitchatting and smoking hookah. It was a typical night out for us. You know, since mostly of them got jobs and their only free time is on weekends so it’s nice to catch up and hang with them from time to time. But even so, I was feeling uneasy especially when Twinnie started playing sad songs. It was not a depressed kind of melody but it was more of an Ed Sheeran kind of music. Perfectly right on the moment, one of the couples were sitting right in front of me displaying affection or whatever. Although it was a very sweet scene to look at—posing a romantic head on shoulder to each other—I tried not to get too deep about it. I guess, I couldn’t help but think about the time I was with someone doing the same thing.
On my last day at Chicago, me and this guy were quietly sitting at the airport waiting for my boarding time or whatever and like I said we were leaning our heads to each other like there was no one around us. Then suddenly, we both looked up to this woman—I think she was a flight attendant—who stopped right in front of us tilting her head and said “Are you two in love?” then waiting for no response she just resumed strolling ahead. We were both silent for a second until he said something like it took him a while to get what the woman said. I just smiled and I mean what could I say.
It was just one of those memories that make me smile whenever I think about it. It may not make sense to you as to why I find it so dearly to my heart but don’t you just have the same moments that you consider special despite no grand gestures included or making no sense whatsoever? Anyway, so the story doesn’t end there and here’s why I find it bittersweet:
We sat for couple more minutes before exchanging our final byes and hugs. Then while he was hugging me, he said I love you. No drum rolls in real life happening, people. Funny thing was, I questioned him three times before I finally understood what he was trying to say. I mean it totally took me by surprise that the guy even knew the word love forgodsake. Well…and that’s the end of the story. I don’t think I want to share the next happenings. 😜It was just pure embarrassment on my part. Although, I wondered if the lady did become a factor of why he said he love me. Was it somehow a push in the back for him to say something so forward? Anywise, I am still convinced that he regretted the second he blurted out those words to me. Maybe he was really feeling it but it was a spur of the moment and no one could really tell the true validity of that statement, right? But it was so sweet of him to say it and I just wasn’t sure of myself why I didn’t say it back. True to my doubts, we never even mentioned another thing about what happened at the airport. It wasn’t that of a big deal, after all.
Triggered memories, spontaneous recollections and sometimes horrible flashbacks could either make you want to hug or strangle somebody. It’s a conflict of both sides so better get ready anytime.
I wonder what I would be doing now , if I had taken the offer to that school? I hope I made the right choice declining the opportunity given. So here I am, taking no shortcuts and going for the long way. I can do this. 🙂 I made it before, right? 😉
So besides taking IELTS class, I’m studying for the GRE examination. It consists of Quantitative and Verbal questions. I thought Math would be easy because it used to be not hard back in college, but now I can’t even start it’s giving me headache. Like right now, I was supposed to start with the review but instead I’m writing. Just two more weeks and all of these will be done. Please focus, Glaire.
My cute ass was dragged all weekday for IELTS review last week, and as if that weren’t enough, I had to speak in front of everyone every damn day. It was the speaking module week, that’s why. I just got so nervous without any warning and I usually can’t speak straight when I’m scared! I kept trying to shake off the uneasiness by thinking about funny or good memories but it was no help. Really, the more I tried the more it worsened.
Just earlier, I asked a friend a question that resulted to a misunderstanding between us. What happened was that friend replied something stupid to my question making me feel like a fool. And now I’m hurt that’s why, I’m drawing away my attention to anything that won’t trigger my mind to remember the incident.
So today I find myself asking what is a good distraction from things I don’t want to think?
After a thought…
All I can think about is I’m crazy to assume that any diversion would work. I realize I probably just have to face it head-on and give myself a break. Well, how about just speaking freely not caring about possible mistakes or just letting myself stutter until I can finally fucking deliver it clearly? Like why worry about that friend when I know it wouldn’t be a freakin’ lost if I lose that one person? I mean just do your thing and stop worrying, self.
It makes sense, right? I can’t worry about everything all at once. There’s just so much to do and only hours in a day. Just one fucking thing at a time. If certain fate is meant to be yours, then what’s the rush? I know it is easier to say and realize all of these things than actually doing and applying it in life. But I think when you know what’s going on, you’ll actually find a way to make it right—well, at least you’ve made you’re first step to the lifeline.